Daisy
Just Said Yes March 2018

Am i a bad wife or i am in a bad relationship?

Daisy, on November 7, 2019 at 10:14 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16
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Before I got married, my husband had a live-in caretaker who he claimed was just someone who worked for him but I later discovered they had a relationship for over 7 years while she lived in the house. The woman ordered me around like I was some house maid they hired and assumed all control of the house,yet i was the one doing all the house work.
I slept in another room and would only be in my then fiance's bed during daytime. We never did anything private when the woman was around or about to come back.

When we got married , my husband did not wanna buy an original wedding ring for me, so he went to Walmart and bought $78 ring. I told him I would not wear a fake ring because it didn't feel right. He suggested to make me wear one of the $11,000 rings he bought for a woman in his previous marriage. So I wore the ring just on my wedding day but he took it back because he feared someone would cut my finger off to rob the ring. I am married but I dont wear a wedding ring,lol.
The woman in the house did not know we wedded , she wasn't invited . We had a court wedding ,she only discovered there was a function when she found wedding shoe boxes in the trash and wedding gown in my room.
When I suggested to my husband to let her move out since he had told me that anytime I wanted her to leave ,he would make her leave. That really wasn't the case. It was chaos and the woman demanded compensation because she was "common law married" which my husband denied and there was no ground for common since they had nothing together that proved it except a few people knowing they were together. My husband was hesitant to let her move out. When I decided I was gonna leave instead,he then asked her to leave. But after she left,he was really mad. He accused me of being a scammer because only scammers want to isolate spouses from their loved ones. He apologized later when I told him those words really hurt.
Since then,I moved into his bed room but he kept texting her every early morning and afternoon and evening. Just like he deed while she was in the house, (the constant texting has since stopped)

He is very abusive,calls my mom terrible names and he hasn't even met her yet . I am the only person in his life he says F word to and many other terrible phrases he would not say to any one close to him. Even if his relatives did something terrible, he doesn't use bad words on them. He abuses every driver on the road and yet they can't hear him but I am the one who listens to those words.

He wants to show me everything on the road while traveling including beautiful homesteads,old cars, tiny ugly houses and he calls them "beautiful " yet I can't keep quiet even if what he has shown me is really ugly. He wants me to say they are beautiful. If I keep quiet his feelings will be hurt ,if I respond with my true observation his feelings will be hurt. If I say they are beautiful he will keep showing everything on the road like a tourist and I will never be quiet just to think about my own business and customers. I feel like I am developing Alzheimers at 35.

I took a job, but he doesn't want me to drive to work. He drove me every morning and picked me up. He would come and sit at the parking lot at my work place to see if I got out of work to see some one ,or if I talked to any body while getting out for any break. Actually he wanted permission to come and wait for me at the cafeteria all day long. Every time he delayed to pick me up and I walked for a few distance ,he would be pissed. He prefered I stayed in the cafeteria until he calls me to come out. I decided I wasn't gonna work under such circumstances so I quit.

I started working from home on my own business. It's almost a disaster,when I sit in my home office,he says It's like he is living alone. If I sit in the living room to try to work during working hours ,he will talk all day long and I have to participate. If he isn't talking, the television volume is so high. He doesn't want any customer that wants to give me any big Turnkey project that involves travel,he will acuse me of wanting to ran away with a customer and sometimes demand i stop talking or dealing with that customer.

If I talk to my family and laugh,he will accuse me of being too happy with my family members instead of being very happy with him. I can't have friends and my friends can't visit me. I do everything in the house from coffee to everything else.
He doesn't go out without me. If he wants to go buy milk,or just drive around. It doesn't matter whether I have work or not. If I request him to go alone so I can finish work, he will ask for a divorce because he married to be with his spouse 24 hours. Several times he tells me, I am useless in his life, he would do better alone just like he is living "alone" When I ask him to go to court and get a divorce he accuses me of wanting out of the relationship so badly.
I don't ask him of any penny. I use my income to pay all my personal bills. He says he loves me but only when I am following everything he wants . If I request a diversion, he will acuse me of making him feel low or stupid.

We have been trying to get pregnant in vain,he acuses me of having a negative attitude towards a baby that's why I can't get pregnant. All my tests and ultrasounds show I am very fertile and I am not on any subscription medication nor am I on any family planning pills.

He hates everyone from LGBTQ people to Democrats, Television shows etc. When we find any good movie to watch,it comes to an end immediately some man kisses a fellow man and or a woman kissing a follow woman. He hates dog and animal commercials and I have to deal with all these every day.

I could go on and on...
I feel very confused. I don't know if I am a bad and useless wife like he says or I am just being abused and manipulated.
I used to smile at anything and laugh like the happiest woman on earth but that has since faded.
I am worried about my self!!!

16 Comments

  • Amber
    Rockstar February 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry you're going through this, but I'm going to be very direct. You are in a very abusive relationship. Please do not bring a child into your house and instead focus your efforts on you getting out. I would also file a restraining order because he sounds unstable enough to try to follow you.

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
    • Flag

    I don't even know where to begin, this sounds like some kind of movie. You obviously know that you're in a bad situation and you know that you need to get out. Is your family aware of the abuse?

    • Reply
  • W
    Devoted September 2020
    Willow ·
    • Flag
    You are in an abusive relationship. It is clear as day. He controls you, wants to keep his mistress around, gaslights you, belittles you, swears at you, doesn't want you to work. He has reduced your self esteem to nothing. Get out and get into domestic violence counseling. Domestic abuse is not just physical. The physical aspect usually starts after a significant event like pregnancy.
    • Reply
  • Liz
    Dedicated June 2020
    Liz ·
    • Flag
    I have to agree with Amber, please please do not bring a child into this relationship, it is not healthy at all. Seek assistance when ending this relationship as I fear he is so controlling he will not take it well.
    • Reply
  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Champion March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
    • Flag
    Please do not get pregnancy please get to a counselor right away. I fear you may be in a dangerous relationship. There are so many red flags. Please see a counselor right away to help you with next steps.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    You are IN A BAD SITUATION. You are not a bad wife. You should not have married this person, and you should leave, ASAP.
    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    VIP September 2020
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag

    I agree with PP you need to get out ASAP. And Amber is completely right, you need to file a restraining order and find an attorney; along with seeing a counselor. You are not a bad wife at all.

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    I do agree with a restraining order. This man sounds very scary.
    • Reply
  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
    • Flag
    The is a very toxic relationship and you definitely need to get out. It isn't suprising that he has been divorced before. I promise you that you're not the problem. He is 1000% the issue. I wouldn't try to have any children with this person ever. I would be going and getting a divorce immediately and a restraining order.
    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag
    Please get some help. The number for the domestic abuse hotline is 1−800−799−7233. You can also got to thehotline.org and chat with someone online.
    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for sharing! I wasn’t sure what resources to recommend.

    Op, I definitely recommend the assistance. The “I’m in a situation and not sure how to leave” is exactly what these resources are there for. It doesn’t hurt to reach out for support or to chat even if you don’t end up
    utilizing their assistance.
    • Reply
  • FutureMrsHadi
    Dedicated August 2020
    FutureMrsHadi ·
    • Flag

    get out of there ASAP

    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag

    You're in an abusive relationship, period. Please seek help now . You deserve better for yourself!

    • Reply
  • Alejandra
    Expert November 2020
    Alejandra ·
    • Flag
    That is an extremely abusive relationship. Please get out! Find help or ask a neighbor or family for help. Please be careful!!
    • Reply
  • Daisy
    Just Said Yes March 2018
    Daisy ·
    • Flag
    Thank you everyone who has taken your precious time to read my plight. I am just crying reading all your messages. It's gonna be really hard for me to get out but I have to try my best to get out alive. Thanks a million times for confirming that I wasn't the problem. I almost thought there are things I do or say without knowing. It means the world to me to at least be right even if it's just once.
    • Reply
  • Jo
    WeddingWire Administrator May 2015
    Jo ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Daisy, I'm going to reach out to you privately so we can look for more resources in your area, but I want to encourage you to take a look at some of the national help centers and hotlines that support victims of abuse, including http://www.thehotline.org/, 1−800−799−7233, www.nrcdv.org, or 1-800-537-2238. The behavior you've described is very serious and you most certainly are not the problem.

    • Reply

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