Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

C
Just Said Yes August 2019

Asking ex best friend to be in my wedding?

Christina, on June 9, 2019 at 1:49 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 17
Saved
Reply
Desperately need some unbiased opinions and advice. Long story short, my ex best friend and I are in the beginning stages of reconnecting after a disastrous and awful falling out 4.5 years ago. We’ve agreed to take it slow. As for the fall out, we lived together and I wound up leaving due to toxic behaviors on her part. She is so far proving to be regretful, apologetic, and sincere.

We were best friends for 16 years, growing up together and doing everything together. We always imagined we’d be bridesmaids in each other’s weddings. That being said, my wedding is less than two months away and I’m feeling torn about whether or not to invite her or squeeze her in to be a part of my bridal party. It feels like odd timing to make her a bridesmaid since everything is still fresh with our friendship again and it’s so late in my planning, but I also feel like if I just invite her as a guest, it will feel weird and sad to have her present but not playing a role in my big day. I’m not sure if there even is a way to include her in the wedding other than being a bridesmaid. But it wouldn’t be taking it slow to include her. I’m very torn. Any advice is appreciated as I am very lost on what to do. TIA.

17 Comments

  • Wendy
    Super August 2021
    Wendy ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content


    actually have a situation just like this, and my advice is: if you are still working on the friendship then I would take it slow but If you honestly can’t see her as only a guest on your wedding then I say go for it and ask her to be your bridesmaid...
    • Reply
  • W
    Savvy December 2015
    Woman On The Go ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I had a falling out with my best friend of ten years before our wedding. I ended up asking her to please remain my MOH because I felt like we would be able to work things out, and I didn't want remember my wedding as a day I didn't have my best friend with me. Three years later, we're still friends but not nearly as close (geographically or emotionally). If I had it to do over again, I probably wouldn't have had her in my small bridal party. We weren't in a good enough place at the time of the wedding, so it didn't feel right. It doesn't sound like you and the ex bff are in the right place either right now, but if it's important to you to include her as more than a regular guest, you can always get together and ask her if she'd like to have a role in the wedding/bridal party.
    • Reply
  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Could she do a reading, or do another part in the wedding besides being a BM? I know how you feel kind of, my best friend was supposed to be my MOH but stepped down. It really hurts & I am still pretty sad that she isn’t involve in the wedding.
    • Reply
  • H
    Savvy August 2019
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    At this stage if you don't invite her it is 100% ok, if you think you want to, just a guest at the wedding is more than nice of you.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    If you agreed to take it slow, I definitely wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. I think it’s fine to invite her as just a guest. Your guests are still important to the day, but wedding party members really should be your nearest and dearest and if you haven’t been friends with this girl for nearly 5 years, I wouldn’t consider her in that group.
    • Reply
  • Monique
    Master December 2019
    Monique ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I say absolutely not! I have a great friend I had a falling out with (it was not pretty) and she came to me several months ago and apologized and we began to try slowly to build things up. I have since found out it was all a lie because she went right back to previous behavior that caused the fall out in the first place. Be careful of asking someone you are just reconnecting with to be a part of something that big in your life Smiley smile
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Nope. I think it’s too early if the “break-up” was due to her toxic behavior. I don’t think you’ll regret NOT having her in your party but might have regret if you DO and something goes wrong or just doesn’t feel 💯 percent right.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Invite her as a guest. It’s too soon to include her in the bridal party. If you were getting married a year from now, it might make sense to include her, but that’s not where you are.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    If you ask her to be a BM, it may put you in conflict over dress styles, schedules and such, pitfalls for a fragile relationship. Don't. At the beginning of the dinner it is traditional for some family member or friend, or host other than the couple, to say a 1-2 minute speech, then toast to your future happiness. Perhaps you could say that with your long history as friends, and your recent reconciliation, you think it would be nice for her to be one of the people doing a toast, looking into the future with you. Even if she says, she prefers not to do any public speaking, it will be a very positive statement of friendship from you.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Dedicated August 2019
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I think inviting her to the wedding would be a nice gesture. She knows y’all are rebuilding the friendship again so hopefully she’d understand.
    • Reply
  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Invite her as a guest. See how she reacts, if it's mature and happy to attend as a guest, it is a big step in a good direction for your friendship! If she throws a fit over not being a BM, you know you made a good choice, as that would be how she would behave as a BM.

    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes August 2019
    Christina ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Thanks everyone! You all have great points. I’ve decided to rule out making her a BM. That was not the most rational thought; nostalgia was definitely getting to the best of me. As sad as it may be, I have come to accept that she will not be in my wedding. Maybe one day if/when she gets married and we’re in a more stable position, I can be her BM. If not, that’s ok too.

    I will invite her as a guest. I contemplated asking if she would like to make a speech but another aspect I thought of was she may not even feel comfortable being a big part of that day. I think at this fragile stage in our friendship, we need to just keep it simple.
    • Reply
  • Megan
    Savvy June 2019
    Megan ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    My advice is don't do it. I was reconnecting with an old friend when one of my bridesmaids didn't work out and I suddenly had a spot to fill. I decided to ask her if she'd be willing to step in and she said yes. Fast forward a few months and the friendship ended up fizzling out just as quickly as it rebegun. Invite her as a guest, but if she hasn't been present in your life for a while then you can't put that trust in her for such a big day in your life. Flaky, toxic friends have no place in such an important event.

    • Reply
  • Savvy June 2021
    ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I am going through the same thing right now and overthinking it pretty badly. I don't understand why I feel like I "owe it to her" to make her a bridesmaid. I'm getting married in 3 months and we've been texting a bit but we had a major falling out about 4 years ago and recently, (especially since I got engaged) have seen each other ONCE since then!! ugh! She's going to have to understand and if she doesn't then she hasn't really grown up I guess, right??

    • Reply
  • Savvy June 2021
    ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Yeah, I like this idea.

    • Reply
  • Suzie
    Super October 2021
    Suzie ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with this. Things are still new with you two right now, and an invite to your wedding is welcome enough. If you’re on the fence, then that shows you still have doubt, and you may regret it in the end. Toxic behavior takes a long time to work through, on her end and yours. I had a similar situation a few years ago with my bf, also of 16 years, where we didn’t speak for a year, and then reconnected. Things were ok for about a year, but she still had a lot of the same tendencies that drove me away, and then she ghosted me on my birthday, and I didn’t hear from her for months. Needless to say, we are no longer friends. You don’t owe her a place in your wedding. She should be happy to even be invited as a guest. If she asks, you can nicely say you’re happy to have her in your life right now, but just aren’t comfortable at this point having her in the wedding. But don't offer that information unless she specifically says something. If she gets mad, well then you made the right choice.

    • Reply
  • Savvy June 2021
    ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Following this post and this is great advice, Suzie! No one owed anyone anything and if they feel the need to ask then just say it what feels right, right now..

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

The 15 Best Micro Wedding Venues in the U.S.
Places to Celebrate The 15 Best Micro Wedding Venues in the U.S. Host your (small) big day at one of these picture-perfect spots.
The 20 Best Beach Wedding Venues for a Relaxed and Romantic Big Day
Places to Celebrate The 20 Best Beach Wedding Venues for a Relaxed and Romantic... We searched the world for the most stunning beach wedding venues, check out our...
The 24 Best Destination Wedding Locations, Hands Down
Locations The 24 Best Destination Wedding Locations, Hands Down Choosing a destination wedding location can be tough—but we're here to help...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics