Martha
Devoted February 2024

Am i overthinking too soon?

Martha, on September 2, 2020 at 11:36 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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FH and I currently rent a 4 br apt, we are looking to rent a 4 br home next year for about 3 years while we continue to save up for a down-payment and our wedding. Due to Corona his siblings came to live with us his sister 23 and brother 21, a few months passed and brother didn't want to live with us anymore and went back home to Chicago with his parents. His sister is still with us trying to find a job, we do have our own business and whenever needed she helps on it so we do give her $ for it.

FH wants eventually to bring his parents into our home and have his dad retire and help with the business. I have no problem with that as we can eventually have him mom take care of the kids, shes beyond excited and has been asking for grandkids forever. Where I may be over thinking is that even getting a minimum 4 br home, will only give us a room for FH and I, one for his folks, and his siblings who I don't see moving out for some year in the other two rooms, leaves no room for children. I am 28 at this time and FH is 33/34, getting our own home in 3 years or so I'll be in my 30s and will want to get the kids rolling before I'm "mature". I do have some health problems that will (a) make it hard to get pregnant, (b) make it a risky pregnancy, (c) this disease will progress the longer I wait I don't want to be less of a mom to my kids. But since I don't see his siblings moving out and moving on to begin their own life for longer than 5 years, I don't like having to put our life as a couple on hold.

We have spoken and he says they will eventually move out but he doesn't see my point about me not having enough time to wait on them. His parents come into our home is hand on hand with bringing in their younger kids. Yes I can get pregnant and the baby sleep with me and him for two years or so. Eventually I will have to be the B and kick one of his siblings out of a room. Am I overthinking? I forgot to mention he wants an office space, adding an extra room, adding extra cost. What are your thoughts, your advise, your way of dealing if you were me?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Brittany, on September 2, 2020 at 5:21 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I don’t think you’re over thinking it because space can be an issue and I’m not gonna lie it sounds crowded already even though everyone has their own rooms. I think your worry stems more in those siblings not leaving because if they leave then you’d certainly have room for a children’s bedroom and office
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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    It does sound crowded, I don't know how to phrase it for him to understand. Part of me thinks he wants to buy a huge house, which we can not afford in order to keep everyone happy.

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  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    He’s probably also banking on the siblings leaving by the time you guys do have kids
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  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Hhh ·
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    You are trying to plan ahead for too many variables! I don’t think assuming his siblings, who are very young and unemployed due to a pandemic, will remain in this situation for 5 years (or even 2years!) A lot changes in your career and life as you hit mid to upper 20s, and they are probably going to want some space of their own once it is feasible. Additionally, once you actually have a baby, the associated noise/mess/stuff will motivate them to move. Trying to plan for which home to maybe purchase in 3 years is crazy. Continue to save, rent a home that fits your needs when your lease is up, and don’t worry about accounting for them in your plans as a couple.
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  • A
    Devoted October 2021
    Adrienne ·
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    So I get where you're coming from, I am also an overthinker and what-ifs are my worst enemy. However there isn't really much you can do except communicate with FH with reminders of "just fyi your siblings will have to move out before we can start a family in our new house", but you can't really push anything because who knows, maybe they'll move out before you expect. This really only becomes a problem when you get the house and they're all living with you, then you have to put your foot down of "okay, we have our home, I need siblings to move out by xxx so we can start a family".

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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    Why do you want to live with his entire family of origin? If his mother raises your children, what will be your role in this?

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  • Brittany
    Super October 2020
    Brittany ·
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    So this sounds like a lot but I get it. We are moving into a five-bedroom house about 7 months after the wedding so it's a lot of stress and a lot of thinking about the possibilities. I have my mom, two roommates (can't live by themselves that's a whole other story), and his parents that will probably move in, and even though we are not having kids it's going to be crowded and get kind of crazy.

    It sounds like where you are now that it is crowded already and that you may have to kick some people out because you both are wanting kids. I get wanting to have his parents stay with you guys and help raise the kids but having the other kids come too is a little much because they should be starting to go out on their own. The what if's though can cause a lot of trouble and can be a little tricky at times. I think right now what you can do is not to think about that too much and really communicate with FH about it all and rely on your concerns. Life happens and in three years a lot can change. I say for now just breathe and do your best to focus on the wedding planning and doing the down-payment for the house. You never know what you guys may want to move into something bigger or smaller depending on how everything goes. I hope that helps. I know it can be really tiresome to think too far ahead and want to make sure everything goes as planned but life can get messy and things will get better!

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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Rockstar July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    You can get a home with and attic and basement space and place the parents/siblings in the attic and basement. That will free up the bedrooms for an office and children’s bedrooms.
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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    They are a lot of variables and yep getting ahead of me, I guess seeing as FH didnt move out of his folks home until I pushed him has me paranoid. Not only that but his other brother (26 employed with his gf) has moved back into his folks home.,I may be imagining a pattern where there isn't one.

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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    True true you're right, more of a well cross that bridge when we get there.

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  • Leanne
    Super September 2020
    Leanne ·
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    Is multi-generational living typical in your family? I’m a planner too, so I understand looking down the road to family living situation. This situation would not work for us, but if it does for you than that’s great. I think the siblings need to find their own way sooner than later, but just my opinion.
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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    His parents have no savings'retierment saved non resident, Ray and I will work full time as most couples do. He will be taking on the business full time, his dad helping most times. His mom is a housewife and is all she really wants in life other than grandkids. His parents are great folks, hard working and keep to themselves.

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  • Cassandra7
    Super August 2006
    Cassandra7 ·
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    Your mother-in-law wants to be a housewife and raise your children. What is your role as a mother, then?

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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    We are in similar boats, thank you for your advice, I will go ahead and worry less about the ifs that are still far into the future. 2020 should have taught me how much things can change in a few months. I will focus on our saving and our wedding planning. Smiley shame

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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    Seeing as his siblings will not be with us forever they can even share the space, and ultimately it can become a guest bedroom too.

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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    Yes it is very common in our culture. I too wish his siblings found their way sooner than later as well but seeing as we don't have our own house yet I can relax a bit. I'm an over planner and its getting to me Smiley xd

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  • Martha
    Devoted February 2024
    Martha ·
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    I would be their mom, she is essentially their grandmother/baby sitter while we are at work, and FH will work his own hours most of the week and will be around plenty. I have a 8-5, but will work reduced hours to be able to be with my kids and teach them, love them as much as I can. Eventually they'll go to school, and the routines will change. My grandmother raised me and my siblings our mom worked most of the time too, different shifts as life happened, that didn't make my mom any less of a mom. These days most can't be at home and be a stay at home mom/dad, I'm happy FH will for the most part be able to be there when I am at work, his mom will be around to help out as well.

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  • Brittany
    Super October 2020
    Brittany ·
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    I know its easier said than done! I get it! I want to know about all the little in's and out's before they get here and the possible routes that something may take but we can't forget that we are getting married and we are moving into hopefully a bigger space, to enjoy that you know? I know its hard oh man its hard! But you go this!!

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