T
Beginner October 2022

Anxiety over picking bridesmaids and maid of honor!

TS, on January 12, 2021 at 9:39 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
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Hi everyone! I am getting married in Fall 2022 and am planning to ask my friends to be in my wedding party soon. My fiance is having 6 friends in his wedding party, so I am planning to match that number.

I have 2 friends who I am closest to, and I honestly don't think I could choose between them for maid of honor. I'm planning to ask them to be co-maids of honor, however I am a bit worried because they are not the biggest fans of each other. I'm hoping that for the sake of my wedding there won't be any drama about this, but I really hope neither is offended that I want to split the maid of honor role. Smiley sad

I have another close friend who lives out of state who I will definitely ask to be a bridesmaid, and my 2 future sister in-laws are also definite. For my 6th, I'm torn between 2 girls. One is a friend from college who I met through a mutual friend (we are 3 years out of college) and we have stayed friends since, however we don't talk super often. I would like to think we're pretty good friends but I know she has friends she's closer to. The other girl I became friends with when we started the same job 2 and a half years ago. We quickly became good friends and text every single day, however she has only met my fiance once and I'm not sure if she would feel comfortable being a bridesmaid as we haven't been friends for very long. Just to note, we do things together outside of work and I do think we will stay friends even if we both switch companies in the future.

I would like to keep it to 6 as my fiance doesn't have anyone else he can ask, and to be honest I think 6 is the perfect number for a wedding party!

I always have anxiety about these kinds of decisions and I'm just terrified of upsetting anyone or making them feel uncomfortable if they don't feel like a close enough friend to me to be my bridesmaid. Is there any kind of etiquette for this - i.e. you should pick a friend who you've been friends with longer?

Thank you in advance for helping calm my nerves! I'm sure this is all just in my head but it's helpful to hear some other perspectives. Smiley smile

14 Comments

Latest activity by Cassidy, on January 16, 2021 at 12:09 PM
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag

    I would wait until about 9 months prior to the wedding because there really isn't anything that needs to be done any sooner. Bridesmaids dresses don't take forever to come in like a wedding dress. Asking too soon can very easily lead to regrets because friendships change over time. You absolutely don't need to have the same number of people as your fiancé. Rather than focusing on a number I would focus on who you can't imagine not having by your side.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Rockstar August 2020
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I suggest asking yourself, “Who would I call if my marriage was in real trouble and I needed solid advice?” My siblings and my friends who have carried me through some hard times stood with me. Bear in mind, those who stand with you are to be helping support your lifelong partnership with your new spouse. Hope this helps with your decision ❤️
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag

    Why not have 7? Sides do not need to be even. I would maybe talk to the MOH's ahead of time about them getting along for the sake of the wedding. As others have said chose closer to and someone that you consider your ride or die.

    • Reply
  • MaryEllen
    Expert October 2016
    MaryEllen ·
    • Flag
    I think it is way too early to ask them. Wait until 9-10 months prior to the wedding. Relationships can change in that time period.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    Do not ask anyone before 6-8 months before the wedding. When you do pick them, they should be your nearest and dearest closest people. Not fiance's sisters out of obligation when you have no relationship with them or a friend from high school you have not spoken to in forever or someone who you stood for in their wedding.
    • Reply
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
    • Flag
    I decided to not have any bridesmaids, I couldn't choose between my friends
    • Reply
  • Slrhoshi
    Dedicated March 2022
    Slrhoshi ·
    • Flag
    You don't have to have a maid of honor. Simple. If it might cause problems then don't pick one. Nowhere does it say you must have one. Nor is it stated anywhere the groups have to be even.


    Think on it and come to terms with it later. You have roughly 18 months to figure it out. Ask simply if they wish to be bridesmaids now and if they ask well who's maid of honor tell them a choice has not been made yet and may not have one.
    I won't be having a large bridal party (including me and my FH there will be 7. Two groomsman, 2 bridesmaids, and his daughter/my future stepdaughter) and rather than choosing between my sister and friend neither of them will have the title cause it just silly to choose. No one will remember who was who years from now except you.
    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    I would ask at the one year mark. As others have said relationships change over time and maybe your choice will be clearer.
    Just worth nothing PP said bridesmaid dresses don’t take that long. Mine took 6 months, and that was precovid. One didn’t come in by the due date and arrived just 1 week before the wedding. Thank goodness it didn’t need alterations. So I’d ask at a year just to be safe.
    • Reply
  • SHY
    Master January 2022
    SHY ·
    • Flag

    The sides don't have to be even, so don't stress too much about that!

    I think the co-MOH idea is fine, but if you think they both won't mesh well, or think it won't work with just one being the MOH, then it's probably best that you don't have either as a MOH.

    As for your bridesmaids, you can have as many or as little as you want. Sides don't have to be even! I was in the same boat when it came down to choosing my girls as well though. I had 2 that I've known since elementary school and we still talk from time to time. But I also have a friend that I'm extremely close to and talk to everyday, but we just became friends a little over 2 years ago. I ended up choosing the girl I talk to and feel the closest to, which is the one that I've known the least amount of time. Just because you've known someone longer than another person, doesn't mean you're obligated to have them in your bridal party! So it's totally fine if you feel like the one you talk to the most deserves to be in your party.

    Another thing that helped me was thinking into the future, and how I would feel looking back on pictures, or thinking about who would still be in my life 10-20 years from now. Choose those that you're closest to, and could see yourself coming to for anything if you needed help/advice!

    • Reply
  • C
    Master January 2019
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    Oh also the one out of state might not be able to travel, so then you could ask both that you are trying to choose between.
    • Reply
  • KYLIE
    Super May 2019
    KYLIE ·
    • Flag
    Like others recommend, I would wait. Work friendships especially have a tendency to feel really strong and intense and fade when jobs change.


    If you know those two girls would not get along as co-MOH, I would not put them in that position. Fair or not, it would be stressful for all of you and have the potential to ruin some of your events. Pick one or neither.
    • Reply
  • Brianna
    Dedicated September 2023
    Brianna ·
    • Flag

    If both girls are so close that you're considering them to be your maids of honor, then they should value you, your friendship, and your big day enough to put aside their differences and support you. If you think they'd really be going at each others throats for the entire process, then I'd pick just one or go with someone else entirely tbh.

    • Reply
  • Laura
    Dedicated September 2022
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    I’m in the exact same dilemma as you! Ugh. I haven’t asked anyone yet, but I do have 2 best friends who I wanted to share the MOH role (one of assumed when I got engaged she would be my only MOH but I never officially asked her). I brought that up to her that I was thinking of a maid of honor and matron of honor— and she said “uhm no it doesn’t work that way” lol. She’s not the biggest fan of my other best friend. I also really worry about not adding other friends/family/future in-laws and causing hurt feelings that way. The simple thought of choosing a bridal party has caused me so much anxiety (I literally lose sleep over it— I can’t rank my friends and I don’t want to hurt ANYONE’S feelings) that it’s taken away from the main focus of the whole day—my fiancé and I, and I can’t enjoy my engagement.


    So we decided to fore-go a wedding party all together to get that heavy stress off my chest. I haven’t told anyone yet (as I’m also planning for a Fall 2022 wedding) but I’m hoping once I do I will feel a sense of relief. Hopefully they will have a sense of relief as well (as sometimes it’s a lot of pressure to be in a wedding party depending on expectations, and a lot of money). Now hopefully they will be able to enjoy the day with us.
    I feel like my friends are all special to me. They all fit differently in my life and add meaning to it— and they all know where they stand. I shouldn’t have to give them a title/rank them to express it.
    If you decide to not have anyone, give your good friends a special role. Have them do a speech or sign as a witness. Have them hold your bouquet, fluff your dress, get ready with you ect.... Just remember the day is about you and your fiancé, and your friends also need to remember that as well.
    • Reply
  • Cassidy
    VIP October 2017
    Cassidy ·
    • Flag
    It is not a big deal! Don’t stress yourself out about having only 6. My husband had 4 groomsmen and I had 3 bridesmaids. It looks okay! I promise! Also I think the MOH thing gets taken too seriously and it definitely hurts someone’s feelings if they aren’t it. You don’t need a MOH and all bms are the same!
    • Reply

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