Asking Pastor to Lead Non-religious Ceremony?

I am not sure if it is even appropriate to ask a religious leader to perform a non-religious ceremony. Thoughts?

The only advice i can offer is that most religious people refer to non-religious things as "secular". So it might go over better if you ask if he'd perform a secular ceremony than if you say "non-religious".

I don't know...maybe it would be better in person so you don't have to overtype and over think? I feel like a minister won't be comfortable with this. Has you fmil spoke with him about it?

Seems like it would be easier to just tell FMIL you don't want a religious officiant. BC why risk your wedding day/ ceremony. You can email all you want but what he says once its the three of you at the end of the aisle is in his hands.

I just had my friend ordained online so I can make my FMIL happy that my officiant is ordained and she doesn't have to know the details lol

@purplekitten thank you! I knew there was another word.

@tara she has spoken to him but I have no idea what she said. I think she may be holding out hope that we will have a Christian ceremony

Unless she is paying for the officiant, I would just get a secular officiant! My FH and I are having a Christian ceremony but we aren't getting married in a church, our officiant is a Reverend but not associated with a church, she is a secular officiant and can/will do any type of ceremony her clients want. I love that we literally get to pick every.single.word. that goes into our ceremony!! She also gave us some really good suggestions for wording to use that would placate relatives who might be upset we aren't getting married in an actual church, so an officiant could probably offer similar suggestions.

Are you two comfortable with this person performing a secular ceremony for you, no matter what he thinks? That's more important.

We also wanted a secular ceremony and were really uncomfortable with ministers/pastors/etc that offered officiant services, even though many said they would do secular. I didn't feel like they would genuinely wish us the best. We hired a marriage celebrant who was a) cheaper and b) awesome and c) gave zero fucks about religion.

If you are comfortable with it, I'd ask to meet in person with him, so you and FH can discuss what you both want, in person, where tone/translation might not be lost as it can in email.

@Stephanie, I think you pinpointed what has been bothering me but I couldn't put into words. If we work with this pastor I want him to be happy about performing our ceremony, not just ok with it. We will definitely meet in person, I just wanted to disclose our intentions beforehand but maybe I don't need to. A face to face conversation will definitely be the best way to communicate on this issue.

I think we might end up going with a secular celebrant, but I told FMIL I was open to meeting and considering her pastor so I am going to follow through.

You may get all kinds of head nodding about a secular ceremony from a church pastor, but I can tell you it won't happen and god will show up in your ceremony...I mean, that's his business, right? Preaching the word of the lord.

Why waste his time and yours? And sounds like FMIL may go behind your backs and could tell him to insert god - she likely thinks your FH still believes but is just astray.

Personally, I'm atheist (grew up as a catholic). I don't advertise myself as a minister, pastor, or reverend. I advertise myself as an "officiant." By law, I have to be ordained by a "church." So I have two ordinations by two churches that are equality-based, and I'll be getting my notary to perform confidential marriages in my county. But - I'm fervent in my lack of belief, and make sure my couples get to read the whole ceremony prior to the wedding, and guarantee god will not be mentioned. I don't want couples to worry that if I'm calling myself "pastor" or "reverend" or "minister" that they will have to be uneasy about what will come out of my mouth, lol.

I think you'd be better off hiring a secular officiant/celebrant.

Best wishes to you.

I think that is your best course!

As an ordained minister affiliated with the same church for 22 years. I can say the details And location of your wedding or your decision. As an officiate it's not looking sar about my. The 50S duty and goal is to complete joining of the 2 of you as one and that's all how you choose to do that is really neither here nor there everyone can be in jeans and a T-shirt blowing bubble gum and it doesn't matter at all. At least it shouldn't.

Why are you allowing anyone other than you future husband have say in your ceremony?

And what you are asking of this pastor, should you choose to send the email, is inappropriate.

You and your fiance are the ones who need to make the decisions, not his parents or yours. If neither of you are religious, then it makes no sense to have a pastor/priest perform the ceremony to appease someone else. Find a non-religious officiant.