Anyone else feel this way?

I meant to say he will be remaining Catholic. Not Lutheran.

I think you need to talk with him. You should know where he stands on this: does he want to raiSe your children catholic or is he just feeling pressure from his family?
Before you get married you should be on the same page when it comes to religion, otherwise you will keep having this fight down the line especially if you have kids.

I agree with PP. this is a conversation for that two of you and not his family. Make sure you are on the same page and can stick together no matter what. Perhaps counseling could help too.

So I'm Catholic and yes there are MANY rules and rituals that need to be completed before you guys can even say I do. I'm Catholic and he's Baptist so we've decided together that we'll have a faith based ceremony just not in a church. People get so hung up on the church, yes it's a very sacred place but it's still a building. You can still love God and praise him in other areas.
I personally think your fiancè needs to realize that you and him are becoming one. When we get married we're supposed to leave our mothers and fathers behind. You become each others first priority and that's something we learned in marriage counseling. We can't let our parents have such a strong opinion or say so over our relationship because at the end of the day your making those vows to each other and not your parents. Shame on them for being that way because that is not Godlike behavior. You shouldn't have to change your beliefs to satisfy them and he shouldn't be so easily influenced by them. He knew you weren't Catholic when he proposed to you and he was totally ok with it. It should not matter now. I know this is a tough one because I know what it takes to get married in the Catholic church. Good luck with your journey!

Unfortunately all of us having weddings this year are going to have increases in declines because of covid concerns. It isn’t about you not being worthy enough, so please don’t think that. Have you looked into live-streaming options so you can still include grandpa and other loved ones virtually on your big day? I bet they feel terrible declining and would love to still be involved and see it and be part of it how they can.

I'm sorry that you're going through this and I hope you're at least able to talk to your FH about how you feel. I'm not in this situation, but for reasons that are not interesting I did a lot of research about Catholic wedding requirements at some point. Hopefully you'll find some of this useful and/or comforting even if it's not what you were looking for.
Would you be okay with having the ceremony in a church and the reception outdoors/in a barn? If you're okay with compromising on that, I think it'll be fairly easily for you to deal with most of the other issues. Since your FH is Catholic and you're a different kind of Christian, it's possible to get permission to get married in a Catholic church without you having to convert first. As far as raising your kids Catholic, try to get on the same page as your FH about what that means to him. It could mean that he wants the kids to be super-religious and go to Catholic school, but you've been together for a while and you'd probably know that but now. It's possible to have your kids go to church most weekends, get all of the sacraments, and not make their Catholicism take over your life. Try to find a church that's accepting of all people, so you won't feel like the odd one out because you're not Catholic (one that lets gay people have communion is probably a good choice). You're going to be okay.

I agree with the above. My first wedding was to a Catholic boy and a few things mentioned above aren't entirely correct. He is the one who signs the form saying he will advocate for the kids to be Catholic. You don't sign anything. The reason this is a big deal is because according to the Catholic faith the kiss take on the religion of their mother. That means by marrying you his kids are assumed to be non-Catholic. This was explained to me by the father who married us. His priest out family may not share this with you if they think they can convince you. You can also get married in the Catholic Church without converting. I did. We only couldn't have communion or the alter candles lit during our service.


My then fiancé said he was fine with everything and we moved forward. His mother and extended families made our marriage incredibly challenging. Religion isn't just about heaven or hell. It's the values that people hold and should really be a huge flag whenpeople aren't in sync. If he caves to mom about your wedding - what will happen when you have children. Canhe tellhis mom no? Or will you be living out your marriage on her terms? How happy will you be if you marry and his mom dictates your future?
I strongly urge you to really consider the implications of all this and to seek advice from your circle and not only his. Call a Lutheran minister - they'll talk to you. Or call a Methodist minister - they talk to anyone. I'm Methodist - tell them a Methodist friend suggested them for help. Please don't just let this get sweptunder the carpet. This is the rest of your life... Think really hard about all the differences. I wish I had at the time. You can message me if you need to talk.

View Quoted Comment Your post is perfect...great tips! Especially with the ceremony at the church and reception outdoors ideas!

View Quoted Comment Love this!

View Quoted Comment Thank you!

View Quoted Comment 2 Catholic priests begged me to reconsider marrying my then fiancé. I thought they were anti-anyone-not-Catholic. They weren't. Instead, they were trying to show me how different he and I were - and that I was signing up for a lifetime of challenges. In the end, he's Conservative and I'm liberal. That our differences would spell trouble was evident to everyone but us. Pre-cana class and our compatibility test revealed the challenges too. We still married and underestimated the issues they revealed.


In the end, his mother and his extended family broke us along with our differences. My family was out of state so I had no one to rely on for outside perspective. My children are Methodist. We divorced with an 18 month old and 4 yr old. Even 10 years later, he can't say no to her.
Having the hard talks now beats having unsolvable disagreements later. If it won't work out, please love yourself (and him) enough to find out now...

Sounds like premarital counseling is in order. You don't want to enter marriage having made all the concessions. Does your FH have trouble standing up to his family? That's another issue.

View Quoted Comment Yes he does. Its always been an issue. We try to set boundaries but he just gives in.

I consider myself non-denominational /evangelical and what i find funny is that i thought Catholic and Lutheran were very similar.. so many rules and stuffy-ness. My cousin had a catholic wedding last year and it was so hard to sit through!! And i was annoyed they couldnt even play the Harry Potter music they wanted as their recessional music “cuz it was sinful” puhlease...🙄 ... i agree with the others , husband and wife come first, not what family wants... talk it over with ur man.. and you both stand firm... sorry you have to handle this

Def talk with your FH. Personally I wouldn't feel comfortable converting just for someone's family and to feel like I have to give up my dream wedding. That day is special and you dont want to look back and have regrets. From what I have seen and read on a lot of these forums is definitely worth considering, it seems like quite a few women have similar experiences or have been in your shoes, and have found it to be challenging. As long as you and your FH are on the same page you're good. I will admit, that my husband had an issue standing up to his family and it severely impacted our relations, we even went to pre martial counseling (our issue was different I'm mixed half black half white and hes white, his parents are anti interracial relationships) & they would always say rude things. Well standing up to people comes with a cost, he sacrificed his relationship with his parents for our marriage because they are racist. Standing up to his family may be a good thing for your FH, but for every action theres a consequence unfortunately. I wish you the best!

I would definitely do some premarital counseling! Best of luck

I should also add that my now-husband and I did premarital counseling with our rabbi because we both came from different denominations of Judaism. Of course I know next to nothing about Christianity, but mostly wanted to add that premarital counseling was super helpful in getting the two of us on the same page religiously, and made us realize where we both needed to make compromises. Maybe something like this exists for what you're dealing with?

DH is Catholic and wanted to get married in the Church. I am, for all intents and purposes, pagan, but I said, well, I don't think the priest is going to go for it, but we can try.

We did precana. (The weekend version.) It was AWFUL for me. Now, first of all, we ended up with the worst run weekend (like, say, my room didn't have COLD water, on a physical level, and then there was just poor leadership). Secondly, the people running it were supposed to be the more "progressive" "younger" couple... and it was the older couple who took over and ran the show. They ranted on and on about how birth control causes birth defects. (They last used birth control in the 60s. When it did.)

Anyway, long story short, I came back traumatized and uncertain I wanted to go anywhere near the Church, but we still spoke to the priest.

Who pretty much heard that I was traumatized and then decided he didn't want to speak to us further. We spent over a month trying to get in touch with him, after DH and I talked a lot of things through... and the priest, again, without ever actually addressing my concerns, just said no. 3 1/2 months before the wedding. He did say we could consider coming back and having the marriage blessed by a priest, but *still didn't address my concerns*.

I walked out of the meeting and vowed to never set foot in the Church again. (I have not. I got very sick over Christmas, and then COVID happened. Also, it seems that parish is changing orders. But I still won't.)

We ended up getting married at our venue, with a dear friend as an officiant. He wove in aspects of Catholicism for DH, and some of my more pagan beliefs for me.

NOW, it turns out that my ILs were totally ok with us not getting married in the Church, which would have been nice to know before they offered to pay for precana. Because my conversations about precana would have been very different, and we likely would not have gone, because DH would have felt less pressure to be married in the Church.

TL;dr: DH and I went through something similar. The overwhelming majority of figuring this out was that he and I talked *extensively*. We are *still* - after marriage - negotiating things. (Like, if I'm cool with any children being baptized. At the moment... yes-ish. Kinda.) This will be a lifelong discussion for both of you. But it can be done. You need to be respectful of each other's differing beliefs (and you've got a lot of things in common, like the belief in a Christian God.... I'm over here believing in reincarnation and karma, so sometimes DH and I don't even have a shared understanding), talk through what church and faith mean to you, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: keep your families out of it!!! If they get involved in the ceremony decision making, they will be involved in *every* other intimate decision. From your house to how you raise your kids.

A *secular* counselor might help, here, as they would not have a horse in the race, so to speak.

View Quoted Comment I love this. I agree with keeping the families out of it because then they really will be involved in every other intimate decision. I've seen it happen with my parents in raising me..my dads family is overbearing and now even he doesnt talk to them, almost broke their marriage up