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Melody
Savvy April 2020

Bachelorette Chaos

Melody, on January 27, 2020 at 12:34 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 15
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Hello everyone. My entire bachelorette party is in shambles at the moment and despite doing my best I’ve pissed everyone off. My wedding date is 4/4 and bachelorette is 2/29.
My maid of honor has decided as of this past weekend she does not want to be MOH anymore. Said she got a new job and won’t ask for the bachelorette or wedding date off, and won’t be available. Cool, decade long friendship down the drain.
My bachelorette party has gone from 5 other people to 4, and 3 of the women are bridesmaids. The 4th person is not. This is all me trying to make sure the 4th person doesn’t feel left out. I live in Seattle. The bachelorette and wedding are in Fort Lauderdale Florida. The weekend of the bachelorette is the only time I have to do a makeup and hair trial, taste food and cake, and check out the venue before the ceremony. I’m paying for all of us to have a makeup trial, inviting them all to the food tasting, and making a signature drink for everyone based on their own unique tastes. Everyone is getting the same bachelorette garb (robes, bachelorette t-shirts, face masks, lotions, perfumes, a sweet hand written note expressing my thanks and love for them). I have hired a lifestyle photographer to take some nice portrait photos as well to leave each woman feeling a bit of glam. The only thing the the bach attendees have paid for is a flight and 1/6 of the hotel.
I told 4th person I wanted to ask her to be a bridesmaid and she left feeling completely left out because I didn’t select her in the initial group a few months ago. We weren’t super close a few months ago.
4th friend asked if I had plans to give her an honorary bridesmaids role, which I had never heard of until she brought it up. I’ve done some reading and some people think it’s super insulting and other people think it’s fine? I asked her if she would want to be knighted MOH and she basically said “I’m my own person, I’m doing this because of who I am and I don’t want to be MOH if I wasn’t the original choice.” So I’m trying to acknowledge her but don’t know what I can do to fix this. I just ordered a bridesmaid box because I wanted to at least give her the same gifts I’ve given the other 4 who will be at the bachelorette, and i told her a bridesmaid box was on its way, but she says she doesn’t want it because it seems like an afterthought. I’m trying to make it right. What can I do?

15 Comments

Latest activity by Kelsey, on January 27, 2020 at 2:40 PM
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
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    All of your bachelorette planning sounds really intense and high pressure. I would ease back and just see what happens. If people are available, they can come to a fun night out. If they aren't available then, that's fine, you can still take care of all of your planning tasks you have lined up. It's OK if your friends aren't involved in cake tasting, makeup trials, and venue visits.

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  • Fleur
    October 2020
    Fleur ·
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    4th friend seems a bit high maintenance lol. In these cases I feel like honesty is best policy, "Hey I know I didn't ask you originally, my bad/I wish I had... but honestly we were all in a different place at that point. I know it's not a perfect proposal but I would love for you to be a bridesmaid now!" A lot of people would just kind of get it and roll with it, but others not so much. If she wants to be difficult - whatever, go for it. Just have the 3. People say weddings bring out the best/worst in others, I don't know why, but it's kinda true. At any rate, your Bach sounds AMAZING - a bargain for your girls - I'll gladly step in if you need a 4th LOLOLOL. Good luck love!

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Honestly, if someone asked me less than 3 months before their wedding to be in the wedding when I wasn’t originally asked, I’d be put off and decline participating. She is an afterthought, whether you think so or not. I would stop trying to get her to agree to be a bridesmaid since it’s pretty obvious she’s not interested in that.
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  • Liza
    Dedicated September 2021
    Liza ·
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    It is fine to have bachelorette attendees who are not in the wedding party. This is made awkward in your case only because you want them to join you in so many wedding activities the same weekend. It was nice of you to include your friend in the bachelorette plans but don't ask anything more of her.

    If I were you, I would invite your friend to join as a close friend, not as a member of the wedding party because it is clear she does not want that role. She may be using the excuse that she feels like an afterthought, which she is, but being a BM also is a lot of work and money so she may not want to deal with any of that, and that is fine. With the wedding only 3 months out, that's a bit last minute to join a wedding party. Would she even be able to get a dress in time?


    Sorry to hear about your MOH!

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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    I felt like I had to include her in the makeup trial because otherwise it’d be me and the 3 BMs getting makeup done and 4 would be left out. So I extended it. Then when I realized there are BMs attending the food tasting i asked 4 if she’d be interested and she said yes. I feel like I am giving her all of the benefits of being a BM, the gifts, the free makeup, the free food, and I’m paying for our rental car around town, without any of the responsibilities. She is saying that I am being self-centered and not appreciating what she’s done at all, and I’m going at the bachelorette all wrong.
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    This is my first time ever hosting a bachelorette party. Apparently I did that wrong because my MOH was supposed to plan it, but she was unemployed all of last year and told me she couldn’t plan it because she was too busy job searching.


    I had it in Florida to make it easier for the attendees because I understand the average cost to be a bridesmaid is $1,000. I wanted to make that easier on everyone even though it’s at a financial detriment to myself and FH.
    I wanted it to be a small group and now 4 is really upset that I don’t have my “bachelorette s-it” together. For example what is our theme, what is the itinerary, what games and activities are we going to do to keep busy? I feel so much pressure to make this a flawless weekend which is why I’m gifting everyone so much stuff.
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  • Kelsey
    Savvy December 2021
    Kelsey ·
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    A good question to ask yourself is did you ever consider making 4 a bridesmaid back when you still had a MOH? If it didn't cross you mind, even after planning all the activities of the bach, until after your MOH dipped out, then I can see why she considers it an afterthought. It would be one thing to ask before, but I can understand why she feels it is last minute and inconsiderate.

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  • Liza
    Dedicated September 2021
    Liza ·
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    I wish I had a more helpful answer for you, but I do not think you can do much about it now. If you gave her the gifts already, then what is done is done. She is getting some benefits of the BM, but she won't have the honor of being in the wedding or participating in day-of activities with you and the wedding party. So I would just leave it be.


    I have a similar situation where I expect 3 of my bridesmaids and 2 other friends to join for my bachelorette. Since the 2 friends are not in my wedding party, I am avoiding giving any wedding party related gifts that weekend. For example, the PJs I got my ladies for the morning of the wedding. The PJs would have been fun to have at the bachelorette, but I couldn't get my BM those and not the friends... So instead, I will be giving the wedding party specific gifts at the rehearsal dinner.


    If she's a close friend, it should be nice having her along for the bachelorette and should hopefully still make the weekend even more enjoyable. Best of luck!

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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    I did consider her. She initially declined going to the bachelorette (in September / October) because of funding and said if we were going to have the Bach or the wedding in seattle then she’d be more able to go.
    She said she wouldn’t be able to fly to Florida twice in a month because it’s too expensive, so I thought OK it’d be rude of me to ask her to be a bridesmaid if she’s already financially strained by attending a bachelorette. I didn’t want to burden with the expenses of a dress as a bridesmaid and attending a wedding and using her limited vacation time.

    In November we decided to send out STDs because we confirmed our venue. in December flight prices halved and 4 confirmed she was able to go. So I thought that was great and was super excited. When she confirmed her spot I bought one of every gift I had bought everyone else so everyone would get the same “thank you for attending” gifts on the Bach day.
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    Her response when I told her I had considered her then decided not to because I didn’t want to seem inconsiderate of her financial situation was “how dare you decide for me, you took away my decisión power instead of sending it and letting me see what I could do to make it happen.”
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    She could attend the bachelorette*
    When I had told her I considered her for the bridesmaid role and decided not to ask her*
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I’m completely overwhelmed because everyone is mad about something. I appreciate your feedback.
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond! That’s what I tried to do yesterday, hey you know I want to correct what I perceive to be an injustice because you are doing so much and have been there for me and she said you should have asked
    Me because of who i am not what i do for you. I was really puzzled by this. And she said you keep telling me what you’re doing instead of just doing it. So she’s mad that she wasn’t initially invited but when I go to “make up” for it she doesn’t want that either.

    Are wedding supposed to be marathons of people s—ting on every decision you make? I feel like I’m doing so much and no matter what someone gets so pissed off they want to end the friendship over it. Thank you for listening and commenting. I appreciate your feedback.
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  • Melody
    Savvy April 2020
    Melody ·
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    Thank you for your response. She said she was super put off by it and I said I’m sorry. I made assumptions that you wouldn’t be able to come because of finances which incensed her even more. I thought I was being mindful of her situation because I wanted to avoid a “what do you think I’m made of, money? I can hardly afford your bachelorette and now you want me to be at your wedding!!!” Conversation but now she’s saying she regrets buying flight tickets to come to the bachelorette. So I felt lose lose either way. I told her 10 times I’m sorry and I never intended for her to feel left out or “second string” but she just kept saying I can only judge on actions and your actions suck. You keep telling me what you wanted to have happen instead of making those things happen. I don’t know how to resolve those feelings.

    Anyway I cancelled the bridesmaid box because she told me she didn’t want “pity gifts.” Thank you for listening and taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate your feedback.
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  • Kelsey
    Savvy December 2021
    Kelsey ·
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    While I do not think your intentions were bad (I do think they were coming from a good place) I don't blame her either response. Imagine hearing you weren't invited to a dinner everyone else in your friend group was invited too, just because someone assumed you couldn't afford it without asking? Plus financials/ how much or little someone makes is always a sensitive topic.


    Wedding planning is stressful, and our emotional involvement often makes it more so. I would try and take a few deep breaths, understand you can't please everyone 100% of the time, reinforce to 4 that intentions were never bad and you apologize if they came across as insensitive and try to let it go and enjoy your bach.

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