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Janessa
Dedicated November 2022

Arguing about the wedding..help?

Janessa, on January 26, 2021 at 2:28 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 15
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Ladies, so my fiance and I have had it we want to get married 11/11/21 -its a special number and has significance to us. I know this is about a few months out... venues havent been booked just visited and called around so we have in mind whats available still. Looking to do a small weddign about 45 ppl or less. Backstory is we have had this date in mind and haven't talked about any other one, I even started working on save the dates to send out. However, I got into a huge blowout this past week bc of the stress from the wedding planning process. Basically I am not employed , Im a SAHM, but I have enough in savings that I am able to pay half on everything. Keep in mind Im looking at costs being aboiut 12,000 or less so not a huge budget blowout.


So basically I tried to open up about venues, and them being booked and we need to start putting a deposit down, and his reply was " you need to be employed" Thats it- straight up didnt even try to hear anything else. Well it caused a huge rift between us , and I feel like Im basically being pulled in two different directions, that theres hope this wedding might happen on this date, but might not. I feel more emotional ties to this than my fiance and I just wish I wouldve been told straight up it wont happen this year. Hes the type thats well if it happens it happens. As a woman, I'm able to take care of my own and dont ask for help. I also have been engaged for 1 year and a half already. I feel this wedding process is something I enjoy it makes me happy, but it's causing stress and arguing between us and really shows the lack of alignment between us. Ladies I need input , help please. Am I wrong, am I too emotional? Thoughts.... feeling bummed out

15 Comments

Latest activity by Janessa, on January 28, 2021 at 8:51 AM
  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
    • Flag
    Do you feel the real issue about the wedding? Or about you being unemployed? I only ask because your FH’s response didn’t really fit the question. So it seems like more like an issue/topic that’s been on his mind.
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    The budget and timing of a wedding definitely need to be agreed on between the two of you before any more planning can be done. This isn't a "which one of you is wrong" scenario. This is the time to talk honestly and openly about what you each want and come to a compromise. You two may need couples counseling, pre-marital counseling, or financial counseling to get there. Good luck!

    On a practical note, I would try to set your desire for that particular date aside for now. There are so many other considerations that need to come first.

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  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
    • Flag

    I agree with both previous posters.

    It sounds like your fiancé might have an issue with you being unemployed. He might be concerned about spending money on a wedding so soon with no help of an additional income. If that is the case, I think this is a valid concern, as weddings can be expensive. This is something you two need to have a very serious conversation about. You both need to be on the same page when it comes to your wedding date and wedding planning in general.

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  • M
    Expert June 2021
    Melanie ·
    • Flag

    So I'd just like to start with being a SAHM is a job in my eyes!

    But it does seem like maybe be he feels like he's the only one bringing in money, or he doesn't think together you have enough money to cover the wedding and your finances after, or something else deeper beyond the wedding itself that he doesn't want to straight up tell you. You can't work on planning a wedding if you're not on the same page, so I too would set that date aside and work on figuring out the real issue. Wishing you luck!

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  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    I feel he makes it a point he wants to be more "financially secure" than what we are right now. Even though Im contributing as equal as him, Thats his main point.

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  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    Hi Maggie, I agree we both need to be on the same page, if not thsi whole process will be a mess, not to mention probably leak into other aspects in the relationship. I agree, honesty is best and prob will be the thing that wont cause any resentment later on.

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  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    I agree, I guess his concerns havent been voiced so directly towards me , I guess I am letting emotions take over , versus what are the expectations from both sides.

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  • Allie
    Rockstar November 2021
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    As others said, I think you both need to discuss what is going on and why he said what he said. Are you unexpectedly unemployed? Because to me, saying you are a SAHM makes it sound like you have chosen that as your job (which I think is more tiring than a normal job honestly!). And if it was chosen, did you both choose that together? If that's the case, he isn't being fair. If you made that decision together I would be questioning why he is now saying you need to find a job all of a sudden before you get married. If you were laid off because of the pandemic or lost a job for other reasons, then I might be able to see why he is feeling insecure about income and making payments on a venue because they can be expensive.

    Lastly, I think 11/11/21 is probably something that you should be reconsidering at this point. 11/11/22 is a Friday, so could you move it to then to give you guys more time to discuss and iron things out? Not sure if it's the 11/11 that holds significance or the 2021.

    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated March 2021
    Annika ·
    • Flag
    I’d make sure you get on the same page first. Planning a wedding is stressful enough even when your relationship is well. Plus you have a little one. As others mentioned, I wouldn’t get too caught up on the date. Make sure you and FH are aligned and removed any blockers first. Everything else will fall in place.
    • Reply
  • W
    Super September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    Being a STAHM is a job. It's an unpaid job. If he's not happy with you not having the kind of job that pays, then that needs to be resolved before the wedding. Also, both partners need to be on board with one parent staying at home.


    It sounds like he resents being the breadwinner, and does not appreciate or value your labor. I recommend you figure out the logistics and costs of childcare, and look into how to transition into the workforce. He may start singing a different tune once he realizes how expensive childcare is.
    IMO, being a SAHM doesn't work unless you're married, you'll be entitled to spousal and child support if you divorce, and your partner is 100% on board. Otherwise you're financially reliant on someone who has no legal obligation to support you.
    • Reply
  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    Thank you for the honest feedback and I all this planning, parties , details takes away what’s really important . I rather work on the discrepancies in our relationship to make sure we have misunderstandings like this worked out before a big day 💜
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    Sounds like he's concerned with spending thousands on a wedding when you don't have an income. That's cool about your savings but $$$ towards a wedding could be going to something he sees as more of a priority.
    • Reply
  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    Hi Allie, So I chose to be a stay at home mom before I met him, I was working and a signle mom when I got laid off, so the decision just worked out with timing, and was able to live with family to help out. He doesnt pressure me to get a job, but he does feel in order to invest in soemthing like a wedding we have to have more of a secured financial status- as he doesnt want to go into debt over this . 11/11 plays the significance, as far as the year I guess it ties into pressures of having been engaged going on 2 years seems drawn out, but I have to understand if it doesnt work right now, perhaps theres a better time.

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  • Sexypoodle
    Master October 2021
    Sexypoodle ·
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    I’m all for being financially secure. So I do agree with him. Perhaps your FH is thinking about the fact that you want to use half of your savings (on a wedding) without a way for the account to be replenished. I imagine that when the financial burdens are on a single person, the decisions about spending money are very different from their angle.
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  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    I think that’s exactly what it is , and I know it’s coming from a good place and just having a stable foundation to begin a marriage with .
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