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Dedicated December 2021

Awkward Wedding Invitation

Connie, on May 4, 2021 at 2:42 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 20

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My FH's cousin has sent a STD, wedding shower invite and now the formal invitation, but has only included him on the invite and explicitly written _/1 in attendance. We were both kind of surprised and my FH does not want to go to her wedding alone.

His mom, stepdad, grandma, sister and her FH all got invitations. His Grandma can't travel due to health, so they told us to just use her RSVP for me. It is pretty far for them all anyway, and they aren't sure whether they will be able to go or not yet and it will probably depend on whether my FH goes. Since his cousin's dad passed away when she was little, they want to make sure that somene from his side of the family is there for her.
I guess my question is, what is the proper way to go about this? I met his cousin at his Grandma’s birthday party about 3 years ago, but that was the last time any of his family has seen her. I would guess that she probably doesn't know that my FH and I are still together nevermind engaged since neither of us is active on social media and we haven't sent out save the dates yet. So do we reach out and ask her for an extra seat or what? My FH had said he was just gonna scratch through the 1 and put 2/2 on the RSVP but that seems a little rude to me if you don't call first.

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20 Comments

Latest activity by Connie, on May 4, 2021 at 10:47 PM

Master January 2022
SLY · on May 4, 2021 at 2:52 PM
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I wouldn't scratch through the RSVP number lol, that is a little rude. Since it's his cousin, I'd have him speak to her and ask why you weren't included in his invite. It couldn't hurt to ask. Weather he goes or not is completely up to him, but I know that if it were me, I wouldn't go. I also wouldn't like being told that I could use someone else's RSVP if they end up not coming. That kind of tells me that I'm second fiddle to everyone else and wasn't good enough to make the first cut.
Is there a specific reason why you weren't included with your FH? It just seems weird to me that they wouldn't include you, yet tell you that you can use the Grandmother's RSVP if she doesn't come lol. I don't get that? Why not just invite you to begin with and avoid all of the confusion??
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Lady · on May 4, 2021 at 2:59 PM
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I would absolutely RSVP back for both of you. Hopefully cousin will realize they made a mistake and accept it with no problem. If not, they'll reach out and say you can't come and then they'll be the rude ones.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on May 4, 2021 at 3:00 PM
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Hopefully this serves as a lesson to everyone to make sure that couples are invited automatically as a social unit. Regardless of how long or short a time you have been together, your name should have been on that invite. Does cousin know you are a couple?
He can either contact cousin depending on close they are (are they best friends or is it an out of obligation to please all the parents invite?) or decline if it is the latter. And talk to family to let them know his stance, that he feels awkward/disrespected.
Do not reply back for 2 people without contacting the bride or groom first.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on May 4, 2021 at 3:00 PM
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It's rude of the cousin not to invite you. But meeting one rudeness with another (changing the number on an RSVP, attending without being invited, and/or attending in Grandma's place) isn't the way to go. The only thing is for your future spouse to talk to his cousin, but that would only work if they had a close relationship. If they aren't close and he doesn't want to ask, then he should just decline (since you said he doesn't want to attend without you).
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Master July 2019
Hannah · on May 4, 2021 at 3:09 PM
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I agree with Shelly. I wouldn't just cross out the number, as that is equally as rude as her not inviting you to begin with. I think the best course of action is for you FH calling and asking her to clarify if his fiance is invited (because you should be, based on like every etiquette rule).
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Super May 2021
Stacey · on May 4, 2021 at 3:31 PM
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He shouldn't scratch out and write another number. I agree he should reach out separately to confirm that his fiancé is also included as a guest. If she says no, personally I would kindly decline. It's incredibly poor etiquette no matter what her rationale is (and I am assuming it would likely be flimsy).
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Dedicated December 2021
Connie · on May 4, 2021 at 3:38 PM
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I don't think she has anything against me personally, if anything, I think she may have just not realized that we are still together since it has been quite a while since we saw them last. His mom was the one who recommended using his Grandmas spot, but I dont think anyone from his family keeps up with that cousin regularly. I think my FH wants us to go to the shower and we can ask about it then. If they still say that he can't bring me, he definitely won't go. But at least they will have someone from her dad's side there for the shower.
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Dedicated December 2021
Connie · on May 4, 2021 at 3:43 PM
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Thank you, I agree that if it was the other way around, I would definitely take that as rude. I think it was an honest mistake. We both remembered seeing both of our names on the STD, but when we looked back at the envelope it only lists his name. I don't know how we got it mixed up, but I think it is most likely that she doesn't know we are engaged. It has been years since we last saw her. Since no one keeps up with her regularly, it wouldn't be surprising if she doesn't know. I will let my FH take the reigns on this one. I don't really care either way if we go or not, so if he wants to figure something out with them he can do so.
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Dedicated December 2021
Connie · on May 4, 2021 at 3:45 PM
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Thank you! I think that is the direction we will take. I don't think she meant it personally, although I must admit I was pretty surprised when she listed 1 spot on the invitation.
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VIP October 2022
Samantha · on May 4, 2021 at 3:50 PM
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Reach out. Don’t ascribe to mice what might be ignorance or incompetence. Hopefully I won’t screw that up but I may, and hope people I invite give me the benefit of the doubt.
We are being super generous with plus ones so if I make that mistake, they’ll have “and guest” at least.
I’m going to be meeting some people for the first time at the wedding, I’m sure. We’ve both lived a lot of places and have friends, colleagues, relatives everywhere. I’m going to flub something, 100%
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Master 0000
Judith · on May 4, 2021 at 3:51 PM
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You cannot invite someone you do not know exists. There is nothing wrong with him calling, and saying, did you know I am engaged? Which will prompt most people to say, give me her name and address and I will send her an invitation. It is fine to let her know that someone in your group is too ill or otherwise unable to go. But not to just use the invitation.
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Expert March 2023
Catherine · on May 4, 2021 at 3:54 PM
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If you haven’t been invited to her shower, have your FH call first to clear this up. I wouldn’t just show up to her shower without a clear invitation and then “bombard” her with the wedding invitation question. Have your FH call her and calmly ask if you are in fact invited to both her shower and her wedding, if you are, RSVP to the shower and wedding as a couple. But I wouldn’t want to embarrass her in person at her shower if she made a mistake and forgot you two were together.
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VIP August 2021
Katie · on May 4, 2021 at 4:22 PM
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I agree it would be rude to add a seat where it was not given. I also think it would be rude to take his grandmothers rsvp. The only thing to do is to have your fh contact the cousin and ask about the invitation.
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on May 4, 2021 at 4:24 PM
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Okay so you can't add a seat to the card or take someone else's RSVP, that's not how it works. It is extremely rude that they didn't invite you. I suggest that your cousin tell the couple he cant attend and it's because you aren't invited. Why go celebrate their relationship if they have no respect for yours?
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Savvy September 2021
Jillian · on May 4, 2021 at 4:55 PM
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I agree with this! If she wasn’t given the correct guest list or knew you two were still together then all you have to do is ask. I would also agree not do this at the shower like some other commenter said. Put yourself in her shoes if you got bombarded at your shower about your guest list. We have friends of my fiancé’s who are assuming they get plus ones or can bring their kids. If any of them just simply asked either of us if it was alright for a plus one or kids then we would either say yes or give our reasoning for saying no.
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on May 4, 2021 at 5:51 PM
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Oh man that is awkward. I would have your FH reach out directly to the couple in order to clarify. Sometimes mistakes happen with invitations, and it could very well be a mistake. Best to reach out (have your FH do it though because it's his family) in order to clarify.
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Just Said Yes September 2021
NICOLE · on May 4, 2021 at 6:20 PM
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Do not cross out and add 2/2. Have your FH call.
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Super February 2022
Grace · on May 4, 2021 at 7:42 PM
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Personally, I would recommend your FH call his cousin and just let her know he is engaged and that he wants you to also be invited. Doesn't have to be a long or complicated phone call, especially considering you already know others who will not be attending so they should be able to make the guest numbers work.
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Savvy May 2022
Ana · on May 4, 2021 at 8:05 PM
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I’m not sure that this was asked but when is the wedding?

If it’s fairly soon then maybe excluding you from the invitation wasn’t an oversight but rather out of necessity due to space limitations.
I’m actually dealing with something similar myself now. My FH’s buddy invited him to a wedding next month but did not include me on the envelope & since the RSVP is all online we really have no way of knowing. They also don’t know we are engaged.
Best thing to do is just politely approach the cousin & have your FH ask him if it would be alright for you to attend.
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Dedicated December 2021
Connie · on May 4, 2021 at 10:47 PM
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I talked with him about it this evening and let him know that he needs to reach out to his cousin or her mom to ask them about it. He isn't very big on following proper etiquette just for the sake of being proper, but we know it would reflect poorly on both of us to just kind of show up and bombard them. I think his original plan was for us to both go to the shower since it will be a more casual affair and not limited numbers and that way he wouldn't feel unsupportive by missing the wedding. But it will be way better to call them ahead of time to ask since both events are over 4 hrs away from us.
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