Am i Overreacting?

Maybe him dragging his feet has to do with his mom. He was into it before she passed and now that he got back into it it may bring unwanted memories of his mom passing? Kind of just guessing here but maybe just show you're always there for him and are willing to help in any way possible.

I went through something similar with my FH - he quit his toxic and overwhelming job to just get out. Then he kind of sat for awhile, and I let him recover for a bit...before I started talking to him about it more seriously. He still hesitated, for a multitude of reasons including his own problems with self esteem and laziness, but I eventually figured out that he wasn't waiting purely out of laziness. My advice is, talk to him about it. If you really want to marry this guy and make it work, you need to be able to voice your concerns and explain to him that you want to know what's up. He might explain that he doesn't want to apply at the moment because he's scared of rejection - that was my FH. He was avoiding the drama and the stress of rejection, as well as that he didn't think he was capable of landing a good job.


Or maybe his current work is stressing him out to the point that he doesn't want to work on applying outside of work. You won't know until you talk to him. Breathe girl. Yes, he might just be lazy, but even with that you should have the free space to voice your concerns. Stewing in silence helps no one - he can't read your mind and has no idea this is giving you anxiety.

Don't Panic!! Think of this as an opportunity to open up a conversation! (easier said than done, I know)

Instead of opening with "hey, quit being lazy and get a job" try by asking some open ended questions in a conversational tone along the lines of "what are you most excited about with this new degree/certificate?" "was the coding course what you expected?" "how do you think a job with coding will be different from what you're doing now?" etc. etc. This is also a good time for you to share how you're feeling about the situation and you worry about your financial security as a couple (and one day, family) in the future or you may feel that's more appropriate for a future follow up conversation.

There could be a million reasons why he's dragging his feet, but here would be some of my best guesses:

1. Is he still working his original job now? Maybe he just got a project he's really excited about, is up for a pay raise, etc. that is either making his current job more enjoyable or more lucrative financially

2. Did he already quit his old job? He may be enjoying having a breather after working full time + taking a demanding coding course. If this is the case, make sure he enjoys the break, but the two of you need to agree on a hard deadline for applications to go out

3. Maybe the coding class wasn't what he expected, or worse...maybe he didn't connect with it at all and now the thought of a coding career is filling him with dread? this is totally OKAY! If this is the case he is probably feeling torn between getting into a career he hates vs. disappointing you + himself and feeling like the class was a waste. He'll be feeling insecure and self conscious and will need you there to reassure him that he can continue in his current IT path and if coding isn't his jam, he doesn't need to force himself into it!

Y'all will be able to find a happy medium and work through this just make sure to talk it out together!

I do think I’d be, like, on alert, but I wouldn’t necessarily take it as a red flag. I think people handle stressful situations differently, and sometimes what we think of as encouraging, other people can take as nagging, and that only makes them delay more. Not a great situation lol. If you’re very worried about it, ask if you can sit in on a few sessions with his life coach to convey your worries and also learn how to beat motivate him in a way that makes sense to him.

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I think this is a lot of what it is for him as well. He did bring up in a conversation that he was afraid that he wasn't good enough to find something new and better. I feel like I've tried to be really encouraging and supportive. Did your fiance get that new job? How did you encourage him?

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This is great advice, thank you.

He is still working his current job. I don't think he hates it, but I also know he doesn't love it and has said that the work just feels really unfulfilling for him.

I was worried as well that maybe the coding class caused some burnout (he was working 40 hours and the classes three times a week on top of that). I've asked if he still wants to pursue a career in it and he says he does.

View Quoted Comment Bingo. Dead on with my FH. He did indeed find a job he loves and is good at!!!! There is a light at the end if the tunnel!! The process of applying will probably suck - my FH was devastated with each rejection - but it. Will. Work. You are going to have to be his sounding board and his positive influence. You are going to tell him he is more than able to get a job he is worthy of, and you will gently push him out the door to job opportunities. I agree with the person who said give him deadlines, and you can also help him prep for interviews and make sure he eats a good meal before each one. It was easier for me to help him prep because I'm also a programmer, but you can look up common questions so he feels prepped.



With tech jobs, he might stub his toes a few times. But if he perseveres, you two communicate, and you keep building each other up he should finally get through the interview process and land a job! If you ever feel down, feel free to ask me for help. Make sure he keeps going, be his support and his rock. Interviewing is tough in any field, and open communication will be your key.

View Quoted Comment Definitely possible. I'd let him have the holidays to recover - I couldn't imagine a coding class on top of a work week that is probably also stressful. Coding is hard. His brain needs a rest.

I went through something similar, I was in a retail management program after graduating from paralegal school. I had been working retail my whole life and was settling for a higher paid job in the program. About 2 months in they stopped the program and didn't offer to hire any of us on. So I felt like a major failure from this. It took me a while to recover and when I did I ended up getting a simpler job just to get back out there. I finally found a job as a legal assistant about a year and half later after being let go. But it took me a long time to restore my confidence, but all in all I took about a 2 month break from working because I wasn't sure what to do and had some major issues with depression from getting let go.

My opinion is you need to talk about it because my FH was without work for almost 6 months making me the bread winner on a teacher's salary. There were times he did things that frustrated me as it prolonged him finding a job. I can say from experience, trying to take care of a household (which became more once we got a dog) when you do not make a lot does cause frustration and on occasion resentment (had one friend that was there at one point and her feelings were the same as mine). I gave him some time to try to figure out what he wanted but there were times he would deny jobs or once he left a job because he let his emotions get the best of him because he felt they were unorganized and it bothered him that he was not using the college degree he got; I understood but at this point we were struggling and I had told him earlier I cant support us only anymore and that I needed him to find something while he looks for the job he wants. I got his perspective but we were at a point he needed to be able to contribute more. Luckily things have turned around but it took me crying and telling him how I felt he was only thinking of himself to get it that he needs to take whatever he could. He had another little job but it paid the bills but not long after he found something and there was less stress and more happiness in our household. Long story short is that it does get old real quick when your SO is dragging and not being financially able to contribute. I would be honest with him and like you said here that you understand him and you want him to find a job he is happy in but ultimately you do not want to be a bad financial situation especially if you are planning on having kids. I have a friend who feels equally frustrated with her husband when he feels that she is the main provider and she is strapped for cash to just feed her family. Obviously be sensitive to his feels and ask what is going on but I think be honest and say that once we are married you want these things but that you both need to be willing to work hard and financially contribute because no matter how much we love the other person, financial struggles can cause tension and stress. This does not mean he needs to strike it rich but you do not want to always financially struggle because that is an added stressor.

I would tell him if he’s not looking for a job by x date the wedding is off. I think it’s a huge red flag for your future.

I feel like I'm the odd one out, but I don't see this as a red flag. He's still working and bringing in money. It's only been three months since the course ended, maybe he feel he's earned a break and wants to stay at his current job where he's comfortable until at least after the holidays. This is a hectic time of year for everyone, I know I sure wouldn't want to be pursuing a career change right now. Or maybe he doesn't want to go that route anymore and likes the job he's at, would that be a deal breaker for you? I would just talk to him about why he hasn't applied yet, I'm sure he has his reasons.

It's only been a few months since he finished the class, the job market is usually pretty bad at the end of the year, and good entry level IT positions are competitive. He's working and contributing financially, making the same amount as you are from what your post says, and as long as that continues I don't think it's fair to be hounding him about applying for other jobs so soon. If you're so concerned about making more money what are you doing to increase your income? Why should the financial burden fall on him?

I honestly don’t understand the issue here at all. He has a job. One where he contributes an equal amount of money to your household as you do. He took a full time course to better himself (and likely exhausted him) and it ended just 3 months ago. Right now we’re in the middle of the holidays where most people aren’t trying to get a new job unless they absolutely have to. You’ve said there isn’t much room for growth where you work. Why aren’t you holding yourself to the same employment standards you seem to be holding him to?

Maybe he can seek like a counselor to discuss his loss.Maybe his mom passing caused him to make a safe space for him. Talk to him about it. Yes i do agree that he does need to seek employment if you two will be married. Its a touchy subject,I do feel your concern however.

Hope this helps.

I don't see this as a red flag. He might have certain feelings about leaving his current job, i definitely struggle with making those decisions. Just continue to be supportive