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Just Said Yes September 2023

Appropriate time between sibling weddings

Andrea, on September 19, 2022 at 12:45 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 16
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What is an appropriate amount of time between sibling weddings?


A little back story: my FH and I have been together nearly 10 years. 2023 will be 10 years for us and 2023 will also be 3 years since we got engaged. We got engaged right before Covid hit and then we had our son who was born with a heart defect so we put planning anything on the back burner until our son was stable and we knew we could move forward. I had gone to bridal shows during the last few years and due to covid dates were booked because of others weddings needing to be pushed back. I didn’t mention to my family that we were beginning to look at planning as my FH and I are paying for everything ourselves. We had decided that we wanted to do summer or fall. We just found out one of the groomsmen will be deployed and not returning until October 2023 now so we were looking to accommodate him since he is important in our lives. Here is where the issue comes in: My brother and his FW got engaged earlier this year and planned to elope first then have a reception at home after. Come to find out the elopement is happening early September and apparently they booked a venue for mid October for their reception. I had no idea when they were planning everything and saw it posted on Facebook. Due to finding out this info suddenly I messaged asking what date because we may need to do October. My brother and mom flipped out. We are having an outdoor ceremony and reception that we wanted the fall foliage around for and for everyone attending to not freeze. We weren’t going to do the week immediately before or after theirs but maybe end of October. My mom said we could choose ANY OTHER MONTH, and went on to say that the 4 or so weeks leading up to their wedding would be hectic because of showers, fittings, etc. At this point and with that logic we couldn’t even do September due to them eloping and once they got back, our wedding would be “too close”. If we had our date already and they booked even the week before or after us we would not have an issue but apparently they do. So at this point it looks like we need to give up planning for fall 2023. Side note: the majority of the guests at the weddings will not be the same at both. A very small group will be.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on September 21, 2022 at 11:48 PM
  • Michael
    Master October 2023
    Michael ·
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    The complaint against your general timing does not make sense. Your mom is on the groom's side and therefore tends to have fewer obligations. Also, they are eloping, which means their prep for the ceremony is much earlier. Nor would your mom have to arrange a shower for you. Someone else might reasonably do that. Plus, the time range she wants for your brother is more than a month, which is excessive. It just seems like her emotions are involved, not logic.

    Just as in another situation posted here recently, the guest list has very little overlap. It seems unnecessary to do any special plans except perhaps avoid the same weekend. Also, there should be some priority to the ceremony-reception combination since these get people witnessing the ceremony --which is the most significant aspect here.

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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    While I can agree that this may make the month of October super hectic for any overlapping guests of honor (MOB, potentially bridal party if siblings are involved), this isn't that big of a deal. Does your family have a lot of out of town guests? If so, I could understand sibling being upset that some guests will have to choose one wedding or another, but you said the guest overlap is very small? Does your sibling just not want you to get married before them and overshadow their wedding day? A little childish. I wouldn't care if my sister got married the day before me, lol. The showers and fittings should not be happening the month of their wedding, so that's BS...sorry Smiley xd

    Secondly, fall 2023 is not just October. If you want to avoid drama, move it to November. However, I can understand how you shouldn't have to, and when it comes to weddings, being to pliable can make you up to be taken advantage of.

    Thirdly, caution on planning your wedding around one single person. What if he gets more orders? What if he gets sick? What if for some other unpredictable reason, groomsman can't or doesn't go? I know these aren't things we ever consider for super close friends, but it is reality.

    If I was you, I'd lay out the logistics with just you and your sibling and ask them to explain to you what the problem is. If they have REAL concerns, I would consider moving the date out of courtesy.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2023
    Andrea ·
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    Hi Bailey, thank you for your response. As far as out of town guests that would potentially be coming to both it is literally 2 people. Most of the guests going to my brothers wedding will not be at mine with the exception of family that is local and a few mutual friends. This was their response to me regarding timing “ It’s not my place to tell you when or how to do it, but personally I think that would be pretty lame. We don’t want to take away from yours, or the other way around. ”


    I wouldn’t mind moving it to the first weekend of November but we are in Ohio and it could potentially be extremely cold. We are having an outdoor ceremony and reception and while we already plan on renting tents, moving it to November could increase what we need for our budget by a lot due to needing tent heaters. Plus the leaves could also be past the “fall colors” so our photos would be bare trees and gray skies 😕
    I understand about planning around a single person but they are reserves and having their wedding the weekend before my brother and his fiance are supposed to. So barring any extreme circumstances, he SHOULD be home if we were to do it in October. My biggest issue with this whole thing is the fact that they are essentially getting 2 days that are their own but taking up a span of 2 months. I wouldn’t have cared one bit if they got married the same weekend as us. It would have made it easier for out of town guests had we had more on our list that were mutual guests.
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    It's silly to think anybody elses wedding would ever take away from yours/theirs, so I would honestly just move forward with your original date. None of your guests are going to compare your weddings to another, and I'd hope after they're said and done your brother would agree with that statement!

    I'm from the South, where the weather is completely unpredictable regardless of the month Smiley xd but if you think November really runs the risk of losing your entire vibe, I would sit your brother down and explain all of this. You're being really reasonable and have good intentions behind this planning, so stand your ground!

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Sorry, but your brother and mom are being kind of unreasonable. You get one day. You don’t own the week, month, year, or whatever time period you get married in. I know they’re eloping in September and then reception in October, but I’d argue the only days they own are the actual elopement date and reception date. Since you said out of town guest overlap would only be two people, this is really not causing a huge inconvenience for many people. Showers do NOT need to be held the month of your wedding. You can hold them 2-3 months before (I got married in May and I had a couples shower in February and a bridal shower in April) and just coordinate with your brother and FSIL so that they aren’t on the same days. Also fittings don’t take an entire day……they’re not going derail everything.


    I’d advise against giving in to their talk because it will open the door to further manipulation on other things. However I know some people would say that they’d just rather not have to deal with the stress of their family being mad at them and just oblige. If the month of October is very important to you, stand your ground.
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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2023
    Andrea ·
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    Thank you, I thought I was going crazy yesterday when all this went down. My biggest issue with all this as of right now is how they feel entitled to such a large time frame and how my mother felt the need to tell me to “quit playing the victim”
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  • Paige
    VIP October 2022
    Paige ·
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    First off, they get a day (maybe 2 in this scenario since the elopement and reception are on different dates), but they do not get a week, month, or year. Secondly, if they're eloping in September, wouldn't it make sense to have a shower BEFORE then!? It seems odd to me to have a post-wedding bridal shower, especially since it's normal to throw a shower a month or so before the wedding (which would put them in June/ July at that point). My shower happened 5 months ahead of our wedding.

    I'm getting married in a month, and there's definitely a lot to do, but I could also swing a sibling's wedding or other special event if something popped up, particularly if I had it on the calendar for over a year. If October is what works for you guys, stick to it.

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Aw I’m sorry that’s happening! I hope you and your FH are able to work out the date for the one you want! I know having arguments with family members during engagement/wedding can be tough. Definitely lean on FH for support and share your emotions/thoughts with him so you don’t feel alone in navigating this issue.
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  • Jm Sunshine
    Jm Sunshine ·
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    Plus, a lot of people stuck on etiquette would say pre-weddings events (bridal showers, bach parties, etc.) should not occur for elopements since people aren't invited to the ceremony.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Agreed. No showers for elopers.

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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Your mother is the MOG, not MOB, and would be doing less for your brother's reception-only evening. She may be overcompensating because they are eloping. However, for you, she IS the MOB and (if you allow her) would be doing more for you. You're also having a full wedding. If she can't financially or emotionally give to both siblings, someone else can host your shower. But overall all those parties: bridal showers, bachelorettes, bachelor parties, engagement parties are all optional. Lay down your reasons with them, then turn off your ears to their manipulation.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2023
    Andrea ·
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    We aren’t asking anyone in our family to do anything financially, we know times are tough for people and stress is high so we are paying for everything ourselves. The only thing we really would be doing is bachelor/bachelorette parties. We have been living together for nearly 10 years, own a home, we have pretty much everything we need so a shower isn’t necessary. We’ve been engaged for almost 3 years now and still haven’t had an engagement party, no one ever offered to throw one (not even sure if that’s how it works, lol). They know my reasons for needing to possibly move it to October and according to my mom when I told her we can’t do it at the beginning of September due to my brother and FSIL eloping, can’t do it towards the end of September because that’s too close to their mid October wedding and can’t do it end of October because again that’s too close to their mid October wedding, then we might as well say forget it to a 2023 wedding, where she then told me to stop playing the victim. Told me we could have chosen “ANY OTHER MONTH”
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    That is ridiculous and insulting. They don't get 2 months blocked off because they are two-parting it. When feelings subside, I would take your mom's word with a grain of salt because she does not speak for the couple. All weddings involve some familial disappointment, so you're not alone. You will get through this. Good luck.

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  • A
    Just Said Yes September 2023
    Andrea ·
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    Unfortunately my brother was the first to contact me about it saying he felt it was pretty lame
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  • Michael
    Master October 2023
    Michael ·
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    Sure. I wondered if it was just you mom that was bothered by this. Hope she comes to some common sense.

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  • Michelle
    Champion December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Unless you are planning a double ceremony with 2 couples marrying at the same time, every couple gets one day. Not the week/month/year. So it would be appropriate to marry the day before or after or the week before or after. You and fiancé pick your date, the other sibling and fiancé picks theirs. If they are unwilling to compromise, they are in the wrong. Mom has no say regarding your wedding since she already got married, and many older generations find it normal/expected for the parents to plan the wedding for their children because their own parents planned theirs.
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