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Master July 2019

Am i Wrong

Veronica, on June 8, 2020 at 1:43 AM Posted in Married Life 0 33
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My husband and I have been trying for almost a year to have a baby, but so far it hasn't been successful. My doctor had me take ovulation pills and we are supposed to have sex every other day. On the day we were supposed to my husband decided instead to stay up to midnight then came to bed and went right to asleep. I was already asleep, but he could have woken me up. I'm rather upset because he's been the one that's wanted a baby so badly, but he thinks I'm overreacting for being upset. Do you think I'm wrong for being angry?

33 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on June 12, 2020 at 4:28 AM
  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle Online ·
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    I don’t think you’re wrong but I also don’t think he is either. It just sounds like you guys were both tired and as much as you want a baby there are some days that perhaps you guys just need some rest ya know?
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I guess I just feel like he knows that the doctor told us we what we needed to do, but he decided to ignore it. I told him around 10:30 I was going to bed and he said he would be in in a few. I woke up to use the bathroom around 1 and he heard me get up and wondered why I was upset. So when the doctor asks if he followed his directions then the answer is no. If we want to have a baby we need to follow the doctor's directions. I've been doing everything the doctor has said and I feel like now it's been for nothing.
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  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    So, DH and I have also been trying for a baby.

    Your feelings are your feelings, but I think you need to talk to your DH about this. Is he just tired and stressed out about it right now? Is it beginning to feel like a chore?

    There might be a lot going on in his mind right now, and it's not that he wants a baby, just that he's kind of feeling everything all at once.

    When you make having sex only about getting pregnant, it can really take the intimacy out of it.

    Maybe sit down and just talk a bit? Sometimes, DH and I just skipped a day, because we weren't feeling it.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    This is only the second month where we have really been in any type of schedule. I think part of the reason I'm so angry is because he is the one that pushed for trying to have a baby. I didn't want to until about a year after we were married, but he said there was no way he wanted to wait that long. I have PCOS so it is extremely important that we follow what our doctor recommends otherwise taking these ovulation pills are pointless. I've had to change my diet, exercise more, take new medications and everything else so I really didn't think it was too much to ask for us to have sex every other day for seven days once a month.
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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    Maybe it was an accident. I have done that before when I fully intended to stay up with my husband then accidentally fell asleep. I’d just talk to him about it and explain that what he did bothered you. I also have PCOS and cant conceive naturally so I totally feel your pain with this
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    It wasn't an accident. He knew we needed to have sex but decided to continue playing videogames until midnight. I was in bed an hour and half before him. At about eleven I was still awake so I went into the second bedroom where he was playing games and asked him to come to bed, but he said he would be in soon. At midnight when he came to bed, it woke me up. I asked to have sex and told me to go back to sleep. Then at one I woke up needing to use the bathroom. I came back to bed which woke him. He acted like he had no idea why I was upset. I told him and he acted like it was no big deal then got mad at me because I wouldn't just get over it. He stormed out of our bedroom and is now sleeping in the second bedroom and I haven't been able to fall back to sleep. I feel like I've tried so hard to follow everything the doctor has suggested only for my husband to throw it out thr window because he would rather play videogames.
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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    That’s pretty immature on his part, especially since having a baby you’ll have to communicate with each other really well. It sounds like you have to try to have a serious conversation about him and ask what’s wrong. Could be as simple as he feels like its become a chore but even so he should be communicating that to you
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I don't know what is problem is. He has wanted to have a baby since we basically started dating (4 four years now), but I wanted to wait. Now that it's come to actually needing to work to have a baby, he doesn't seem to want to put in the work. Instead he wants to be a jerk and storm off because I wouldn't just get off the fact that he isn't participating in trying to have a baby. I can't exactly do it on my own and if he doesn't want to follow the doctor's orders there's really no point to me even seeing the doctor, dieting, exercising more, and taking medications.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Sex is not something you can hold someone to an absolute schedule on, come here at a certain time and perform whether you feel like it or not. A doctor can recommend you not have sex too frequently, and that you make sure to do it at least once during your ovulation time. But if you try to set an exact schedule, you better have him bank and store a bunch that you can use solo whenever you have it scheduled. "Perform on demand" will destroy the connection of loving, and desire, and make it a mechanical thing he has to do to you. It makes him into a performing sex object. You do not want to get pregnant and lose your marriage in the process. I suggest you seek out counselling on this before it causes serious discord.
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Because I have PCOS my chances of getting pregnant are lower so my doctor put me on medication to make me ovulate. In order to increase our chances, we have to have sex more often otherwise it will be extremely difficult for us to have a baby. Obviously my husband's priority was playing videogames so if he wants to put that before having a baby that's fine, but if we aren't going to try to have a baby then there is really no point me being on these medications.
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  • Courtney
    Super September 2019
    Courtney ·
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    Your feelings are your feelings so they aren’t “wrong”. I do understand the feeling that he put video games ahead of you and trying for a family but that probably wasn’t his intention. He could have needed a break from trying and needed some personal time to just be alone. You’re obviously making a ton of changes to increase your chances of conceiving. You both are making changes to how to approach, plan and probably feel about intimacy - which should be appreciated and acknowledged too. It sounds like stress is a bit high so I would give it some time and then have a conversation about how you feel and ask him how he feels about the changes you guys are making as a couple.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I understand that ( a nurse). But when you set a long term goal in your head, we want a baby, and want to maximize our chances of getting pregnant, that does not mean each and every time it comes up on the schedule, you want to do it. And when you just don't feel like it, now, for many men, means they CAN'T.
    Think of it in reverse. Your mind is on a work project, or the gas you are getting from broccoli and cucumbers at dinner, or you have a headache, or you worry about money and jobs, or a day spent doing nothing because you just are in a mood. And hubby walks in, I brought you flowers, lets hit the sheets ... you love him, you like making love in general, you know in 2 days he is going away for weeks for work ... but you just don't want to. Just keep your distance, I'm not in the mood. Can you turn into miss sexpot on command?
    Guys know, if I try when I really really just don't want to be close at hall, want to be by myself, and have no desire for sex, they likely won't be able to get it up and do the deed. Which is humiliating to most, or at least upsetting. Now, with him, you are not just saying, maybe tomorrow. So you will get a chance then, and maybe a day or two after. You are upset and angry. Which makes him less likely to want to do it tomorrow. Because it will build up a resentment from him. Agreeing with a general goal, and going along with it for the most part, does not mean sex on demand is going to happen on an every 48 hour schedule. Every time. Or he is bad. It means mostly it will, but sometimes, No. But getting angry, and blowing any chance of his feeling like it tomorrow, because your attitude of holding him accountable for sex , always an irritating thing for any M or F, sours things, won't help. If anything, it might make him blow it off for 3 days, because mood is everything with sex. Counterproductive. No, you never ( even when TTC) have a right to be angry because your partner won't perform each and every time you want it. He is not a mechanical sperm injection machine. He is a person. His feelings, and moods, need to be taken into account. And counselling from people who work with those TTC may help you understand the emotional pitfalls of sex on demand. How to avoid getting angry with each other, and undermining the whole thing, and making it more likely your relationship will fail. Also, the meds you take to increase ovulation, in some cases make it more likely you will be irritable, and flash to anger, over things you would usually shrug off. So working out with a counselor, can be just you, ways of dealing with a schedule, redoing the scedule for times either of you is not in the mood, can be helpful. For your short term goal, conceiving. But also, remember, when you succeed, you will be pregnant. You may throw up or just feel ill for months. Hormones nuts . When you want him, he is not there. When you are tired, ache, and had a bad day at week, and he is upset you two have not had sex for 1-4 months at a time, how rejected will he feel . I mean, they say pregnant women can. But when you get right down to it, when either partner does not feel like it, short of a use of force, nothing is going to happen. When you are awkward and feel ugly and have to pee every minute and a half, and feel like laying around and looking at baby stuff, does he have a right to be angry? And the first year, when you will be perpetually exhausted, and variably sexy, or maybe too depressed for half a year, what then? How angry and rejected will he feel, even though he long term agrees, you are going through something difficult and should not be harrassed for sex? His libido hasn't taken an 18 month vacation. ....... TTC and pregnancy and first year can be a roller coaster. And sometimes talking it through early on not just together, but with someone who knows, can may a different. Support, understanding. And some successful strategies for handling the feelings. I wish you well. It is hard.
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  • Rea
    Devoted November 2017
    Rea ·
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    Everything Judith said.
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Expert December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    My heart goes out to you OP. I haven’t any children yet (we aren’t ready yet so won’t be in our plans for a few more years) but I hear you and I hope your prayers are answered soon enough.


    In response to your post, I don’t necessarily think your husband has intended to hurt you or not conceive a baby. It sounds more to me that he just wanted a night of doing as he pleased where he didn’t have to follow a schedule. As others have said, having a sex schedule can really take the fun and passion out of things and be rather de-motivating and tiring depending on your libido.
    Given you’ve said he really wants to have children, I don’t think there was any malicious intent in his actions and I don’t think one night of straying from the doctors orders necessarily mean that all is over. There might be more at play here. Have you considered his feelings? You’re hurt because he didn’t come to bed as per the schedule to try conceive a baby, but it doesn’t sound to me like you’ve given thought to the possibility that he is feeling down and deflated (he could even be feeling like ‘a failure’ because you guys haven’t been able to conceive yet) or even that he’s lost all mojo now that there’s a sex schedule in place.
    You both have feelings on the matter and both are valid. Perhaps instead of lamenting on his wrongdoing and blaming and shaming, shift your focus on building a strong unit of trust and support in one another as you navigate the road to pregnancy and parenthood. Don’t be entirely surprised if this happens again either - you are both human!
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  • Meghan
    Rockstar October 2019
    Meghan ·
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    100% this!

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    I guess I only really feel like I'm the one making changes. Over the past 11 months, I haven't been able to have a period. I didn't know why. This month is the first time I have gotten it on my own so it was really important for us to try to conceive. Nothing has really changed for him. He hasn't had to change his diet, exercising, or what medications he takes. I had told him the doctor's recommendation and at the time he said he wanted to have sex more to increase our chances he more so the fact that he completely blew it off is really hurtful.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    We haven't been able to conceive yet because for the longest time I wasn't having a period so that has nothing to do with him. This month was the first time I had a period in 11 months so really it was the first time we would be trying knowing there is any type of chance. I guess I didn't think it was too much of me to ask to have sex 3 or 4 times over a week.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    This is the first month I have had a period on my own so in my mind it's really the first month that we would be able to conceive. The month period my doctor had to give me medication to get my period then ovulation pills. In my mind, if you he wants to have a baby like he has been saying for the past four years then we have to have sex in order to do so. I didn't want to try to conceive until July (one year after we had been married), but he fought me on that until I just agreed. I guess another part of the reason I am so upset is because he stormed out of room all because I didn't get over being upset within 30 seconds. He didn't even want to talk to me about the matter.

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  • Hannah
    Rockstar July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I think that right there is the bigger issue. It seems like he's pushed hard for this and you are the one making all the changes. I would sit down and talk to him about how that is making you feel. Also, things like diet and exercise can impact a man's virility as well, so in reality you both can do some of these things together to a. improve conception chances and b. solidarity.
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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    He wanted a baby long before we were married, but I didn't want a baby until after we got married. I told him prior to getting married that I wanted to wait at least a year, but he was so upset because in his mind when we got married we would immediately start trying to have a child. All of his friends and family kept trying to tell him to enjoy being married first then try to conceive, but he ignored them. So even though it wasn't my idea, I went off birth control right before the wedding because I knew how important it was to him to have a baby. I have been trying to remain positive for the past 11 months, but it is exhausting and I don't really feel like he understands. He hasn't had to go to the doctor's and have ultrasounds and blood work (which I absolutely hate). He hasn't felt like a failure every month because his body isn't working properly. While he has been here with me, he isn't the one that has felt like less of a woman because her body isn't doing what is natural so when all I wanted was to have sex with him so we could try to conceive and he would rather play video games that's really difficult for me to understand when he is the one that pushed for conceiving in the first place. And what's even more confusing is he is the one that said less than two weeks ago that he thought we should have sex even more than once every other day because he wanted to increase our chances.

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