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Devoted April 2021

Am i just being selfish ???

Kelly, on September 1, 2020 at 10:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16

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Good morning everyone,
Am i the only one feeling this way or am I honestly just being selfish and dumb??
I know that things have been absolutely insane this year but ive been kinda feeling this way even before all of this crap started in the world. I feel like there is a lack of excitement for my fh and i to be getting married. I feel like no one actually cares, no one has really offered any help or anything, no one including our parents has even thrown us an engagement party or has really mentioned anything as far as bridal shower or what not... we got engaged in 2019 before this pandemic. The only thing ive received was everyone’s negative opinions on basically everything. Our bridal party which is already small at this point they all just friggin suck! And tbh i dont want any of them in The wedding anymore but i also feel like that would be rude of me to decide now to not have anyone because the three girls already purchased and physically have their gowns. My fh and i already have jointly agreed to remove one of his groomsmen and havent even discussed a possible replacement so if that is going to be the case our bridal prty would be uneven( not like that matters so much at this point because most of our wishes have been shut down anyway) my father who i am not even close to at all anymore and doesnt even live in the same state as we do made a huge fuss because I originally wasnt going to have him walk me down the isle to avoid confrontation between him and my mother or my mother and i because she is also just psychotic, i then asked him to do it and he was so excited and offered to pay for my dress which is not even expensive at all. He said it over and over and that he would send a check and all these promises( which i already knew would just be broken promises, but ofc trying to be optimistic and give him the benefit of the doubt, i got my hopes up thinking maybe he actually gives a crap about me) he didnt send any money and no longer discusses it and does not even talk to me about the wedding anymore. He never really asks about anything at all involving my life. When he does reach out its to tel me some stupid stuff about people i dont know or to talk about my siblings...
My fh doesnt offer any help with planning nor does he even bring the wedding up at all.
I am at the point now where i am over it, i put a complete End on planning right now. I havent even looked at anything just for fun or for ideas in like almost two months now. Im just tired i have a lot going on medically and what not and im sad really sad about everything these days im not having planning anything and i thought this was supposed to be a really fun time.. and it isnt. I knew it was going to be stressful, but i also thought i would be having fun and have help at the same time.
I dont even know of i made any sense or if i was rambling so I apologize. Am i just being hypersensitive and selfish?

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Rachel, on September 6, 2020 at 4:35 PM

Master November 2022
Chrysta · on September 1, 2020 at 10:13 AM
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Maybe an elopement would be a better idea for you. Then you wouldn’t have to worry about outside sources frustrating you or taking away excitement. You could plan a romantic elopement for just you & your fiancé, exactly the way you want it. And with the money you’ll save by not having a traditional wedding, you can hire an awesome photographer, or book an amazing honeymoon.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on September 1, 2020 at 10:17 AM
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I don't think that you're being dumb, but maybe changing your expectations of the people around you will help you to not be so disappointed.
Not throwing you parties doesn't mean that your family and friends don't care that you're getting married. Maybe they're not the party planning type, maybe they can't afford it, or maybe they just have a lot going on in their own lives.
It's super unfortunate that your dad offered to help with your dress and didn't follow through, but it doesn't sound like this is out of character for him. Unfortunately, you getting married isn't going to make someone any better of a person or a parent. Talk to him about how this makes you feel. Not just the dress, but his general lack of interest in your life. If he doesn't change, I guess that lets you know where your relationship stands.
You also need to have a chat with your FH. You're not marrying yourself and wedding planning should be a joint effort between both parties. Find out why he's not interested in planning. Is it just because event planning isn't really his thing, or is it because he's not into the idea of a big wedding? Either way, compromising and finding a solution is going to be great practice for your marriage.
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Super October 2020
Eri · on September 1, 2020 at 10:40 AM
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Chrysta and Caytlyn have great advice!
Planning a wedding is a unique experience, and since a lot of people only go through it once, we can't all be pros at everything that comes with the territory. You're not being selfish or dumb.
I'm not sure this will make you feel any better, but no one will be as excited about or as invested in your wedding as you are.
We have been engaged since August of 2018. Sure, people congratulated us and periodically asked about the wedding, but that's about it. No one threw us an engagement party, and we didn't expect one.
Even my mom and sister -- who I have extremely close relationships with (my sister is my MOH) -- have barely showed any enthusiasm or interest until the last few months. I actually found out they had a recent conversation where my mom was crying and told my sister that she hoped I knew how excited they were, to which my sister replied, "we should probably tell her." And they did! But that was the first time I heard it.
My FH is great and listens to all of my wedding ramblings and frustrations, and gives me opinions when I ask. But I have done all of the planning. The only thing he's in charge of is his tux and the groomsmen suits -- and we're *finally* going for a consultation appointment today at Men's Warehouse. One thing that might help is giving your FH simple options/choices; when you leave planning discussions more open-ended, they can be very overwhelming and make people shut down. With my FH, I'd give him choices like "do you like X or X better?" Or with more complicated things, like deciding whether or not to cancel our DJ and what we'd do instead, I succinctly stated my main concern and asked, "is this worth $ or not?"
One of my closest friends got engaged a year after we did. Before she got engaged, she didn't really seem that interested in our wedding (and she's a bridesmaid). But afterwards? She was happy to talk wedding stuff because she was now in that world with me.
I will say that in general, I'm the type of person that has low expectations but high standards and doesn't like depending on other people to get something done. So I actually wanted to plan the wedding by myself to make sure things would be done properly (FH and I are paying for the entire wedding ourselves too, so this just made sense) and I wouldn't be disappointed.
Similarly, I chose my MOH and bridesmaids purely to honor our friendships and did not expect them to help with the wedding in any way. I also did not expect any sort of bachelorette party or shower -- and, with COVID, those things were no longer options.
My family, bless their hearts, is also not the most organized. For the few things they offered to help with, several have fallen through; I don't take that as a slight, they're dealing with their own things while the world is on fire, and I appreciate what help they have given me (my mom is buying hand sanitizer bottles, fairy lights, and surprised me by paying for half of my alterations).
Honestly, I think one of the reasons I love these forums so much is that I can talk to other people who are just as interested in wedding planning as I am. Everyone has ups and downs in the process though, and what you're feeling is totally natural.
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Master September 2020
Jessica · on September 1, 2020 at 10:43 AM
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I’m sorry you’re feeling so down! To be honest, I stopped doing any planning for at least four months because I was just over it. My FH will occasionally give me an opinion (much more as we got closer), but in general he was just like “whatever you want.” I think it really just depends on the guy, but the guys I know have had extremely little involvement in planning their weddings. My FH also doesn’t understand why I care so much about all the little details.

As for wedding party and family, I understand. No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are, but I totally understand feeling hurt that they don’t seem to care at all. In the beginning my MOHs were talking about throwing a shower and going to Vegas for a bachelorette (which I told them was too much), but the pandemic hit around the time plans would have started being made and at this point I’m grateful that my MOH and I are going to just go out for dinner and drinks before the wedding. To be honest, asking someone to be in your wedding party doesn’t obligated them to do anything except buy the appropriate suit and stand by your side at the ceremony. I know a lot of WPs throw showers and bachelor/bachelorette parties, help with planning and diying, but a lot don’t. Also, don’t worry about an unever wedding party, my FH lost his best man because he can’t travel to the US without having to quarantine when he goes back home. I totally understand the disappointment and hurt piling up, planning a wedding during a pandemic is much more stressful than fun.
My advice would be to take the time you need to distance yourself from planning and let yourself work through how you’re feeling. You‘re not selfish, your feelings are not dumb, this whole situation sucks and it doesn’t sound like you have a support system to help you through this. When you’re ready, talk to your FH and tell him that you really need his support. You’re supposed to be a team, and there are ways he can support you through this even if he doesn’t care what the centerpieces look like or what colors/flowers/etc you pick.
As for your dad, mine abandoned us before I was born and popped up when I was turning 18 so I understand complicated relationships. He promised me “At least a couple grand” to help with the wedding, but I’ve had to learn not to rely on anyone to help until they actually give you the money or show up to do something you asked them to. It sucks when people make promises and don’t follow through, but you can’t just carry around that hurt forever.
Take care of yourself.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on September 1, 2020 at 10:56 AM
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I don’t think you’re being selfish or dumb. Its unfortunate but it’s common that people don’t get as excited as we hope they’d be. I’m sure people are so happy for you though but that they aren’t expressing it as well as we want
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on September 1, 2020 at 11:08 AM
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I discussed that with him and he was a little upset but was in agreement, but then i called our venue and theyre not refunding anything sooo it just sucks
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Master November 2022
Chrysta · on September 1, 2020 at 11:12 AM
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You can still utilize your original venue to get married in, just the 2 of you! I recently saw pictures of a couple that decided to do that & it looked really cool!
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on September 1, 2020 at 11:15 AM
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It isnt really so much about them “ throwing parties” per say, its more of everyones lack of interest like just looking around at things whether its decor or any part of anyone attire or even just the simple question of how can i help or are you excited or caring to even see photots of the venue or literary anything at all ...
my relationships with both parents has always been terrible but i tend to fall for fake kindness from them in hopes that maybe this time they will change but ive been realizing more and more that what they say and do is usually just for attention from other people so me being a little upset about my father’s crap and hers as well is my own fault.

My fh says i dont want to mess anything up🙄
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on September 1, 2020 at 11:17 AM
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I agree with Chrysta, an elopement would be better for your situation. Are the bridesmaids able to return their dresses?
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Devoted August 2021
Liz · on September 1, 2020 at 12:27 PM
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I just wanted to say that I feel this so much. I 100% know what you're going through.
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VIP January 2019
Maggie · on September 1, 2020 at 12:30 PM
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I hate to do this because it's lazy, but I am just going to say "ditto" to all of this.
Placing expectations on others so often leads to disappointment (in all aspects of life, not just wedding planning). Especially when you expect them to behave differently than they usually do. You and your future spouse can still have a wonderful wedding if you adjust your expectations now. Focus on each other and the end goal (being happily married), and you can't go wrong. Good luck!
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Expert August 2020
Angel · on September 1, 2020 at 12:57 PM
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I agree with basically all the previous comments. First off, no, you're not dumb or selfish. You're a bride who wants to be celebrated and have people show their joy for you. But as they all mentioned, and as I've realized - NO ONE will be as excited as you will be. No one will care about the bridesmaids dresses, decor, or anything as much as you will. My mom also showed little to no excitement this entire time, and she said she'd get more excited as it got closer. We didn't have an engagement party or bridal shower, they just seem unnecessary to me - but I understand if that's something you were looking forward to. But if you really think your bridal party "sucks", then maybe you shouldn't have them stand by your side on one of the biggest days of your life.. just pay them for the dress and try to resell it or something. You really do find out who matters during times like this in your life. Like you said, you knew wedding planning would be stressful, but planning a wedding during a pandemic has it made WAY worse than any other bride could imagine. So, just relax. It's good you're taking a step back from planning since it's clearly taking way too much of a toll on you. Wish you the best!
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Super August 2020
Emily · on September 2, 2020 at 10:46 AM
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You’re not being selfish. I feel like the pandemic has played a toll on everyone’s excitement. Try to not let it get to you. Even without the pandemic I feel like people still won’t be as excited as you and your future spouse! Just enjoy it yourself
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Super September 2018
Rachel · on September 2, 2020 at 1:43 PM
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I’m a little confused because on one hand you say no ones interested/offering to help/etc and then you say their opinions are only negative. Are you sure you haven’t pushed anyone away when they raised what you felt was a negative opinion? Is your wedding in the near future, might people be shy about checking in assuming you are overwhelmed by the every changing COVID restrictions? Are you reaching out to these people checking in on them personally (non-wedding related)? Often we need to take the first step in demonstrating behaviors important to us, rather than keeping it bottled up and expecting people to read our minds.

At any rate, no one will care as much about the details of wedding planning as much as the couple, and maybe anyone with a financial stake in the wedding (so parents of contributing). And maybe someone in the midst of planning their own wedding. 😂 But that’s why wedding wire is here! Bring all your ideas and questions to people who are interested and focused on planning! And that’s why we hire vendors! Their job is to listen to you and design to your wishes! Your wedding party is to be your nearest and dearest friends and family standing by your side, not your co-event-planners!
As for parties... engagement parties are a newer thing. Did your parents have one when they were engaged or have they been invited to one? They probably don’t even know people do that! If it’s important to you you can try gently expressing your interest in that kind of party and see if anyone is interested in (and able to host) throwing one for you.
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Devoted April 2021
Kelly · on September 6, 2020 at 10:25 AM
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What i find truly disappointing and hurtful is that majority of everyone on this forum says come on here and use this forum to vent and what not, and then i do and there are brides who call me a “bridezilla”... saying this without knowing me or i presume not fully reading or understanding my post. And then even questioning if i am just pushing people away..... i am so far from a bridezilla and I haven’t pushed anyone away. When i post on here and vent about things it is because i havent spoken to other people about my feelings. I havent fought with anyone, i never truly expected to be thrown parties, my expectations were that the people who say they will help and care about me would follow through. But they dont.. i dont care about parties i dont care about a shower. I didnt ask my bridal party to be “ co-event planners” what i wanted was them to show slight enthusiasm and maybe respond to texts even those unrelated to my wedding. Most of my cousins are married and i was apart of all them and i got to see first hand how my family helps each other so basically my expectations were that they would do the same for me .. but they havent. Pushing people out when i say all they offer is negative opinions.. no... i dont even argue it... but when they provide negative opinions regarding things ( you didnt even ask for an opinion on) and then cant even follow up with a “positive “ suggestion and they tell you that you are just dumb, or that you will look like “trash” up at the alter based off what shoes you have on underneath your gown that covers your feet... its becomes a little disappointing. Asking me if i even have the courtesy to reach out to talk to people and check on them... if i didnt reach out... i would never hear from them.... this is how it has been my entire life.... i am constantly the one reaching out and checking on everyone... i barely speak about my wedding anymore to anyone because of the way i have been feeling like no actually gives a damn about it , so when i reach out its basically to make sure everyone is doing well and if i could help them in anyway....and then i come on here to just get things out that have been upsetting me And ask if others feel this way or just get support... or whatever... and then to read some responses that make me feel even worse ...

Maybe i am being over-sensitive about a lot , but to call me a bridezilla because im a little heart broken given a lot of the factors happening in the world and my personal life.. that it is not fair ...
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Super September 2018
Rachel · on September 6, 2020 at 4:35 PM
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So I don’t see anyone on this thread calling you a bridezilla or name calling you at all. I’m sorry you feel that way. Albeit passively, this last reply feels directed pretty strongly my way. And a bit unfairly, but ok. I really meant those as introspective questions, not as an attack. Sorry if it came off that way. No other suggestions for you as my voice is not welcome on this thread. Best of luck.
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