I am seeking advice on how to manage family expectations, as a black sheep middle child who is marrying the black sheep middle child of another family.
For context, my betrothed's family is very traditional, but my partner and I are both Queer--so we view family a bit differently. I came from a working-class family, where my mom works in health care and my dad works in education. Whereas, in my partner's family, their father is a doctor, and their mother has been a stay-at-home mom since the late 1990s.
We've had a lot of conflict with not meeting my betrothed's parents' expectations (for example, getting married before living together, following the traditional timeline of settling into a job, getting married in a church, and having children). We'll have been together for seven years in December 2025, and originally got engaged back in 2020, but neither of us was ready--and frankly, neither was the wedding industry at that time, so we decided to wait until the timing felt right--but now have a date set for June 2026.
In the meantime, my partner's brother met a girl on Hinge, got engaged after less than a year of dating, married the next year, and now they'll be expecting a baby just short of being together for three years. They are very religious and we are not--which is also a big tension between my partner and their parents, who are also Evangelicals and now attend the church that my partner's brother plays guitar at for their worship services. I feel insecure because my partner has been compared every step of the way to their older brother's "golden child" and his sweet wife. I do love them, but it hurts a lot that our journey isn't as valued as theirs!
When they got married in 2024, I was told I wouldn't be a part of the wedding. I wasn't in the loop about wedding festivities and wasn't treated like I was a part of the family to the point where I wasn't sure that I'd be included in family pictures or the bachelorette weekend. I had to ask what to wear about a month and a half before to even broach the topic. Then, they offered to walk me down the aisle, which felt patronizing, so I declined, and told them they'd pay me to manage their reception decorating and set-up. To sum up, they only rented a facility, which meant we had to wash and steam linens, cut florals on site, set up an decor and special tables, assemble arches and photo backgrounds, arrange glassware, fold napkins, and more in less than 3 hours so I would have enough time to go home to shower and get ready for the actual wedding. I have experience working in events, and I LOVE that work, but after the fact, they didn't pay me.
Instead, they said they'd help with anything my partner and I need for our wedding. Needless to say, I was upset. I had put time into planning teams and execution to make sure it went off without a hitch, and even luckily caught a few things they missed the week before the wedding. (Like, yes, you have to open the bins of the tablecloths you bought off Facebook marketplace to wash and dry them!!) The bridesmaids all received gifts, had their hair and makeup paid for, were sent flowers and cards, and I was hardly recognized. Now, they're having a baby that is due one month from our tentative combined bach weekend dates and 5 months before our wedding. I am not under any impression that they'll be able to help to the extent that they promised, so it feels like a slap in the face. Our venue will do a lot of the things that I needed to do for their wedding reception, but I still would have liked their help.
On top of all of that, my FSIL's mother has affirmed a few times that she's so excited to attend my wedding, when my family wasn't invited to theirs. Our wedding will also be smaller due to the venue and affordability. My FBIL even missed a dinner where I'd asked family members to save the date so our full families could meet--they still haven't, almost 7 years later. My partner's mom and my FSIL's mom were so competitive about weight and appearance at their wedding that I'm nervous they'll bring that energy, alongside competing as new grandmas at our wedding, so I don't know what to do.
Should we tell them they should plan on coming to the bach party because they'll be new parents? This idea makes my partner sad because he wants his brother there, but what if his brother doesn't think he can?
Is it bad for us to say we don't want my FSIL's family there after they forced an invitation? If we don't invite my FSIL's mother, who should recruit to help with the newborn if my FSIL's mother won't be there, so that my family and my partner's family aren't in charge of the baby during the wedding responsibilities? The wedding will be child-free except for the new family baby--is there a time when we can politely tell them that the baby needs to leave by? Does that mean they need to leave too and can't be around to dance?
I'm so excited to be an Aunt, I cried upon hearing the good news, but am anxious about how to navigate this, being the black sheep alongside my fiancé and my SIL (also the golden child of her family), being married to the golden child in my partner's family.
