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Just Said Yes December 2025

Am i wrong for not wanting to invite fiances sibling?

PTA, on January 14, 2025 at 5:00 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8

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I'm looking for an outside perspective on this situation. I absolutely adore everyone in my fiances family with the exception of one sibling. I've only met them once, and it ended up being one of the worst experiences in our whole relationship. They claimed they were broke but wanted to come see us and join us in some activities, so my fiance paid for their travel and I paid for some of their tickets to activities we wanted to do, having never met this sibling before but just wanting to make a good impression. Well not only did they not say thank you for any of this, they criticized literally everything and made negative comments all day, then dropped $$$ at a gift shop despite being "broke." They were also extremely rude to me, made no effort to get to know me and instead every time I tried to walk next to my fiance or hold his hand they would literally physically push themselves between us and try to pull fiance off by himself to look at stuff. So I ended up mostly walking around by myself all day at the place I had bought everyone tickets to so we could enjoy it together. It sucked.

I talked to my fiance about this and he acknowledged my feelings. But also made a lot of excuses for sibling. Basically he explained that this is just the family dynamic with this sibling, that he acts this way because he's terminally single and lonely and unaware of social cues and norms because of their ADHD. I disagree, this sibling is 40 years old and I don't think this kind of behavior was accidental.
Since then, this is also the only family member that's made no further effort to get to know me. They're the only one who hasn't added me on social media or asked to exchange numbers. They're the only one who didn't congratulate us on our engagement. They didn't even "like" the relationship update on Facebook. All signs point to they don't support our relationship. They're the middle child and fiance is younger, I think there might be some resentment that he's getting married first.
Now comes the wedding planning. We just want a small wedding with only the very closest friends and family who have always been there for us and will be happy to celebrate our relationship with us.
Initially fiance wanted to invite this sibling because "they're family." But I have toxic relatives including siblings that I'm not inviting because we agreed that we're having a small wedding so we can specifically only include people who will be nice and are supportive/positive people in our lives. Originally when he brought it up, I expressed my concerns about having a repeat of this behavior on our wedding day, and we started making plans for who can babysit sibling to make sure they behave, and who we can have escort them out if they have a tantrum.
Eventually I was just like, why are we doing this? And instead asked my fiance if we can just not invite this person. He eventually agreed we can just not invite him.
But then I've been reading things online (I know I know) that make me wonder if I was wrong to even ask to exclude this person?

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8 Comments

Latest activity by Kaitlin, on January 22, 2025 at 11:33 AM

Champion July 2019
Veronica · on January 14, 2025 at 3:03 PM
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I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but I disagree with your reasonings for not inviting him. One example was because he didn't want your phone number. I don't see why that's a big deal. It's not like you are besties and going to be talking on the phone all the time. I don't have one of my BIL's number, but that doesn't mean I hate him or anything. We just aren't close that we would need to talk on the phone or text. It also doesn't mean I don't support his relationship with my sister just because we don't have each other's numbers. As for liking your status change on socials not everyone is super big into social media. If he was doing something actively not support your relationship such as badmouthing you, calling you names, telling his brother not to be with you, etc. then I could see why feel he doesn't like you or support your relationship, but based on what you've described here I don't think it justifies uninviting him to his brother's wedding. I also don't think it's your decision. It should be up to your fiancé if he wants his brother at his wedding.
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Just Said Yes December 2025
PTA · on January 14, 2025 at 3:32 PM
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Sorry maybe I wasn't clear, those things are just little things to me/my failed attempts to open lines of communication and give him another chance, and not my main reasons.
When I say he made negative comments the entire day on the only occasion I've ever talked to him I mean specifically:
He made rude/snide comments to me about fiance when fiance was in the bathroom
He made rude/snide comments to us about my child
He made rude/snide comments about me
He made rude comments about literally everything we did all day
He expected us to pay for him all day, didn't say thank you, and wasn't too broke to blow a bunch of money on useless trinkets for himself
He also literally physically got between me and my fiance anytime we got close or held hands, wouldn't let us sit next to each other, made several comments about fun things they can do together as single guys.
Instead of giving me any assurances that this was just a one off or this behavior will cease now that we're getting married and obviously very serious about each other - the best my fiance could do was offer up another relative to babysit this grown man and escort him out if he can't control this behavior.
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Master October 2023
Michael · on January 14, 2025 at 4:19 PM
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It seems best to consider the family dynamics and how situations will be if you celebrate Christmas with your fiancé's family. Also, how will his parents see this lack of invitation? It may be best to invite the sibling. The relationship may get better with time. Just remember not to spend money on that person when you don't need to. The only critical time to not invite the sibling is if a predictable interference of the marriage is likely. Let your fiancé figure this out since he is aware of the issues at hand.
Edited in: Maybe someone can reply with experience of having invited a sibling like this -- or of not having invited a sibling. The harshest is when one's siblings are totally against marriage. Just remember that people on the autism scale (or ADHD?) do not always manage their social skills.
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Just Said Yes December 2025
PTA · on January 14, 2025 at 4:45 PM
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This is a good point. He did tell me he's okay with not inviting him. But I don't think either of us have considered how his parents will view that. So that's a discussion to be had! I'm just trying to make sure I'm navigating this in the best ways possible.

As far as other celebrations I have communicated my stance - if it's something we're celebrating with his family like Christmas or someone else's wedding, baby shower etc. I understand BIL will be there and I will be polite and just let whatever crap comes out of his mouth roll off. I won't tolerate comments about my child in those settings and will politely correct that behavior, but I'm not going to rock the boat. But when it comes to things that are all about us/our family unit, I would prefer the brother not be included because he's simply not nice to us. I'm trying to wrap my mind around how we can even have a wedding with someone who will physically insert himself between us. Like is he going to jump in when we go for the kiss? Is he going to insert himself into the first dance? Is he going to try and sit between us? I'm stressed out just trying to figure out how the only behavior I've had the chance to see from him would look at our wedding. And yes, he is expecting us to pay for his flight and hotel, we can't afford it, and aren't doing that for anyone else. If we invite him fiance is going to feel obligated to pay.
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Master October 2023
Michael · on January 14, 2025 at 5:05 PM
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See if the parents will pay if needed. Maybe they can help watch over that sibling. Too bad I don't remember any follow through by the bride who said her sisters and mom were all against marriage.
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Beginner October 2025
Gore · on January 15, 2025 at 12:23 AM
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I don't think you're wrong in your feelings, but it may be the wrong move in the long run.
This is going to be your family, too. Is your fiance going to be upset 10 years on when his brother is not in his wedding photos? It sounds like their relationship is still amicable. Will their parents and other family members take issue with him being excluded? A lot of the time, people on the spectrum aren't totally aware that what they're doing or saying is being perceived as rude. It's probably not accidental, no, but he may not see the issue, either, if he's not being made aware.
I get it, I do. My brother and I do not like each other. I don't like his wife. They're supposedly broke, too. I'm sure when they get our invitation, they'll be planning a whole vacation on my dime. Doesn't mean they're going to get it. The thing is, I did my part to fill in the "happy family" picture our parents want. I showed up for their wedding (and paid out the ass to do it), and I'll send them a pretty piece of paper that says we request their presence. It's not going to be me that our parents will be upset with when he doesn't show, or when they have to find money to pay for him. And if he does weasel them into paying, he's going to be sitting by the bathroom door at a table with our cousin who won't shut up about crypto.
As much as people go scorched earth these days, I think there's still something to be said for being the bigger person. For trying. Or at least maintaining the appearance of those things.
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Rosebud · on January 15, 2025 at 7:25 PM
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Here's the thing it's your fiance's sibling if he wants to maintain any kind of relationship with him I d invite him but your fiance should tell him this is my wife and while you don't need to be friends you do need to respect her and our relationship. Not inviting him could impact many family relationships. I think it can be dangerous to tell someone not to invite a sibling as this can breed resentment down the line. If your fiance decides on his own he doesn't want that person there that fine but let it be his choice. Family dynamic s can be tricky all you can control is your own actions and reactions be kind if the other person chooses not to be that reflects poorly on them Congrats on the wedding and best wishes!
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Beginner December 2025
Kaitlin · on January 22, 2025 at 11:33 AM
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I totally get your point of view, I'd feel the same. I do echo others concerns though about adding strife into your new marriage. I know he said he's okay with not inviting him, but is he truly okay and thinks its a good idea, or is he okay in the sense that he values you more (of course he should!) and just doesn't want this conflict with you?
My move would be to invite his family to a dinner together, sibling included. I'm not sure how feasible this would be, but it solves a few issues:
1. You can see if sibling will behave more responsibly in a more "formal" setting like a sit down dinner. Your previous interactions were in a more casual venue (still doesn't excuse his behavior) but maybe he puts a bit more care into his actions in a different setting.
2. You can see if sibling will behave around his parents. if so, it's likely he'll behave at the wedding too when surrounded by the social pressure of friends and family.
3. If he doesn't behave appropriately, you can use it as justification later if your fiancé's parents question you on not inviting him.
Ultimately, it's your wedding, but also keep in mind that inviting him doesnt mean he has to be your best friend. Invite him, ignore him, let him embarrass himself if he really wants to, and focus on your husband.
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