Am i being selfish?

Since your in-laws are helping pay for a significant portion, they should have some say in the invite list. If you choose to tell them they can't invite these folks, be prepared that they might take back their contribution to your wedding.

We had a similar situation with my family, my mom added a large number of people to our wedding. At the end of the day, it didn't impact my wedding day for me at all. I focused on my people that were there and my mom was very happy to have some of her people there.

First, who is invited from your future spouse's side of the family is more up to FS than to you. What does FS want?

And second, yes, you do absolutely need to take it into consideration that your FS's family is helping to fund your wedding and honeymoon. As soon as you accept financial help, you need to think of others with your decisions. Sure, money without strings would be ideal, but that's not really how personal relationships work in the real world.

So, while I can't really answer if you are being selfish or not, it does seem like most of your objections to these people are based on your own wants rather than consideration of your FS and the people paying for the wedding.

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I'll clarify a couple things that I forgot to include;

- they are not paying for a SIGNIFICANT portion of the wedding. They are paying for our honeymoon and 1k towards our bar bill

- my FS feels the same way - he doesn't want to pay for people he only sees once every 3-5 years

I definitely don't think you're selfish for not wanting them there, but if this were me I'd most likely just invite them if we could squeeze them in and not completely blow our budget. I personally believe it also kind of depends on your family and what their typical dynamic is. So my family has people in it that we literally only see for weddings and funerals. If I don't invite those people then my guest list is not complete, no matter if I haven't seen them in 3 years and FH only met them maybe once.

Since your FH also doesn't want them there, that may not be the case for his family. In that case, it's his job to talk to his parents and work this out. Whether that be inviting them or not, this isn't your problem to fix. To answer your overall question though, neither of you are being selfish at all for not wanting people who aren't super close to you to attend.

View Quoted Comment I don’t think you are being selfish at all. Getting married is an extremely important personal event, and many people feel as you do- that they want to exchange their wedding vows in front of only those closest to them, and those who have supported their relationship. These “add ons” clearly do not fall under either of those categories. As you pointed out, this is your wedding and not a family reunion. You should not feel obligated to invite and pay for people you do not want in attendance at YOUR event. I would sit down with your spouse and their families and explain to them that for such an important event, you both feel comfortable only inviting those closest to you and who have been present for your relationship.

What does your fiancé want? If he wants them there then definitely invite them. If he doesn't want them there then let him have a talk with his side of the family and express that

Unfortunately in many cases money comes with strings attached. In this case you could go ahead and try to decline inviting those people, but should it become a battle it could get tricky. You're under no obligation to invite them and you're not selfish, for what it's worth. Particularly if your FI agrees.

Just for perspective - my whole family (including my parents and siblings) are spread throughout the country, so we really only get to see our extended family at major life events like weddings and funerals. Getting to see family that I don't get to see outside of these events is one of the aspects of my wedding that I'm looking forward to the most! But that's me - and doesn't sound like you or FH.

Additionally, FH and I were initially aiming for a smaller wedding paid 100% by ourselves. It was really important to my mother to invite some of her family (like her cousins) and family friends and was willing to cover the cost of their plates. Maybe it was COVID or maybe it was distance (they'd have to travel to attend), but most RSVP'd no anyways, so there'll only be maybe one table of people we don't know well at our wedding. In the grand scheme of things, it's not enough people to cause us to look out to the crowd and only see them - it's not like they'll have reserved front row seats at the ceremony or a prime reception table location anyway!

In the end, it's your and FH's wedding, so if you two really don't feel comfortable with these people being there, then (have your FH) tell your in-laws so.

I definitely don't mean this as a criticism, I guess I'm just not sure why you don't want your wedding to be thought of as a family reunion. To me, by definition of getting our families together, it absolutely is and we are so excited to see everyone! I would ultimately leave this up to your FS, since it is his side of the family.

I get the frustration but if they are contributing and paying for your honeymoon, this is part of the deal. Paying for your whole honeymoon seems pretty significant. Maybe you can compromise and say you can’t afford for 8 additional guests each, and offer 4 each instead?

I feel this.

My parents are divorced and remarried, my FH really only interacts with his mom's side of the family (father has passed). On top of that I have seven brother's and sisters.

FH is not close to most of his family, and we've elected to split the guest list down the middle (mostly because I'm not super social outside of my family).

In our case we each have 45 slots with ten shared guests. My half of the 45 is almost exclusively family, where FH will have a lot more of his friends/coworkers that he interacts with daily and shares a lot of personal details with.

I think sorting through your list and seeing how the sides currently break down could shed some light on this request from your in laws. If FH's side is already dominating the list, I think it would be fair to tell them so and that you guys aren't comfortable adding more guests. However, if it's a fairly even split I'd offer to invite the siblings, but not the first cousins.

Coming from a broken childhood and having a handful of family members in my life, I understand wanting only those that love and support you at the wedding.

Your in laws are putting a significant amount of money out to you both. It is over $1,000. That is honestly a lot of money to just give to someone. Since they are putting in money towards the event, they deserve to have some people there if they would like. Idk your budget in total, but it is something that should definitely be taken into consideration overall. They don't have to give you anything at all. They don't have to even attend if they should choose not to.

What does your FS think? Is he close to these people? Did they watch him grow up and spend a lot of time with them? If the answer is yes, I would let them attend. If it is due to the financial aspect, maybe talk with the in laws about it and see if they would foot the bill for those people to attend. Or tell them they have 4 guests each, instead of 8. As previous poster stated, compromise is the best solution. This day is not just about you and your happiness. It is your FS's special day too. He deserves to have his family there as well. If he doesn't want them there either, I would have him tell the in laws that. It is his family, so he should handle them.