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Devoted September 2020

Alternatives to sand, candle, hand fasting ceremony? (long)

Brandy, on August 16, 2018 at 10:04 AM Posted in Wedding Ceremony 0 16
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So I had always known (before our engagement) that I didn't want to include a unity candle or the sand pouring in our ceremony. Neither of those traditions hold any meaning for me other than something visual for the guests. I had decided on hand fasting as an alternative, not necessarily because of it's celtic roots but perhaps more pagan and because it makes sense to me. I brought this up to my FH and he said that was fine. He is what you would say agnostic so I didn't feel as if this was a huge compromise on his part.

Yesterday, I showed him a video of a hand fasting as a joke. It was a very long, drawn out, wiccan ritual that I thought we could have some chuckles at together. Not because other people's beliefs are to be laughed at but because the thought of US doing that would be hilarious. Well that led to a huge argument because he doesn't want to include a hand fasting at all. Apparently he is already compromising by not having the wedding in a church, (news to me because he has never gone to church, doesn't pray, and told me he didn't want a religious ceremony) and I am not listening to his opinions enough about this wedding. Literally the only other thing I have brought up (besides minute details like decor and colors, which he has agreed on) was that I didn't really want to do a bouquet or garter toss. All of the sudden those things mean a great deal to him and I really don't get where this is coming from. I don't want this to be my wedding, but our wedding.. but I feel as if it's strange that he has such strong opinions on these things all of a sudden. Have any of you experienced anything like this? Am I being crazy? 😅

So, lastly, if we don't do a hand fasting (I will not be including this in the ceremony if he's truly that against it) what other alternatives are there? Besides sand and a unity candle? I want something that makes sense to me but I guess may be more "traditional" in his eyes. I think he is too worried about what an average, cookie cutter wedding looks like. This is meant for us, not others.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Brandy, on August 16, 2018 at 8:38 PM
  • Alysia
    Devoted September 2018
    Alysia ·
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    Realistically, the ring exchange is the only symbolic ceremony that you need. It's traditional and widely understood without needing explanation. My best recommendation, however, is to ask him what he thinks would be a good idea because at the end of the day, you want the two of you to be happy and in agreement.

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  • annakac
    Devoted February 2019
    annakac ·
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    I know you said he's fairly agnostic, but I went to a cousin's wedding and they braided a rope cross like the one below. But they had that represent the intertwining of God in their relationship so might not be a good fit for you guys.


    Alternatives to sand, candle, hand fasting ceremony? (long) 1

    As far as the other stuff goes, unless it is an absolute no-go there's no harm in keeping some of the traditional stuff (the tosses, etc) if those are his only requests.

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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    You're right, I guess I just wanted something to make it more special. In my eyes. I will ask him and we will figure it out, it just hurt to fight over the wedding. Especially when it came out of left field. He is good at saying no to things but not ever giving me a reason or an alternative 😅
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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    I'm fine with including the bouquet and garter toss if they mean so much to him, haha. I just didn't see the point, in my eyes a bouquet toss isn't even fun for the guests and garter tosses are in bad taste.
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  • Alysia
    Devoted September 2018
    Alysia ·
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    I totally get it. When you started planning, did you sit down with him and ask him what parts of the ceremony/reception did he care or not care about? When I first started planning, I sat down with FH and asked him if he wanted to participate in planning each aspect (flowers, colors, ceremony script, ect) or if he just wanted to give his approval or disapproval for certain things. I got a feel for what he cared about the most and let him make the decisions he wanted to make... because I acknowledge that I'm better at planning and coordinating than he is. Because your wedding is still a decent amount of time away, there's still time for you to have a similar conversation with him, and to let him know that "I don't like that idea" isn't a complete sentence when it comes to wedding planning! I hope it all works out for you!

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  • J'Neil
    Devoted September 2018
    J'Neil ·
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    I agree with the other posters, sounds like a more in depth discussion of what he cares about and wants is important. This way you can both be on the same page going forward with the planning!

    In in terms of hand fasting alternatives - if you’re not crazy about the options there’s no reason to have any of those kinds of things in your ceremony. My FH and I are both agnostic and are having a secular ceremony with just readings, vows/I do’s, a ring exchange and a pronouncement.
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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    Right, we 100% have time on our side 😊 We never had a sit down conversation like that; we've been together for three years so we've mentioned things here and there in the past. Since being engaged, I'll bring things up to him randomly and ask his opinion on them. Which is what's frustrating, I never have said "we're doing it this way and that's that" except for the venue really. Which I did technically still ask but he knew it was more of a rhetorical 😂 He was fine with the hand fasting until I showed him that dang video as a joke, I wish I hadn't. Maybe I can find one that's similar to what I actually had in mind and he'll see that it isn't such a big deal or compromise after all. I suppose we will have to have a real talk about it. Thank you for your advice 💜 He has flat out said, "I don't want to plan the wedding" so really he has to communicate with me a little more if he has differing opinions and wants.
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  • M
    Dedicated November 2019
    Mishel ·
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    Can always look into unity in glass. It is kind of like the sand pouring but you get glass beads of color pour them and then send them out to be blown into glass. My fh and I liked the idea because we can involve our son and my son and then we picked the case option so that when they buy me flowers (my oldest loves to pick or buy me flowers) they can go into that vase. They have other options also.
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  • Brittney
    Devoted September 2018
    Brittney ·
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    We are doing a wine box ceremony! That may be a good option. My sister planted a tree (not actually planted, it was just in a planter and they added soil and water to be planted in the first house they bought together). That may be a good option too.
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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    That's a very sweet idea and one I hadn't thought of, thanks!
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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    I didn't think of those either, although I have heard of the wine ceremony here. Thanks 💕

    I did find a video of a hand fasting that is more in line with what I want and he may be more open to so fingers crossed 😅
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  • HayMrsO
    Master October 2018
    HayMrsO ·
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    We are doing a wine ceremony because that fits us. I wasn't sure I wanted to do anything, but FH said he wanted to do some kind of unity "thing". We are getting married on the beach, so candles were out. I really don't want a glass full of sand hanging around our house for life. I found the wine ceremony on here and brought it up to him and he agreed that it was very "us".

    Maybe give all the options to FH and see what he likes best. I love when they say "Do what you want" but then have pop in with a "I'm not doing that!" opinion Smiley atonished

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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    I think wine is amazing if it fits the couple. I wouldn't want sand sitting around either, and our ceremony is also outside so a candle would be very iffy even if I did want to do that.

    I don't understand why men have to be so difficult. I feel like that scene in the Notebook where he's asking her, "what do you want" over and over.
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  • Tpatb
    Master August 2019
    Tpatb ·
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    We’re doing a tree planting ceremony. You could always forgo the unity ceremony altogether or there are other options on Pinterest also.
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  • OrangeCrush
    Super October 2017
    OrangeCrush ·
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    Don't feel obligated to do a unity ceremony of any kind. We felt our wedding was unity ceremony enough, lol.

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  • B
    Devoted September 2020
    Brandy ·
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    Thanks so much everyone, he seems more receptive now that he's seen actual examples of what I was thinking. If not, perhaps we'll just skip it altogether. We are writing our own vows so that in itself is special enough.
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