Attending rehearsal dinner but not wedding?

What is their reason for this? I would think it is rude unless they have a valid reason.

That's....very weird. Did you invite them to the wedding and they already declined?

I think that's pretty strange and rude. Do they have a legitimate reason they can't attend the wedding?

Weird and rude but I wouldn't make a huge fuss to the family. They're the ones that look bad.

I'm honestly not sure what their reasoning is, my only guess is that they have to drive three hours to get down here so they didn't want to have to take Monday off for the wedding? As it is, we have a few family members who are only attending the ceremony (their choice) so they can drive the same distance back, not sure why they wouldn't just do that.

@FutureHennigan we've invited them to the wedding but they haven't RSVP'd yet, FH got a text last night from his mom I believe telling him that's what they're thinking of doing

What time is the wedding ceremony?

If they are older, I can see them not wanting to make a 6 hour roundtrip, two days in a row. There may be personal reasons why they would not be willing to spend the night in a hotel. And if I had to choose between the reception and the RD, I would probably choose the RD too, at least I know I would get to spend time with you and the RD is usually much more casual and comfortable. Plus if I'm just trying to keep my sister happy (fmil) I would go to her event.

Maybe I'm a Pollyanna, but I would be happy that they just wanted to participate at all. People have lives and circumstances that we don't know. If we did, we might just be tolerant and understanding. So that's what I choose to be until I know something different. Certainly makes life easier and less dramatic.

I've been to one wedding where, as an out of town guest, I was invited to the rehearsal dinner and the food was served was much better than the wedding. I kind of wish I had done the same.

I don't think its rude at all. I don't think people should be considered rude if they don't want to take time off work for a wedding. Personally I work hard to earn my vacation time and I like to use it how I see fit. Your aunt and uncle are attempting to still celebrate with you so I would not make a fuss about it.

@Miami2NorthernVA the ceremony is at 5:30pm

@Midwest May you make an excellent point! I wouldn't say they're older necessarily, maybe in their mid forties, and FH and I routinely make the drive over the weekend, sometimes on consecutive weekends, but we are a bit younger so that does make sense. However, they have no obligation to come to the rehearsal dinner, so it struck me as odd that they would choose a more casual dinner over attending the wedding itself.

And I don't have a problem with them just coming to the rehearsal dinner, ultimately I want it to be what is comfortable and convenient for all of my guests. My initial reaction was based on the fact that I was/am unaware of their reasoning. I appreciate your post and your input!

DH's aunt and uncle came to our RD because FIL invited them. He also paid for the RD so it wasn't a big deal to us that they came.

Seems like this is an UO but I don't find this rude or weird at all. Since your wedding is on a Sunday 3 hours away, it is very likely, as you said, that they don't want to or can't take off work on Monday and the logistics of it are not ideal for them. They may figure that if they go to the rehearsal dinner at least they'll get to see you and congratulate you and do some celebrating with you. I'd be glad they did that than not seeing them at all.

It isn't 'normal', but I think you hit the nail on the head with: "we'll go to the RD because it's on a Saturday, but not the wedding because it's on a Sunday."

But I don't understand why you think that is rude? Surely when you booked an evening wedding on a work night, you must have realised that people will have to decline. That isn't an indictment of their feelings for you, but many people just don't have the time off to attend a Sunday evening wedding that is 3 hours away from home.

@Zoe I don't necessarily think it's rude, that was my first thought when I heard of their plan. And I did definitely consider that people wouldn't want to take the next day off, which is why we gave guests the option of staying only for the ceremony.

The only reason it struck me as rude is that they're coming to enjoy this nice steak dinner but not actually attending the event that the rehearsal dinner is centered around. To me, the wedding is more important but obviously I think that because it's my wedding

Clearly there's not any real etiquette rules around it, at the end of the day whatever they want to do is fine by me

Ok. So if the reason they don't want to attend is because they don't want to miss work I kinda get it. I wouldn't want a long drive home late at night and then have to go to work the next day. Personally I think they can take a day off of work if they really cared but I don't know the circumstances. I am assuming if you had a Saturday wedding they would not want to come either unless they planned on driving all day and then showing up.

It is still rude to go to the rehearsal dinner though unless you were the one who made that suggestion. Maybe your mom made the suggestion?

The weird part is that they have invited people not in the rehearsal to the rehearsal.

They are probably unable to come to your wedding and want to celebrate with you in some way. That was my immediate impression.

I don't think it's rude. A 5:30 ceremony on a Sunday night, plus a 3 hour drive home, is a lot to expect out of a guest. Same thing goes for a Friday ceremony that starts at 4 pm for instance- people may miss the ceremony because of work, but come for the reception. It would require potentially taking time off of work. I think them attending the rehearsal is perfectly fine and a way to show their support and celebrate with you.

'I'm going to dress up, pay for petrol, drive 6 hours, and buy a gift because I really love steaks that are cooked at the same time as 50 other people's" -no one ever.

Don't you think they could have 'a nice steak dinner' closer to home? I don't think they are doing this for the free food. They are driving 6 hours to make what they can to celebrate you. . I bet they will bring a gift and are trying their best to congratulate you in person.

By this logic, they could turn around and say 'They are throwing the wedding on a sunday night so they get gifts but don't have to pay for out of town people to attend.'

Neither situation is true. Rather, the truth of it is everyone trying to make the best of the situation to celebrate this wedding. You picked a Sunday because it worked for you, and they picked seeing you at the event on Saturday because that's what worked for them.

And honestly, you aren't hosting the RD, so why does it bother you so much? It isn't like you are having to pay for them.

I had one opinion, and then I saw what time your Sunday wedding began. If they're in their mid-forties, they aren't older -- they are at, or approaching, the apex of their careers.

You don't have to worry about the "nice steak dinner" they're attending. They don't have to drive six hours to enjoy a steak dinner -- even if they aren't paying for it. You're not paying for it; the in-laws are (unless I misunderstood you). With the travel expenses and the gift, it would be cheaper to stay home and go to a local restaurant if a steak dinner was all they were after.

Although I initially thought it was odd that so many non-participants were invited to the RD, the distance and timing of your wedding makes me believe that your in-laws wanted to invite family members (gift giving family members) to something wedding related because they suspected that many of them weren't going to attend a Sunday wedding that started at 5:30 PM and probably ended at 11:00 PM, and then the guests had to either take a day off of work, accept the fact that they'd be getting home on Monday morning after 2:00 AM, or simply decline the invitation.

This is what happens sometimes with Sunday evening weddings. It's why they are less expensive than their Saturday counterparts. There are complications. Some people try to mediate those complications -- people like your in-laws. Just be gracious when you see them.