Attend the wedding or the funeral?

That's a really tough spot. I'm assuming there is no way to try and make it to both? You said same weekend, so I'm assuming different days. It seems like this is a close friend. I would honestly talk to her and your husband (separately). Does your husband feel indifferent about your attendance? Was he close with his grandmother? I know my husband would need me with him as a support during the funeral since he's so close with his grandparents, so I would probably prioritize my husband over my friend.

I think you know what you need to do, as much as it sucks. I think you need to give your apologies to your friend, and go to the funeral.

I would talk to your husband. How would he feel about you missing it? If it were me, I know I would prioritize honoring the commitment I made to my friend, and my husband would understand.

Whatever you decide, I wouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks. Missing the funeral due to a prior commitment would not make you a bad wife!

It's a difficult decision, but I would honor the commitment to my friend to attend her wedding (as a member of the bridal party, not just a guest) and hope my in-laws understand. We would split up to attend the two events separately and make our apologies for each other.

Yes! I would do just what Mary said!

What does your husband think? Was he especially close to his grandmother? Does he want you to accompany him? I think if he is ok with you going to the wedding, do that. But if he wants you to be there for him, then you should go to the funeral. Unfortunately, things happen. I would hope whatever your decision, the people involved in the event you will be bowing out of will understand.

Unless your husband was extremely close to this grandmother and really needs your support, I would attend the wedding. I also agree with PPs that I would talk to your husband and find out what his thoughts are.

Husbands call. Let him know how torn you are and dont want to let anyone down. My guess is that he will insist that you go to your friends wedding because you committed. Maybe you can convince them to move the date if it's not a big crowd (probably dont let anyone know you asked). Did he know that it was a conflict beforehand or was it someone else's decision on the date?

Honestly, i would let my husband decide. Only he knows how much it would bother him for you to miss it. I have missed two of my own relatives Memorial services that were a few months apart because they were planned during the day. I did not feel bad about it at all because with a cremation and memorial service, those can be made anytime. I had recently been in the hospital and couldn't afford to miss any more work. Immediate family members made the memorial service at a time that was convenient for them and it's more important that they are able to attend than distant relatives.
Make your decision and don't feel bad about it because they are both important events. There is nothing you can do about the relative that has passed away, but you can still be there for the grieving family. Could you do something like arrange food to be delivered after the Memorial? Or rent a deep freezer for his grandmother's closest relative and start a food chain?

I received a call today re: someone not being able to attend my Wedding on 9/21 due to having to attend a Funeral instead.

I was honestly okay with it.

However, that was a guest, not a Bridal Paety member.

Go ahead and tell her how, maybe you two can figure out how you can attend both. Maybe Duo, Facetime, or Skype?

Definitely up to your husband. you would want him to honor you the same way if the roles were reversed.

I would honor your commitment to your friend. You agreed to this commitment probably a year ago, so while life happens, I think you should be there for your friend. It doesn’t make you a bad wife to not go to the funeral! If your H’s family asks where you are, he simply says you were already committed to being in a wedding that day. And honestly, I highly doubt your H’s family will remember if you were at his grandma’s funeral but you and your friend will always remember that you weren’t at her wedding...

I think funerals trump weddings. You can always celebrate a wedding with the newlyweds later, but you only get one chance to say goodbye to someone. I would be upset if my fiancé didn’t come to my grandmothers funeral. However I would ask your husband for the final verdict. Everyone’s family dynamics are different, so only you and him can figure this out. Unfortunately your friend doesn’t get a say in this, and if she’s a good friend she will understand eventually if you can’t make it.

Someone asked almost an identical question on WeddingBee recently. Here's the link: https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/should-i-attend-friends-wedding-as-maid-of-honor-or-my-grandfather-funeral/

She got some good advice!

I'm in favor of discussing it with your husband, but in your shoes, I'd go to the wedding. My FH wasn't close with his grandparents, so I know he wouldn't mind me missing a funeral. On the flipside, I was really close with (at least some of) my grandparents, but if he was a groomsman on the funeral day, I'd tell him to go to the wedding. I also might try to move the funeral day around if possible - we did this when my grandfather passed away while FH and I were on vacation, and we able to move the funeral back a few days. I'd also look into whether they're doing something like a visitation one day, the funeral another day, and/or the burial another day. There's a chance you could attend the wedding and (at least part of the) funeral.

I would base it off how husband is feeling, his relationship with her, and your relationship with her. If he was really upset and in need of support I’d be more inclined to go, but if not I’d go to the wedding. I *dont* think there’s a universal “funeral trumps wedding” rule as I think every situation is different and a unique set of circumstances. I would worry about how your husband feels, but NOT worry about his family judging you! (One— it doesn’t matter, and two— that’s only speculative. They may be totally understanding and frankly not even miss you [in the nicest way possible — sometimes people like to mourn with old memories and with people who weren’t a part of those around, they operate differently. Sometimes it’s nice to have an outsider around, sometimes it’s distracting]) Its also different if it was expected and mentally prepared for versus sudden and unexpected. There is no right answer here so don’t feel guilted one way or another. See how your husband feels. It’s also possible he might feel *worse* if you came as he would know he was keeping you away from the wedding and he’d feel badly about that— which really wouldn’t be helpful.

(Im presuming the out of state bit means it’s not possible to do part of both? Like wake and wedding , or rehearsal and funeral kind of set up — if that was within the realm of possibility, I’d try for that even if it meant an overnight drive or something)

I'd go to the funeral depending on whether or not your husband wants to go. Every relationship is different so it's all about context!

I'm sorry you're in this position. Personally, I would go to the wedding. I understand funerals and why we have them, but I don't view them as a form of closure. You could send a nice thoughtful card, flower arrangement to FH's parents'. As long as FH doesn't need you there with him, I would explain the situation to his parents and I'm sure they would understand.

Good luck

That's so tough - I would attend the wedding though, unless you were really close to your husband's grandmother. I know you want to support your husband, but that doesn't mean you have to choose to travel to his grandmother's funeral instead of serving as a bridesmaid in your friend's wedding.

Wow, that's definitely a tough situation you're facing. It's completely understandable that you're torn between attending your friend's wedding as a bridesmaid and being there for your husband's grandmother's funeral, especially considering her role in your wedding.