Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Beginner August 2021

At the end of my rope

Miss, on May 30, 2021 at 3:54 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14

Saved

Flag
Hide content

Hi anyone who reads this!

I want to start with the caveat that I personally just needed to vent my frustrations (long post) about my upcoming wedding this August. Any advice is greatly appreciated as I know there are many brides who have been in a similar place as I am now.
I made the mistake of asking my FH's mother to help me plan the wedding because my FH is in fasttrack college courses. Longish story short, now I feel she has taken over our wedding! And I'm super angry! I planned on a small wedding and she insidiously invited her entire extended family by adding a few here and there until it became too late to turn back and uninvite them. From the beginning, I told her my budget and now we are so far over its taking all I have and me cutting corners to "make it work" somehow. My FH, love him dearly, but he doesn't stand up to his mother which I don't want to end up being bridezilla and shutting her influence down hard. My wedding has turned into an absolute nightmare - my parents refuse to go, my sis (former MOH) is too much drama so I rescinded her being in my bridal party, my BFF is no longer attending for personal reasons, and none of my extended family is invited because they won't behave or will say they're going and not show. I only invited 5 people so I ask why am I the one fronting the majority of the bills! I am unfortunately in too deep to make changes now. RSVPS are coming in from her family and the audacity of guests writing in their specifications for the menu has sent me over the edge. Any advice or coping suggestions so I can just make it through this **** show? Thanks for reading and posting - I have no one else to talk to about this horror show that has become my wedding.
Desperately, M

Flag
Hide content

14 Comments

Latest activity by Melissa, on May 31, 2021 at 6:19 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 30, 2021 at 4:08 PM
Flag

Hide content
My advice would be that you and FH need to get on the same page FAST about setting boundaries with his mother. Him not standing up to her about this will only be the first of probably many situations that need to be addressed. Asking her to help plan doesn’t give her the right to increase your budget or add to your guest list without a conversation.
- Reply
Beginner August 2021
Miss · on May 30, 2021 at 5:00 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you Sarah and yes I completely agree! I told him last night that he needs to take the reigns on putting his mom in place because if I have to do it she and I wont have a good relationship and I dont want that. I guess further and more clear/direct convo with him is in order asap. Thanks again for the advice!
- Reply
VIP October 2022
Samantha · on May 30, 2021 at 5:21 PM
Flag

Hide content
Can you do a complete reset? Like....cancel the date, get married another day and start totally from scratch? And then don’t involve her in any way whatsoever?
- Reply
Judith · on May 30, 2021 at 5:49 PM
Flag

Hide content
I would agree with Samantha. 2-4 weeks out, what ever it is now, cancel. Call to cancel, and have a few people split the list. Faster, done in one day. Do not promise a future one. When you do the new small one, F must tell her, he did hot help make enough decisions before, so busy with school, and the wedding was not what either of you wanted. Plan a new one, small. No Save the dates. Tell the very few you want to know, then send the invitations. Send one to MIL. No planning from her. ,,, Such a small wedding is like a large holiday or dinner party. It is far easier to find small venues, or just a room in a restaurant for 2.5 hours after the ceremony. Do not get caught up with any vendors but restaurant/ caterer, and photographer. ...My first husband's MIL did this to up behind our back. Never thought we would cancel it and do the small thing we wanted. I have never regretted doing it.
- Reply
Devoted October 2021
Taylor · on May 30, 2021 at 6:14 PM
Flag

Hide content
Oy vey, what a crappy situation. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Asking for her input did not give her the right to make all these budget and guest list changes, and I’m sorry the day has gotten away from what you want. I agree with others - first is a set conversation with FH on standing up to his mom and helping out. If a cancellation and “redo” is an option, I agree it seems like a great way to go.
You can keep in small, low key, and more your original vision. If it’s not, I’d recommend your FH have a conversation with his mom that she needs to pay for what she’s requiring. If she doesn’t agree, she can call the people she wrongly invited and uninvite them. If you do go that way, I’d recommend hiring a coordinator or security to only let in people on your list.
- Reply
June 2021
Dj Tanner · on May 30, 2021 at 7:35 PM
Flag

Hide content
People are writing in specifications for their meals?? I’ve honestly never heard of this. If someone has an allergy there’s usually a meal for that type of thing. No one ever alters what is being served! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You need to learn to say “no!” Start putting your foot down and start being a bold B. Be a bridezilla! It’s better for you to be a bridezilla and have an amazing wedding, then you being nice and allowing people to walk all over you and having a bad day. In the end, this is your money! If his mother is not paying then she doesn’t get to make her own guest list! Even if she was paying she doesn’t get to make her own guest list! It’s not her wedding! And your fiancé needs to start putting his foot down and speaking up immediately! It doesn’t matter that he’s in school. If he didn’t have time for a wedding then he should’ve thought about that before he wanted to have one
- Reply
Beginner August 2021
Miss · on May 30, 2021 at 8:01 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I so wish I could do that but deposits have been paid and most things are done so it's too costly to cancel and change it. Besides, FH and I got back to classes in the Fall. Thanks for the thoughtful reply!
- Reply
Beginner August 2021
Miss · on May 30, 2021 at 8:17 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I have considered eloping to keep things small and manageable because I'm so past my threshold. Unfortunately, there's more to it than just what I wrote. Her fam has finally allowed her back into the family after decades of exclusion which is why she (way after the fact) said it's either all of them or none of them. I do love the idea of a "redo" and we will probably do another one (the wedding we wanted) at another time after, I mainly, have recouped my wasted funds from this one. Thank you for the thoughtful reply!
- Reply
Devoted September 2021
Elizabeth · on May 30, 2021 at 8:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
You have a built in excuse this year. Covid. Use it to your hearts extent. This is like the one time I would suggest not being brutally honest. Although a heart to heart may not hurt. Also, it's never too late to uninvite. It just frees up their day anyway. You asked her so you may need to head up this one but when your FH decided to marry you he made his choice between his mother and you. Hopefully it won't have to come to that, but he should stand beside you and have a sit down convo with her with a firm hand as a united front as kindly as you can. Don't ruin a beautiful day because of no communication.
- Reply
Beginner August 2021
Miss · on May 30, 2021 at 8:25 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Yes, crappy indeed and I never thought it'd turn into such a mess and I agree she needs to help more with costs. That's been part of the problem is that she has never given me a clear amount she is willing to put up for the wedding which is not license for her to act like we have an endless budget (definitely do not have that). She is paying 1/3 of the venue and a few other odds and ends, but I still don't feel it's enough since she added 50% of the guest list. I definitely have some conversations to take care of asap so I can salvage this wedding - unfortunately there have been several nonrefundable deposits made so the show must go on. Thank you for your thoughtful reply and advice!
- Reply
Expert August 2021
Katie · on May 30, 2021 at 10:13 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
I'd definitely cancel and reschedule rather it be a month later or a year. And then get with your fiance about her not having any involvement in it once so ever.
- Reply
Savvy April 2022
Sheree · on May 30, 2021 at 10:15 PM
Flag

Hide content
You need to shut it down, your parents won’t go?!! That’s insane shut it down, hard reset. Cancel if you can and get on the same page with your FH and since you are the one paying for most of it your FH needs to check his mom honestly.. I really do feel for you but your wedding day will be a nightmare if you don’t get on top of it.
- Reply
Expert August 2021
Katie · on May 30, 2021 at 10:17 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Since fmil created this mess give her the bill for all the deposits and be a bridezilla. Tell her since she turned your dream wedding into one giant nightmare you guys decided to cancel and she should pay you back for the money you spent.
- Reply

Dedicated September 2021
Melissa · on May 31, 2021 at 6:19 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

As painful as it would be, losing those deposits is cheaper than paying for a wedding you resent. Regardless, your FH really needs to put his foot down. And yes, he should absolutely be doing that, not you, since it's his mom. It sucks because he does have a lot going on, but IMO this is super important because it's presumably the 2 most important women in his life possibly getting off on a horrible foot for what will be the rest of your lives.
- Reply