Awkward divorce situation - who to invite

However, if we don't invite her, I am pretty certain his cousins won't come either, because they are very close to their mother.

How do we navigate this? I don't think anybody has spoken to uncle directly, to ask him what he wants...but it's an awkward topic to breach.

I would issue the invite just to your uncle and give him a +1 ("Uncle Bob and Guest"). Then, in a personal conversation, tell him you wanted him to have the choice whether to invite his wife or not. It may be that he feels she "should" be there as its a family event. It may be that he couldn't stand being near her (especially at a wedding). Then, if she says something to you, you can mention that an invitation was issued in his name and it was his decision who to bring. She probably won't be surprised he chose to exclude her.

Ah the things we have to deal with involving invitations. I would let your FH handle it as its his family you can take your FMIL's advice or do what Laura said. Either way I would wait as long as possible to send the invitation. You are getting married in June so probably sending things out mid April. I would see what their relationship is like then a ton can change in a few months. I have a similar situation although not the same. I have a couple who I want them both to be there but they are separating. I'm not supposed to know tho. So I played dumb and invited them as a couple. If they ask to be seated separate or something I will make that happen but I'm not going to bring it up unless they do.

I think for your big day everyone should just get along or pretend, they were married for 20 years so that's a long time for your FH to know her. In this situation I would invite her and let the other family know and just make sure they don't sit near each other

I would send the invite to Mr and Mrs Smith at the uncles address. If he's not comfortable with her coming, he will RSVP no for her. Or I would have your FH reach out to him and find out what the uncle is comfortable with.

Coming from a divorced background (my mom & dad), and a big extended Italian family, once my mom left my dad (and also wanted to reconcile, but my dad wouldn't have any of it, after she cheated on him understandably), my mom was no longer invited to cousins weddings on my dad's side of the family. However, as a cousin, I was invited. And I went to them over the years. This aunt is not blood related also. Right? Just an aunt through marriage? That's just how it went in my family. I would send the uncle an invitation, with a plus 1. And send the cousins invitations out. But not the aunt who has separated herself from the family. Sad. I know.

My gut feeling says invite uncle and +1 and the cousins. I do agree FH should talk with uncle when it gets closer to sending invites to get a feel for whether or not he would be comfortable with aunt there. Your cousins are close to their mother, but hopefully they would understand if she wasn't invite.

Your 20 yo cousins should get over themselves. Their family has a lot of drama going on and your not obligated to deal with it on your wedding day. They should attend the wedding to support you. Them refusing to attend is selfish.

Something similar happened with my parents and my cousin's wedding (not so sudden, though, and we knew they weren't going to get back together, but it was within a couple months of the wedding and my parents had been married over 25 years, so my dad was their family, too). I was so grateful and appreciative that they invited my dad, and while things were pretty shaky and awkward with my parents, they both understood my dad being there and that it was about my cousin, our family, not them. HOWEVER, I can imagine if my mom didn't want him there, it would've been bad. So, I say FH talk to the uncle, tell him they can talk right before invites go out, but that you want to make him comfortable. I would've understood if that is how it was handled in my fam.

And by the way, I would never not go to the wedding because of this, as the adult children (I was like 20 I think). If they hold it against you, that is their problem and they need to go through a mourning type of process, and you should forgive them once they realize they were being dumb if they don't go because of that. It can be super weird for anyone to go through that as a child of people getting divorced, even as an adult, so they may do something they regret later because they don't know how to handle it. However, they might not. They shouldn't, but if they do, just be open to forgiving them for it if they don't know the right thing to do in the moment. They'll learn, and with divorced parents, most of the time you don;t know what to do because there is no right thing when you want to support both parents.

@sqwiggy I am just making an assumption right now but neither of them has said anything about not coming. We haven't even discussed the subject with them. I just guess based on their closeness that there would be some animosity but I don't know for sure.

You guys have offered some good suggestions. We aren't sending out invites until April so there's lots of time for things to change. FH will ask him closer to the date but I think extending him the plus one and telling him to do what he feels comfortable with is a good solution.