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Am i wrong to not give a wedding gift?

Patricia, on April 24, 2023 at 4:37 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 12

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I am attending a small destination wedding, apx 20 people this fall; 2500 miles from where we all live. The couple chose an upscale restaurant for their reception and are having guests pay for their own dinner, as well as not hosting a rehearsal dinner after the rehearsal. They have also asked guests to spend the following day celebrating with them by going to a handful of different places they choose, all which of course cost money to go too. To add they have asked us to stay in a sepcific area of town that is over an hour drive from the venue, which we will have to drive to for both the rehearsal and wedding. I never saw myself in a situation to be debating a wedding gift, but with the travel there (car, hotel, flight) and paying for everything they want to do while there, the costs keep adding. I want to be there to celebrate my friend, but I'm beginning to get upset by all the asks well receiving nothing as simple as burgers and dogs from the couple as a thank you; seriously I'm simple to please but some appreciation for us all attending your destination wedding weekend would be nice. How bad would I look to not get them a gift?

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Britney, on May 2, 2023 at 2:16 PM

Super May 2022
Erin · on April 24, 2023 at 4:51 PM
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Oh my. They are asking way too much of guests and it is rude for them to make you pay for your own reception dinner. I wouldn’t give a gift either.

Technically giving a gift is not required according traditional etiquette, even for non-destination weddings, so you wouldn’t be “in the wrong”.
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Master October 2023
Cece · on April 24, 2023 at 5:04 PM
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No gift! This couple is BEYOND rude! Destination weddings should host guests at an even higher level than usual… these people aren’t even doing the minimum expected for a local wedding! Personally, I wouldn’t even attend.
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Super September 2023
Kimberly · on April 24, 2023 at 5:16 PM
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I agree with Cece. I would decline the invitation as this is beyond rude. You’re not required to bring a gift even for local weddings, but for destination weddings there’s an even lower expectation of bringing a gift because they’re thought of as being more expensive and more work for the guests to attend. But especially here where this couple isn’t even doing anything to appreciate their guests, you shouldn’t feel guilty at all for not bringing a gift. Even if you go, if all these extra activities are adding up, then I wouldn’t hesitate to decline to participate in those activities either. Frankly I’d be surprised if anyone outside their immediate family ends up attending.
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Super December 2022
LM · on April 24, 2023 at 5:48 PM
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I would decline all of that. This is not a wedding but a poorly thought out, narcissistic friend weekend with no options. Why won't they allow you to choose where to sleep like a grown-up? Decline with a congratulations note. No gift.
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Legend July 2022
Lisa · on April 24, 2023 at 7:06 PM
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I agree with the previous comments. At minimum, this couple should be covering the cost of dinner at the reception. The reception is supposed to be a thank you to the guests for attending the wedding, and guests should never have to open their wallets for anything at the reception. They also shouldn't be requesting that guests stay anywhere specific - they can certainly suggest places to stay, but it shouldn't be a requirement. If they're making the day-after event a requirement, they should also be covering the cost for that. I would probably decline the invitation.
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CM · on April 24, 2023 at 7:20 PM
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While gifts aren't obligatory, they are common to the point that I would not typically attend a wedding before I wouldn't give a gift. To me, the other expenses of attending a wedding are more related to the ability to attend at all. In this case, the couple is beyond rude to ask you to essentially subsidize the the costs of their destination wedding. I wouldn't attend at all, but if you do, I certainly wouldn't worry about a gift.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on April 24, 2023 at 9:29 PM
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Decline the invitation and do not send any gift. Gifts are always optional, contrary to popular belief, and if anyone says no gift makes you look bad, they are wrong for making the incorrect judgment, and you did nothing wrong.

Everything you are describing is a major faux pas and you would not be a guest because hosts cover food and beverage expenses, regardless of how simple it is. If they are unwilling or unable to afford basic cake and coffee, that you do not ever subsidize, they need to elope and not invite any guests. If you do send a gift, send them an etiquette book and nothing else.
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Expert May 2010
Theresa · on April 24, 2023 at 10:01 PM
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I would say, if this is a location you'd like to visit, and you wouldn't mind making a vacation of it, then attend but don't give a gift to the couple. I'd say you'll be spending more than enough for them just by attending!
If it's not somewhere you'd like to see or visit, decline the invitation and send a gift to the couple. Even if you've already RSVP'd, it's early enough to rescind your acceptance. That is an awful lot of money to spend on people who do not take their guests into consideration. Paying for your own reception dinner? Paying to escort them about the town? These two sound like a little too much!
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VIP June 2019
Hanna · on April 24, 2023 at 10:37 PM
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Holy moly! I would definitely rescind your RSVP. For all the reasons listed above by PPs. No explanation needed.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on April 25, 2023 at 2:33 AM
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So they're asking you to attend their inconvenient wedding then contribute to their "reception" by paying your own way? Hard no. All of that is rude.
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Super December 2022
LM · on April 25, 2023 at 7:52 AM
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Agree with Michelle, they should have eloped if they can't afford basic refreshments as a thank you for 20 guests. Some couples think they are being "alternative" but destination weddings require more hosting and graciousness because they are asking a financial burden of their guests. Anyone who guilts you into a bad idea for the sake of friendship is a selfish friend.
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Just Said Yes August 2023
Britney · on May 2, 2023 at 2:16 PM
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Oof. usually I personally feel not giving a gift is tacky but in this case your company alone is more than the cost of a gift. If you feel obligated to gift then throw your friend a small party when they return and save yourself the hassle of attending this needy wedding. I'm a little offended for you that you can't even stay where you want if you're paying for everything.
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