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Savvy July 2021

Alcohol

Rachel, on July 16, 2020 at 2:49 PM Posted in Wedding Reception 0 13

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We have a couple of issues we are trying to figure out that revolve around alcohol. My dad is a recovering alcoholic. His alcohol of choice is beer. The rest of my family doesn't drink including myself. My fiance and his friends drink. His mom and sister drink on very rare occasions. His dad is an alcoholic, but as supposedly cut back on how much he drinks. In the past, I have heard he has been a very mean drunk. Luckily, I haven't been around his dad that much to find out. Both of his brothers drink, but in moderation. I don't really want alcohol at the wedding, but my fiance definitely does. He wants the whole party atmosphere which totally isn't me or my family. My family in addition to not drinking are very religious so the party atmosphere isn't their style either. I've heard of serving just beer and wine, but beer is my major concern because that's all my dad ever really drank so I can't imagine he would be comfortable in that type of situation. My fiance also wants alcohol at our rehearsal dinner. I personally don't feel it is necessary for a rehearsal dinner. I don't want those participating in the wedding to be consuming a bunch of alcohol the night before the wedding. The last concern is that he has been talking with the best man about possibly renting an Airbnb for the night before the wedding and where they would get ready for the wedding. My dad and brother (bride's man) plan to get ready with my fiance and the groomsmen. My concern is if there is going to be alcohol in the Airbnb. I am trying to avoid as much temptation for my dad as possible. My fiance said he can ask the groomsmen not to bring alcohol, but he can't guarantee that they will actually listen. I'm not sure what to do because this is my fiance's wedding just as much as it is mine, but I don't want our wedding to be the reason my dad falls of the wagon. He has only been sober for about a year so it will be about two at the time of our wedding. He hasn't attended any events with alcohol nor does he plan to prior to our wedding. Any advice?

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13 Comments

Latest activity by Jana, on July 16, 2020 at 6:32 PM

Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 16, 2020 at 2:56 PM
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Have to asked your dad how he feels about it? I have some friends in recovery who have a hard time being around alcohol and some who just don't seem to struggle as much with it.

For the rehearsal dinner, I think it is reasonable to have it dry. You can't control if the guys drink on their own that night, but I would not pay for alcohol that night if you have concerns.
Also, I think your dad should make the decision about where he wants to get ready given that the groomsmen want to drink. He might just prefer to get ready on his own and stop by for pictures, which is probably fine. Of course, I hope your husbands friends dont drink too much before the wedding--that can make for a sloppy ceremony.
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Savvy July 2021
Rachel · on July 16, 2020 at 3:02 PM
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He hasn't been around alcohol since he quit drinking. He has expressed that he has no desire to be around alcohol or people drinking it.
If they want to drink on their own that's on them. I just don't want to be the one providing it.
My parents aren't spending the night at the hotel because of their pets so they are arriving early to get ready with us so he is expecting to get ready with my fiance.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 16, 2020 at 3:04 PM
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Do you think he will attend the wedding if there is alcohol?

Also, who is paying for the wedding?
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Savvy July 2021
Rachel · on July 16, 2020 at 3:10 PM
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I'm not sure if he will attend if there is alcohol which would also mean my mom might not attend. We are paying for most of the wedding. My parents have offered to help with anything we might want help with.
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Expert March 2021
Marcia · on July 16, 2020 at 3:13 PM
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I think if they wouldn't be able to attend, that should carry the most weight. I get your FH wanting alcohol because I would, but I would want my partner's family there more.

I have a family member with lots of medical needs that have put some restrictions on the kind of event we can have. FH was super understanding when I expressed to him how important it was to me that this family member have a safe and enjoyable time. I hope you and your FH can talk it out too.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on July 16, 2020 at 3:17 PM
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Can you just serve wine? That’s what we did.

Realistically you can’t control what other people do though. If you don’t have alcohol at the rehearsal dinner, the people who will want to drink will either drink a ton before, sneak some in, or go out drinking after.
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VIP November 2021
Allie · on July 16, 2020 at 3:39 PM
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I feel like you and your fiancé need to discuss this more seriously with each other and with those involved. The day should be about the both of you, but you also have to consider the comfort level of others. Recovering alcoholics usually have an idea of their limits (whether they can be around alcohol or not) so it’s important to have that conversation with both sides, but you BOTH need to be a part of that before making a decision. This will help you both understand where everyone is coming from. I feel you though, we aren’t big “party people” and while we want to have a good time, we don’t want people getting sloppy drunk and having to worry about how it is affecting the others.
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Expert July 2021
Laquita · on July 16, 2020 at 3:41 PM
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You can't control what other people do, but I think your FH should be very understanding of your dad's situation. If their attendance is dependent on whether or not you serve alcohol then he should be ok with no having it. Maybe do like what Gen says & only serve wine. If someone at the wedding is that desperate to drink something else, then they'll just have to go get it on their own. I feel like this is the same as accommodating someone's food allergy, sometimes you just don't want to risk it no matter how careful you are.
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on July 16, 2020 at 3:46 PM
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It sounds like you and your FH should sit down and discuss all of what you’ve shared. I personally think that the best thing would be no alcohol. My FFIL has a drinking problem, my FH doesn’t drink but maybe once a month. I probably drink more, but I prefer drinking in a relaxed atmosphere like at a paint and sip class, not the club/party style. But because I didn’t want a scene with FFIL, I didn’t want alcohol. I also don’t have money in the budget for it and chose a county park which says no alcohol.

One possible alternative/compromise could be to have a shorter formal reception with no alcohol and then have an after-party with drinking.
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Savvy July 2021
Rachel · on July 16, 2020 at 3:50 PM
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We are planned on having an after party which is another reason why I think we could get away with having a dry wedding.
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VIP October 2020
Anna · on July 16, 2020 at 3:53 PM
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Yeah, if you’re already planning that, then I wouldn’t have alcohol at the reception.
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on July 16, 2020 at 5:22 PM
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Is your father in therapy at all? If he is that worried about relapsing simply because someone wants to drink at their wedding then maybe talking to someone might help him. I know you said your father hasn’t come into any contact with alcohol since his sobriety, but unfortunately in life it’s pretty hard to avoid and there may be instances in his life where he can’t avoid being around alcohol. If your parents were paying for your wedding, then I would have to side with your mother and father. But seeing as how both you and your fiancé are paying for your wedding, I understand it’s your father, but I don’t think a guest has any sort of right to dictate about what can or can’t go on at a wedding. Also, it’s probably best if he doesn’t get ready with your fiancé. Your fiancé is an adult and you’re agreeing to marry him which means that you’re OK with who he is and the fact that he drinks when he celebrates. I personally think that your fiancé should have the right to celebrate how he wants to on his own wedding day especially if you both are paying for it.
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Master October 2022
Jana · on July 16, 2020 at 6:32 PM
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The rehearsal dinner doesn't require alcohol. You and fiance need to sit down and figure out a compromise so all of your guests are comfortable. If I knew someone had issues with alcohol, I would not expect there to be any served. Can you have an after party for his friends to drink and still keep the recovering alcoholics away from temptation?
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