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Just Said Yes December 2020

Am i being selfish?

Krystin, on November 19, 2019 at 3:06 AM Posted in Planning 0 16

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My FH and I are planning on December 1st, 2020 as our date. This is our anniversary date, so it's a pretty special date. My FMIL and I use to get among great but lately it seems rocky. She's said since Pretty not so nice things. She's pretty quick to apologize but it doesn't make be forget what was said. It's been a really rough year for her so I'm trying not to take it personally. My FH's brother passed away in July and he lived with her and his kids. She's really been struggling and even though my FH isn't spending less time with her, she's catching an attitude and feeling left out. We have been spending more time with her and even been working on her house for her. When something doesn't go how she wants is usually when something is said and I feel like I'm being blamed for him not spending and much time with her. Which yea.. it is my fault. He doesn't spend time with her like he did before we were together. Back to my point.. the day we want is during the week and we were planning to do it in Colorado (we're from Texas) because that's where we got engaged. This time period is during "close" at her job which makes it hard to get off. Her boss let her have that time off in August while she was grieving but when she mentioned the wedding for next year and if she could get off she said her boss told her "it was in your contract to work every close when you came to work here" she says she most likely won't be able to make it and wants us to change the date. Apparently her boss says why can we not change the date for her. We also have a trip to Colorado to look at venues at the beginning of next month. She was invited but can't go due to "close" but we had also invited my dad. She seems to be jealous that my dad is going with us (I'd just like to add that we were on a family vacation with her, his brother and his nephews in CO when we got engaged.) Am I being selfish for not wanting to change our date for her? It's possible her boss would let her off for our wedding but she thinks they won't (they might not but that's pretty cruddy) there's no other dates that are really special to both of us. I'm really fond of December and my other date of choice would be December 17th which isn't anything special for him but is to me. He doesn't want that date and that puts our wedding real close to Christmas & may not be done with our honeymoon by Christmas, which else cause a some bunch of other issues since that would put her alone for the holiday... idk yall.

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16 Comments

Latest activity by Deirdre, on November 19, 2019 at 5:51 PM

Master November 2020
Kristen · on November 19, 2019 at 5:34 AM
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I see where you're coming from and you really kind of are in a not so easy situation. Although at the end of the day it is really what you and your future husband want to do. It is both of your special day. I see where you're coming from and you really kind of are in a not so easy situation. Although at the end of the day it is really what you and your future husband want to do. It is both of your special day. Have you asked him exactly how he would be if his mother we're not there at his wedding? I think that is the most important things taken to consideration because at the end of the day that is his mom and regardless of how she has been acting lately which could be because of grief it is because he loves her and she loves him and I think not having her at his wedding could end up causing a problem between you and him as well. I don't think it's bad to get married where you want to get married and I understand the significance behind the date but I think that she should be able to come to the wedding especially because even if she has been saying some things she is going to be your in law. Something to consider maybe you both can get your marriage license on the date of your anniversary and have her there to view that and then when you do your actual ceremony in Colorado even if she cannot be there she was included in something. I will also say that if you do make any kind of accommodations for her that you should maybe sit down one-on-one and talk to her and let her know that you recognize that she's going through a rough time but that lately she's been making certain comment that has really been hurtful to you in hopes that she can be more cognizant of that and then calm down. Is there a way that you could have the wedding still in the place that you want to have it but during a time. When she does not have to work? Even if it is on the weekend a few days before or after your anniversary date?
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on November 19, 2019 at 5:36 AM
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How does your FH feel about his mom not being able to attend the wedding? Honestly, if H had at any point tried to choose a date my parents couldn’t make work and had taken your oh well attitude, I probably wouldn’t have married him. Your wedding day is going to be a special day to you and FH regardless of when it happens. Is it really worth completely tearing his family apart by choosing a date you know his mother is unlikely to be able to make work?
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Expert September 2020
Marcia · on November 19, 2019 at 6:02 AM
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Any date you get married on will be special to you as a couple.

Is that date worth potentially never having a relationship with your MIL and possible future resentment from your FH that his mom missed the wedding?
Would it be possible to keep the same date but get married in your town where she might be able to make it?
Ultimately, it’s up to you and FH.
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Master January 2019
Cassidy · on November 19, 2019 at 7:18 AM
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I worked at a job where we spent 2 weeks closing the books each month. We had just enough people in the department to get the job done. Something came up last minute that I needed off for, I had to go in on the weekend and EARLY the day of that I needed off to get my share done.
A death is different than a wedding. You can’t plan a death around work. You need an opportunity to process the tragic life altering event.
Do I think you’re being selfish, not really. But I also don’t think you are being realistic. Especially if it is stated in her contract that she would work every close. In the long run the date you choose to get married on doesn’t mean anything. It’s a date and will hold significance from that day forward. You should look into other dates, especially if your FH wants her there. Your relationship with her is pretty irrelevant in this decision.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on November 19, 2019 at 7:24 AM
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I couldn't agree with this more. Having my mom at my wedding is significantly more important to me than any date on a calendar.
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Dedicated October 2020
Amber · on November 19, 2019 at 8:02 AM
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I agree, change the date. Having parents there is very important if they're involved in your lives. Destination weddings are hard as it is. As least make it on a date she can be off. I understand its an important date for you, but any date you get married will be important. Plus, you can always celebrate 2 days since you'll have more than one important day!
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Master January 2015
null · on November 19, 2019 at 8:11 AM
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I agree with this 100%. I would never choose a specific date if it meant one of our parents couldn't make it, especially if it was completely out of their control. We had already booked EVERYTHING for our wedding to be in May, then found out my sister's husband was getting deployed in March. We immediately started contacting our vendors to move our date up because he's family and we didn't want him to miss our wedding. Would we have done that for a family friend or coworker, no probably not. But a family member, especially a parent? Absolutely.
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Super February 2020
Jeanie · on November 19, 2019 at 9:03 AM
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I think whatever date you choose will become important because it will be the day you marry. It doesn’t need to have any special meaning before that. Not everything has to be chosen based off an emotion.
As far as your FMIL, I agree with her. She just lost a child, and is now “losing” another to you. Cut her some slack. You can’t compare a wedding to losing a child. That’s not fair to her or yourself. Her life is changing in so many ways and it sounds like she just wants to be a part of yours. I think it would be cruel to choose a date knowing there was no way she could attend. That clearly states that she is of no significance in your life, and that your opinion completely outweighs any feelings your fiancé has of his mother attending.
Obviously this is your wedding and you can do whatever you choose. But you should think real hard before you send a message you may not intend.
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Dedicated June 2021
KimandLarry · on November 19, 2019 at 9:40 AM
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Speaking as a mom, missing your child's wedding is devastating. My oldest daughter decided to get married on the spur of the moment, and kept it hidden from everyone til the day of, then just went to the courthouse and got married. None of the family was able to be there because she lives in a different city. That was heartbreaking for everyone. I don't really think you're being selfish so much as not really thinking about the long term effects of your decision. How does your FH feel about his mom not making it to the wedding? My hubbys mom didn't make it to ours, and he was pretty upset, but she's kind of a hermit so it was expected. But it still hurt him. I would suggest moving the date. Just because there's no other date that is special to you doesn't mean it wouldn't work. Whatever date you pick will be special after that.
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Super August 2020
Alex · on November 19, 2019 at 9:47 AM
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It's you FH mother. If she has done everything she can and can't get off work, change the date. It is absolutely ridiculous that you are considering have your wedding without your, FH's MOTHER!
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Devoted October 2026
Tanise · on November 19, 2019 at 10:00 AM
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I don't think you are being selfish. But dang that's a tough situation. :-(
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Dedicated October 2019
Jamie · on November 19, 2019 at 10:06 AM
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Yes, you are being selfish. As a mother, I would be devastated to not be able to attend my son's wedding. And it would absolutely impact my view of my FDIL to know that she pushed for a date knowing I wouldn't be able to attend.

Also, losing a child is something you will never understand unless it happens to you. It is truly life altering and worse than you could ever imagine. Give her grace.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on November 19, 2019 at 11:20 AM
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As a parent, I would be completely crushed if my child chose a wedding date "because it was a pretty special date" to them, knowing that I would be unable to attend. And, if you're feeling like your relationship with FMIL is currently "rocky," I'd expect making this choice will make it significantly worse. It's a date on a calendar. As other's have said, whatever date you get married on will be special. Personally, I'd immediately rethink this.

Also, I agree with others about trying to be more understanding of what his mom has been though with the recent loss of a child. We have close friends who've been through this, and honestly, they never "recover/get over it" (for one family it's been well over 20 years). A part of your FMIL died with her child and she will likely forever be changed by that. I encourage you to give her grace, help her find joy in her current devastation, and try really hard not to make her wounds deeper by cutting her out of her other son's wedding.
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Super February 2020
Kaysey · on November 19, 2019 at 11:29 AM
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This is a very tough situation to deal with and I am sorry you are having to go through it. I can see how your FMIL may be a little more stand-offish towards you now that one of her son's has unfortunately passed, especially if your FH is her only surviving son. My FH is my FMIL's only son and I am hoping that our relationship will remain as good as it is now after the wedding b/c I worry about her feeling like I am taking her son away from her.
In your situation, the first thing I think you should do is sit down with your FH and discuss it. In my personal opinion, changing the date at this point might be best, especially if your FH wants to make sure his mother is at the wedding. At the same time, it is important to make sure that your wedding day is what you and your FH want; the date, the location, who you invite, etc. This is a very tough situation to be in and I wish you the best of luck!
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Lady · on November 19, 2019 at 2:00 PM
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Personally, yes I think you're being incredibly selfish. Lots of people do not have flexibility at their jobs at certain times of year, or month end close (I used to be one of these people, nothing I could do to get time off the first week of every month - no exceptions).

Your MIL is dealing with the death of a child, handling his children, struggling with it all - and you aren't willing to accommodate a wedding date that works for all of you? Idk, I feel like that's outrageous. Your wedding date will be special because it's the day your get married, regardless of when you got engaged or started dating.

What's more important to you, a date? Or having your MIL attend her remaining child's wedding? Also, where is your FI in all of this? I cannot believe he's not putting up a fight to move the date so his mom can be there.
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Super March 2018
Deirdre · on November 19, 2019 at 5:51 PM
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I would just talk to your FH and consider what is more important to you both, the December 1st date or having his mom there. I personally wouldn't schedule my wedding on a date my MIL couldn't make, but we also didn't have any dates that were significant to us. If you feel your relationship with FMIL is already a bit strained, picking a wedding date she can't attend will most likely make it worse, so if you do go that option, just be prepared for a rocky relationship with her your entire life. Good luck.
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