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Dedicated September 2023

Answering Questions from Friends Not Invited

Anna, on February 17, 2023 at 9:17 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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This evening I will be seeing a big group of friends from college (for reference I am 26). A chunk of them are invited to the wedding (they know bc they were invited to the Bach but I haven’t sent save the dates yet so I don’t think they actually know the wedding date! I know I’m behind on that…) but a bunch of the people there are in that weird B-C list category, but some are also close enough that my mom was even surprised they weren’t on the list.
Thing is that we are trying to keep the wedding small but now the invite list has grown to 90 (we all know how that goes with family) so idk if I can even say I’m having a small wedding anymore.

Obviously out of curtesy I will not be bringing up wedding stuff around anyone not invited, but I’m sure some of the friends who aren’t invited will ask questions (whether they assume they are invited or not. It will all be with good intentions I’m sure). I don’t want to raise false hope that they are invited, but also don’t know how to answer questions in a way that indicates they aren’t invited without making them feel bad.If they flat out ask me I can be kind with the truth but what about people who ask questions assuming they’ll be there? Or what if they say “I can’t wait to see you in your dress!” Etc etc.
Help I’m socially awkward enough without this extra stress!

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6 Comments

Latest activity by Bird, on February 18, 2023 at 12:53 AM

Dedicated July 2023
Brittany · on February 17, 2023 at 10:45 AM
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For the "Am I invited?" be honest and say you're keeping it small. Small is a case by case thing. Small for me is 20. Because my family is small. Small for you could easily be 90 if you both have large families. It's really no one's business. It's also not all about the desire for a small wedding, some people do it for budget reasons and I think it would be rude for someone to argue with you about being invited when they don't know financials.
For the people who ask questions assuming they'll be there, I would just answer the questions honestly. For the "I can't wait to see you in your dress" I would say "awww thank you!!"....they will see the dress...on social media lol
I think less is more in this situation. The less you say about the wedding, the safer you are to not hurt any feelings.
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Dedicated September 2023
Anna · on February 17, 2023 at 10:58 AM
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Thank you for the advice!

At a baby shower last weekend a friendly acquaintance had asked me when the wedding was and I said we were doing something small on September 30th. The answer sounds much better in writing haha but I felt that I handled it a bit awkwardly. Although maybe I’m overthinking it (as I tend to do lol).
Should I feel the need to say anything about the size if they just ask about the date? In my head I thought that was a tactful way of hinting but I don’t know anymore. I’ve just been way too in my head anytime someone asks anything (unless they and everyone around are invited).
We’re limiting guest count because we don’t want anything too big and also for financial reasons. Our venue could hold 120 but we don’t want more than 90 at the most. Original plan was 50 but that ended up not being practical for us.
Thank you for the suggestions! I’ll definitely try opt for giving as little info as possible. And keep in mind that just saying “thank you!” Can be a fine answer Haha
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Super May 2022
Erin · on February 17, 2023 at 11:18 AM
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Don’t feel the need to disclose numbers. That will probably backfire and people will start to think of ways they can “fix” that number problem (“oh if you get declines, could I come?”). I learned while being engaged and planning that keeping details Private was the best way to not “hurt feelings” or make people question things. The less information they have, the less assumptions and accusations (though they shouldn’t) people will make against you guys. I definitely understand it being hard trying to balance budget, size, how much me and my husband were comfortable with, rude people butting in, etc. In the end, vagueness helped a lot. When a polite truthful answer was needed for a direct question, it was given, but otherwise there wasn’t a need for us to explain ourselves.
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Dedicated July 2023
Brittany · on February 17, 2023 at 11:52 AM
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You could be overthinking it lol I do that too so I get it. If they just ask the date, as Erin said, give the date and nothing more. Nothing more than you have to. Don't feel like you have to overexplain yourself or validate your choices to anyone. I'm guilty of it too. When people ask I always say "we're doing something small in July...blahblahblah" but I really don't have to. I've been trying to remember this myself. I get wanting to spare hurt feelings but your wedding choices are highly personal, the only ones who need to understand are you and FH
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Super September 2023
Kimberly · on February 17, 2023 at 2:27 PM
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I definitely wouldn’t feel bad about responding with just the date (if that’s what’s asked). And of course that’s the most common question. I basically found out I wasn’t invited to a friend’s wedding that way, and like others said, it’s no big deal because that decision is so personal to the couple. I was actually at a friend’s wedding and was talking to a mutual friend who had recently gotten engaged. I asked her if they had a date yet, and when she said something five months out, I just quietly assumed I hadn’t made the cut. No hurt feelings, and it wasn’t awkward at all!
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Super June 2021
Bird · on February 18, 2023 at 12:53 AM
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I once assumed I would be invited to a friend’s wedding. I was saying goodbye to a group of friends and I implied that the next time I would see them was the wedding. When they didn’t respond or react, I realized I had assumed I would be invited, and then I realized that I was most likely not going to be invited. It happens! It’s up to your friends to be mature about it. If they’re not, that’s not on you!
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