Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Just Said Yes September 2020

Am i choosing the wrong bridesmaid?

Q, on October 17, 2019 at 1:48 PM Posted in Planning 0 10

Saved

Flag
Hide content

I’d say that she’s not my best friend. I’m a foreigner and all of my best friends (including my supposed MOH) are not local. My MOH is living in australia and unfortunately she couldn’t make it to my wedding in 2020.
I have these 2 girls who I’ve been very closed with for the last 2 years from college. I already asked them (unofficially) to be my bridesmaids and they were excited to be. I’m planning to have 4 BMs and 1 junior BM (my younger sister). The other 2 are my cousins and they’re not local. These 2 girls are, luckily. However, there is not much communication between the three of us lately. They seemed really busy that they couldn’t reply any of my texts or calls, if they do, it’d be like the week after.
They’ve never asked me about how my planning’s going, or if they can help with anything. I understand that they’re busy since I’m graduated but they’re still in school. However, when we have time together, one of them was just ignoring me during the whole conversation + throwing me a very bad attitude for no reason. She refused all of my calls or texts, always saying she’s busy as an excuse. But clearly she was hanging out with her other “friends” and posted many pictures on social media. So I don’t really understand what’s going on here.

I told them that I’m paying for their dresses since I understand they’re doing me a favor on my wedding. When I brought a dress (as an EXAMPLE of the style I like) to her place, she rudely put it on and showed me the face that she hates it even though she didn’t say it out. I asked her many time if the style was fine or if she wants to pick her own, because I’m ok with that. But she seems refuse to work with me. She kept saying “whatever style you want” + an attitude. I’m really confused if she wants to be a part of my wedding.

We’ve been really close and never had a conflict for the last 2 years that we’ve known each other. Idk what happened, but now it’s super hard to get to see her in person just to grab a coffee. I asked her out many times so that I can have a conversation with her to see if she still wants to be a BM but she either ignored my text for saying she’s busy.

Idk if I should fire her? I still have 10 months til my wedding date, but again, I’m not local nor my best friends, I couldn’t think of anyone who could replace her. Bad news is, the other girl are living with her in the same apartment. I’m worried that if I fire one, I ended up losing 2.

I need help!!! Many thanks!!!

Flag
Hide content

10 Comments

Latest activity by Patricia, on October 17, 2019 at 2:53 PM

Champion November 2016
LB · on October 17, 2019 at 2:05 PM
Flag

Hide content
Did you hire her? Because if not you can't "fire" her... *sigh*
Seems like your entire focus is your wedding and what your friends should be doing FOR you. Being a BM is not a job, it's a honor. You pick these people because you want them to stand next to you, not because you expect them to help you plan YOUR wedding.
I think you need to be a friend first and a bride second. Hang out without a single mention of your wedding, which is still a bit away.
And know, that if you "fire" this girl, your friendship will effectively be over.
Best of luck.
- Reply
Just Said Yes September 2020
Q · on October 17, 2019 at 2:15 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Well I have seen some articles about this topic and ‘fire’ the word people use, so if it sounds offensive, forgive me English is not my first language.

To be honest I’ve only mentioned my wedding plan twice to them, one is excited for me, one (I mentioned the most) kept complaining about how single she is. I introduced her to some of my cousins, my fiance’s friends, things didn’t work out, idk what else can I do.

Here is why I’m feeling hurtful. I’ve been planning the whole wedding with my fiance’s help since I know how busy college students could be. We got the venues, photographer, decorations, ... checked without my friends even care to ask about it. I didn’t asked for their helps, but only sharing with them of what I’ve been doing. Here’s also the thing, they told me that they won’t plan for my bachelorette and bridal shower. The reason is? They told me they don’t know how so I should ask the other BMs to do it, but they’re local not the others. So I’m not sure if I’m too demanding or they’re just not caring about me as a friend?
- Reply
Champion November 2016
LB · on October 17, 2019 at 2:18 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

They don't have to plan you a bachelorette party or a shower. Those are completely optional events. As college students I would imagine that is an expense that they couldn't take on. I know I wouldn't have been able to if I was still in college.
One of the best things I've read on here is "no one cares about your wedding as much as you do". Please remember that and give your friends a break.
- Reply
Just Said Yes September 2020
Q · on October 17, 2019 at 2:22 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
FYI I’m paying for everything, every party & shower. I’m also paying their dresses + BMs gifts + makeup. And they know that too. I literally just graduates 4 months ago so yes I understand how life is to be in college.
- Reply
Champion November 2016
LB · on October 17, 2019 at 2:23 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment

So you're asking them to throw you a party in your honor but then you're paying for it? That makes sense...
I think you're just looking for validation so I'm going to bow out of this one. Best of luck.
- Reply
Devoted April 2022
Sarah · on October 17, 2019 at 2:31 PM
Flag

Hide content
I’m sorry you’re going through that! From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like you’re being too demanding at all imo. It’s normal to want to talk about your wedding—it’s most likely the biggest things happening in your life right now! And it doesn’t sound like you’re expecting them to help you plan at all, you just want a friend who’ll listen, which isn’t too much to ask.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you have a bridesmaid who doesn’t actually want to be a bridesmaid. If she won’t sit down with you to have a real conversation about whether or not she wants to do this, and if she won’t take you up on the ways out you’ve been offering her, then I would drop her as a bridesmaid. I would just tell her something along the lines of: “I get the feeling that you’d rather be a guest than part of the bridal party, and that’s okay with me! I know that being a bridesmaid is a huge commitment, and you’re really busy. I want you to be a part of our day in whatever capacity you feel the most comfortable.”

As long as you’re being honest, polite, and communicative, you’ve done your part. If she wants to be passive aggressive or burn down this friendship over something like this, that’s (unfortunately) on her.
- Reply
Just Said Yes September 2020
Q · on October 17, 2019 at 2:42 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Hi Sarah,

Yeah I totally understand that being a bridesmaid is a huge favor, especially when I’ve only known them for 2 years. It’s so hard when all of my best friends who I grew up with are oversea and I’m not sure if any of them could make it to my wedding.
The point is I really enjoy having the friendship with my 2 recent friends, we were such a happy girls group. I don’t know what happened so I’m looking for a chance when we can sit down and talk, not only about them wanted to be my BMs but also wanted this friendship or not. I’m so afraid that if I drop her as a BM our friendship will end, even though I’m not sure if they’re still care to be my friends.

The last time I really hanged out with them we were fine. I told them that I know how busy they are and that I’ll have a very simple wedding. I’m also not that kinda person who stressed out if my wedding cake is not as expected 😁 But it started then I bought an example dress, that friend of mine hates it and she refuse to discuss about it. I already told them that they could pick their own dress and I’ll give it to them as a gift of being my BMs.

But I guess people have their own stresses in life and that I can’t cross boundaries. Thank you so much for your advice of how to drop a BM politely without hurting their feelings. I appreciate that very much 😊
- Reply
Dedicated March 2020
Patricia · on October 17, 2019 at 2:43 PM
Flag

Hide content
I dislike you're going through this emotionally... I couldn't imagine not having some women in my life who consider a friend be a bit cold towards me . I would say invite to hang out with the girls and as previous person post said mention nothing about the wedding or planning. Let them know its just a time of wanting to hangout take the time to listen to them like what's new in the world studying etc.... Just be a humble friend then maybe a week later send a thank you girls for hanging out with me .... Then few days later bring up some ideas. I hope that helps
- Reply
Just Said Yes September 2020
Q · on October 17, 2019 at 2:47 PM
Flag

Hide content
View Quoted Comment
Thank you Patricia for understanding and the helpful advice. I actually just asked them out yesterday, but again, one said busy studying, one didn’t reply my text. I’d definitely try again and again until we all can sit down as friends because I really appreciate them and wanted them to be with me on my special date. Thanks again!!!
- Reply

Dedicated March 2020
Patricia · on October 17, 2019 at 2:53 PM
Flag

Hide content
That's the spirit... Even if 1 comes trust she will tell them it was nice to hang out with you and to talk about there day and hopefully that will bring the other girls around keep me posted... Girl oh and p.s. do.a surprise pop up with a movie and takeout make it FUN!!!!
- Reply