Alternatives to Bridal Shower? More stress than it's worth... Mini-rant

Get a few of your closed friends and have a spa day I was going to do that just because finding a weekend was very hard these last 2 months. Instead my MOH pulled something together in 1.5 weeks! It was small only 10 guests but I had so much fun! The games were hilarious and the gifts were too! My grandma gave me an editable chocolate g string. I wee bright red. Luckily, it was all women, no children and we my family knows how to have a good time. My bachelorette was even crazier. Just imagine the party favors I had there and the pre party games. Gah!

I told her months ago I didn't want her to do anything that she didn't want to do, but now she is rescinding her offer to do things, and we are five weeks from the bridal shower date that I reserved with my own money since it is at our clubhouse. I was dreading a shower anyway and preferred a couple's shower, but when I brought it up, my mom was nasty about it and threw a fit and didn't speak to me for a couple of days, because that's what she does when she doesn't get what she wants. My other bridesmaids are either out of state, incredibly busy, or flat broke. I would much rather just have a casual BBQ hangout with my fiance's family because they are chill, but I know family isn't supposed to host and I'm not supposed to throw my own or ask for someone else to throw it.

So here's the question: what alternatives are there to bridal showers? I don't want to feel like my bridesmaid or my mom are dangling things over my head, which is the way I currently feel. It is more stress than it's worth and I want to make it special but this seems like it's supposed to happen organically and not be something that I should be stressing about at all. Has anyone done anything that is celebratory with just close friends or family instead, like a beach bonfire or BBQ at their family's house? There were originally around 50 people, without my fiance or any men there, and I worry about etiquette and not leaving anyone out, so who do I invite? Has anyone done this before? Thanks.

Thanks Future Mrs. Chang, I will talk to my girls and consider that

Congrats by the way, I see you are getting married in four days!

ETA: who did you invite/who were among those 10 people (other than your amazing grandma)?

I think you should forget about the shower. no one is stepping up and i wouldnt start planning your own event which is essentially what you will be doing (shower, bbq or spa). next relax you still have time for someone to put together a shower. Seems like if your FH's family is so cool with you they will step up and plan the shower/bbq if thats what they want. i would not at all continue trying to plan anything with your former MOH bc she has a bad attitude and it doesnt seem like what you want anyway. If your mom has a problem she can throw you one.

Thanks FFW. My mom was telling me last week to let former MOH plan the shower since she had offered, and that my mom felt like she couldn't throw it because it would be considered "gift-grabby," but with yesterday's events, I'm certainly reconsidering my choice to even have former MOH in the bridal party. She has been treating much of it like a begrudging burden, and often makes negative comments. I think my mom's sentiment is outdated, but oh well. I feel like it should be a celebration and it shouldn't matter who is throwing one, but I am relieved to let go of the idea of planning. I am a little sad that people around me talked me into it, then dropped the ball, so I started planning towards it then was left dangling.

I'm generally pretty traditional as far as the rules of wedding etiquette go. The one area in which I tend to differ from the purists is the wedding shower. I honestly don't understand why it is forbidden for a family member to host a wedding shower (I stop short at brides hosting their own showers). Gift grabby? Let's face it -- the entire shower is about giving gifts, and I don't understand how a nice term like "gift giving" morphs into the ugly "gift grabby" when nothing has changed but the identity of the hostess. I'm bringing a gift whether the shower was hosted by the MOH, the BMs, the sister of the bride, the cousin of the bride, or one of her friends. It makes no difference to me who's hosting it, and I'm not withholding my toaster oven from the couple because Emily Post says a female family member can't host a wedding shower.

I began to think about brides who don't have wedding parties. Are their sisters or cousins not allowed to throw a shower for that bride? What about brides who have their own sisters (or the FH's sisters) in the wedding party? Aren't they technically throwing a wedding shower for a sister? It just gets silly.

I'd suggest you talk to your in-laws about hosting the type of laid back, couple friendly party you're talking about. I like your casual, BBQ idea, and I think women are much more excited about going to a party that includes other couples instead of just women. It's more of a party, and who doesn't like a party?

I don't know...I just can't imagine opening a shower invitation, clutching my (faux) pearls, and gasping, "Oh, heavens! Her mother-in-law is hosting her couple's shower! I cannot attend!"

"I don't know...I just can't imagine opening a shower invitation, clutching my (faux) pearls, and gasping, 'Oh, heavens! Her mother-in-law is hosting her couple's shower! I cannot attend!'"

I love it!

Maybe I will call FIL's and let them know that the shower fell through (they already asked about the date before all of this happened), and see if they have any suggestions or if they offer to host.

I did not realize that family members weren't supposed to host. On that note, I was invited to a co-worker's baby shower that she is throwing herself at her own house. That was weird to me...

But my MIL threw a BBQ at a state park and it was great. We played egg toss, bags(corn hole), and had a good old party. I HATE being the center of attention and my husband loves it so it was perfect for us. There were kids and everyone there. It was never boring and showery(which I hate). I'm also the world's most awkward person when I open gifts in front of people. So my husband and having everyone there, it was much more laid back.

DMN, you just described exactly what I wanted! I'm so glad that it worked out for you This is definitely making me feel better.

I hope it works out for you, Nature Girl. A wedding shower is a wonderful expression of generosity and love, and I know you have lots of people in your lives who want to celebrate this once in a lifetime event by honoring you with a party and some great gifts.

As for that non-MOH who reminds you of what she said she isn't willing to do in planning and executing your shower, I hope the same thing happens to her one day in the future. Then, and only then, will she realize how truly awful her behavior was.

Thank you, Centerpiece Flowers. It means a lot to me to have your support as well as the other lovely posters here.

In all honesty, I am considering telling her that our relationship is too strained and perhaps asking a couple of other friends who we have met very recently to be in the bridal party instead. There is a part of me that feels bad, but another part of me that says I don't want to deal with her attitude on my wedding day, and if she is acting begrudging now, I should not expect anything less from her then.

Thank you! I know I am getting a little nervous!! It is soo surreal! I actually had 4 out of my 6 BMs there, my mom, 3 close friends, 2 aunts, and of course my grandma! The 2 BMs couldn't make it because one was in Paris on her HM, so we knew she couldn't make it, but I heard she did contribute and sent my gift to the location of the shower (MOHs house- she has a huge, gorgeous backyard). The other BM she wasn't feeling well. It was like over 100 degrees that day and it was held outside, so since she is pregnant she would have just been miserable.