Alcoholic Sister

Prioritize her health over ruining your wedding.

This is a heads up to give the bartender and if you have them, DoC/Venue Staff. They are trained on these situations and know how best to handle them - both to slow down her alcohol consumption (smaller pours, stalling with conversation, offering water/food), and what to do if she gets out of hand.

Unfortunately, you ultimately cannot control what she does, but you can make it more difficult for things to get out of hand at the wedding.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I just went through someone very close to me going to rehab for alcoholism. Unfortunately, there is little advice I can give you. All you can do is be supportive of her sobriety and be encouraging her to get help and get better. Encourage her to go to an aa meeting - it only takes one to change your life.

If you have a wedding coordinator or day of coordinator let them know what's going on. Also having someone she respects keep an eye on her as well. The idea is keeping yourself from responsibility of her choices.

I know she is your sister, and of course you love her, but you invited a problem by having her in the bridal party...as far as the open bar goes, you can't be responsible for that. I agree with Niki that you need to get with the bartending staff and venue / planner. I'd have a heart to heart with her and let her know you love her, but you expect her to behave like an adult at your wedding if she wants to come, now can you do that for me? More importantly, has your family considered an intervention to get her help?

So sorry you are having to deal with this.

Your wedding isn't until October so you do have 4+ months to monitor the situation. When she falls off the wagon, is it for very long? What helps her get back on again? Just things to think about.

As for the actual wedding, can you have a security guard? That may sound extreme but he could be a neutral party to help if things get out of control, escort her out for a while, etc.

I would say even though drinks while getting ready are fun, you should forgo any alcohol until the reception so she doesn't get a head start.

Also what about her husband? Can he be of help?

We do have security at the wedding. I will alert the bartenders and wedding coordinator about this. I have tried to talk to her about this because I am extremely concerned about her first. She won't go to rehab or AA or anything to do with it because she doesn't feel like she has a problem. My family has tried countless times to talk to her or get her help and she doesn't want it. Her husband isn't really home a lot since his job is a truck driver. He doesn't seem to really care.

My maid of honor knows about the situation and will be taking the lead on this.

I also have an alcoholic sister and she is my MOH so I can empathize. I agree with PP. I'd give the bartender a subtle heads up. I would kindly let her know that if she gets out of hand, she will be asked to leave.

I don't know if you guys have already done the intervention thing but for those who suggested that and as someone who has been dealing with more than one alcoholic family member for many years now, I can tell you that interventions are no miracle cure. We had several with my sister. She went inpatient for a while and was on the wagon for about 3 months and then fell off again. The person has to want to get help and even then, it's a long hard road and there are often slip-ups.

I'm so, so sorry that you have to deal with this. My FH is in recovery, and I know how hard this is to deal with and to see someone you love struggling with.

This isn't wedding related, but you should consider AlAnon. It's a wonderful resource for loved ones/family members of alcoholics. It is beyond helpful and I would recommend it to anyone in this situation.

I agree with @Kelli...try to keep alcohol out of the getting ready the day of. I don't drink around FH, and I won't at our wedding, even though he's been sober a long time. I tell him it's like if I were on a diet and he ate a whole box of chocolate cupcakes in front of me. Solidarity can really help.

I know it's hard to have a heart to heart with an alcoholic. Unfortunately, rock bottom has to be hit before they are ready to come to terms with it. Rock bottom doesn't look the same for everyone, so keep that in mind. I would understand if you felt your sister couldn't be at your wedding if it was destructive/harmful to you or anyone else. Your wedding should be a happy time. If that's what it has to come to, I don't think that falls under the category of asking her to "step down" because she didn't help with your centerpieces or whatever other reason some girls ask BMs to step down. Just having the discussion with her of what her alcoholism is doing to your relationship might wake her up, but don't count on it.

I agree also with PPs that your focus should be on her health. Don't say "you can't be in my wedding if you don't get sober" but rather focus on your deteriorating relationship with her that her illness is causing.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know how hard it is. If it's at the point where she can be at your wedding, do make sure the bartenders/DOC/etc. know ahead of time.

I'd say you should help her get back on the wagon, but leave your wedding out of it. If you weren't getting married, you would still want her to get help, right? Approach it as though you would if your wedding wasn't coming up, and encourage her towards AA, rehab, counseling...whatever she needs because you care about her.

Bartenders at your wedding aren't going to over serve guests. I think it's okay if you contact your bartender and your planner/DOC to let them know about the situation with your sister. You won't be able to prevent her from getting alcohol, but you can warn these vendors in case she's still not found her way back to sobriety by your wedding so they can be prepared. Hopefully, four months from now, your sister will be sober again and this will be a non-issue. But you can't predict what will happen and you can mention your concerns to your vendors si they can reassure you that they know how to handle alcoholic guests.

I would not have her in or even at my wedding if she was not sober.

I come from a family where alcoholism is rampant. My brother was my very favorite person in the world. He was my big brother, I was his baby sister. We were insanely close. Insanely.

He was an alcoholic. He went to rehab for a month and he did maintain his sobriety for about 15 years. Then, he decided he didn't need to work any program, have a sponsor, and that he could do this all by himself. He died 5 years later and I did his eulogy.

I wish I had known so much more prior to him going to rehab. If I had known I would not have enabled him like I did. I had no idea that all the "help and support" I was providing wasn't helping him at all. It was preventing him from hitting rock bottom good and hard. Really hard. That is the only way they will get help.

I absolutely encourage you to go to Alanon meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics. You need to learn a whole new way of dealing with this.

Knowing what I know now and burying my brother, what would I tell you? I would tell you to get your family and yourself to Alanon and get educated. Talk to someone about an intervention and do it. If she doesn't go to rehab NONE of you have anything to do with her at all. AT ALL. That leaves her on her own and with no family to enable her. That is when she will hit rock bottom and hopefully go back to rehab.

Addicts and alcoholics WILL fall off the wagon - and rehab can help them again. Enabling friends and families are no help, they help kill the person out of love and not understanding.

Parents can be the absolute worst about enabling because how could you possibly "abandon" your child when they need you? You need to abandon them so they hit bottom.

What would I do in your shoes now knowing what I know? I would have an intervention and I would tell her she is not welcome in my life, or wedding until she was sober. Outside of my husband and kids, no one ever loved me like my brother did (I was orphaned as a small child, I swear I didn't have crappy parents). No one else ever loved me like he did and I buried him.

Go to Alanon, educate yourself, and whatever you do, do not enable her.

I would hire a coordinator and possibly security in case things get out of hand

I'm sorry you are going through this. Of course you are concerned about her health and not just your wedding. I have an aunt that has been off the wagon for a number of years now. Her personality is totally different when she is drinking. I feel like my whole family enables her at family functions. At my cousin's wedding my other aunts were trying to monitor her alcohol consumption but I saw her keep sneaking other people's drinks that were laying around. By the end of the night she was a sloppy mess and then proceeded to get in her car and drive her three precious children home. She always does that and no one does anything about it. I like the advice to consult alnon, you might have to go the tough love route with her. Just letting her be an adult and let her do her thing might not be the best thing for her.

Alanon is the best. They helped me realize that cutting her out of my life is for the best. I haven't talked to my sister at all since Christmas. When she calls or texts I don't answer. I'm just worried that if she's not there for this huge event I will regret it later in life. FH is behind me not matter what I choose. The rest of my family is starting to cut her out as well.

I wish you the very best - this is a really tough road for the whole family.

I would give the bartender a heads up and maybe ask a family member to keep an eye on her.

Sorry you have to deal with this in your big day....

Aside from your wedding-- have you gone to al-anon? It's a great place for people whose lives have been affected by alcoholics so you don't to 'reinvent the wheel' as you try and figure out how much you should or want to do for your sister. Just like AA there are chapters all over the place.

Echoing what others said so far and sending my sympathies. It is so hard to see a loved one struggle, but you must do everything you can to avoid enabling them and to love with some detachment- it is best for you and for them. Good luck and hugs!