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Just Said Yes October 2023

aita if i don't want to invite inlaws friends?

Samantha, on March 13, 2023 at 11:59 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 18

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In laws asked how many ppl they get to invite, we told them 10, they want 20. We thought by saying an extra 10 isnt in the budget would get them to drop it but they offered to pay for the extra 10. They havent offered to pay for anything else (which is totaly fine, we didnt expect money for either parents) but I also don't want random people at my wedding but didn't want to sound rude so i figured the financial reason would be enough. Now that they're offering to pay my FH is fine but I still don't want 20 random people at the wedding. I want to stand firm on this because the in laws gave us such grief when it came to the shower too but I wasn't allowed to have wants or opinions for the shower because I'm not paying. They seem to think that just because they pay for something even if it's not what I want I have to be okay with it. Am I being a bridezilla??? How do I respectfully tell them I don't want 20 of their friends that I've never even met at our wedding??

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on March 17, 2023 at 5:32 PM

Legend July 2022
Lisa · on March 13, 2023 at 12:10 PM
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Were these extra people invited to your bridal shower? If so, they should be invited to the wedding too. If they weren't invited to the shower, then you and your FH should discuss and get on the same page. If you both decide that you prefer these people aren't at the wedding, then your FH could tell your in-laws that you both want to limit the guest list, and that you will only offer them invitations for 10 guests. Depending on how many total guests you have at your wedding, if you end up allowing your in-laws to invite them, you might not even notice the extra guests anyway.
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CM · on March 13, 2023 at 12:19 PM
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I agree with this. If any of these people were invited to the shower, you are obliged to invite them as well as their SOs to the wedding. Personally, it did not bother me to have our parents friends at our wedding and my feeling was that it was their day to celebrate, too. If you have plenty of room for one more table, and it doesn't cost you anything extra, including centerpieces, etc. it wouldn't be my own hill to die on. If it is for you, then stand firm on your limit of 10.
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Master October 2023
Michael · on March 13, 2023 at 12:38 PM
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Weddings have traditionally been an event not only for the bride and groom but for the parents to celebrate with friends of theirs -- to also see this big moment in life of their children. So, it can be nice to invite some friends along that line if possible.
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Champion November 2054
Jacks · on March 13, 2023 at 6:30 PM
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Yeah, once you deny people what they want with a reason, they will come up with a "solution" to the problem ie to pay for the extra people. It's best to respond with "no, we won't be able to accommodate 20 of your guests", and leave it there. If they aren't contributing, they don't get a say.
If they have been invited to the shower, they will need an invitation to the wedding. If they haven't, then it's OK to say no.
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Savvy October 2023
Queen · on March 14, 2023 at 8:27 AM
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That’s ridiculous. I would run away with my fiancé and elope.. don’t tell anyone until you’re married. In-laws sound selfish and annoying
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Savvy October 2023
Queen · on March 14, 2023 at 8:28 AM
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You don’t have to invite anyone to your wedding that you don’t want to regardless of a shower you included them in.
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CM · on March 14, 2023 at 9:09 AM
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Etiquette says otherwise.
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Savvy October 2023
Queen · on March 14, 2023 at 9:13 AM
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It’s the bride and her husband’s day. “Etiquette” doesn’t override she and her husband’s happiness. To the poster, you should stressed because you are trying to make others happy and accommodate them while turning your back on yourself.

I had family drama when planing my wedding, that I was so stressed and overwhelmed. I ended up not inviting the 50 people I had planned and scaled it down to 10. We will be having a small intimate ceremony with folks we actually like and then will have a fun dinner. Happy memories to look back on. I wouldn’t want 20 or 10 random people to come to my wedding, eat, and be nosey.
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CM · on March 14, 2023 at 9:38 AM
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If that’s how she felt then the proper solution was not to agree to them being invited to the shower or not agreeing to the shower at all if it was conditional. Once you include others in your pre-wedding event, it's no longer just about you. An exception is something like a surprise office shower, where people do not expect a wedding invitation.

People do many self serving things but that doesn’t make it classy.
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VIP October 2022
Paige · on March 14, 2023 at 6:00 PM
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I agree with all of this. Unless the extra 10 were invited to the shower or something, I say put your foot down. "Unfortunately, we aren't able to accommodate more than your 10 friends we allowed you to invite," and don't entertain "solutions" or any further conversation on the matter.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Krystyna · on March 14, 2023 at 6:52 PM
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I would allow the extra people the keep the in laws happy especially if they are willing to pay and the venue has the capacity. At least they aren’t trying to demand people be invited and offering nothing to offset the cost.
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Just Said Yes October 2023
Samantha · on March 15, 2023 at 10:13 AM
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Thank you all for your input! We've decided to put the extra 10 on our B list and that seemed to be a good compromise. Thanks again!
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 16, 2023 at 2:27 PM
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In today’s society, it’s assumed that the couple is paying, not the parents. That is why when someone offers money towards the wedding, final say in decisions is shifted to the benefactor, not the couple getting married. Also, parents already got married and many were planned by their parents so they try to live vicariously through their children.

Parents and in laws can host friends and relatives at another time that is not your wedding. People should be willing to respect this when you and fiancé together set and maintain firm boundaries and say no. Change the subject, walk away, hang up the phone, but make it clear that there are consequences when people overstep boundaries. Be aware that if you cave now, they will continue the overstepping after the wedding.
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Just Said Yes April 2024
MarMar · on March 17, 2023 at 12:50 PM
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These aren't "random" people though? It's not like they are strangers off the street. They are your future family's friends!! I think if they expected you to pay for the extra 10 people, that would be unreasonable. But they offered to pay. I just think the justification of not wanting "random" people at your wedding is not fair, because that's not really the case here.
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Dedicated July 2024
Lorrisa · on March 17, 2023 at 12:59 PM
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If you and your husband are funding the entire wedding, I'd say they can only invite as many as you allow. It's your budget and your day. I understand that traditionally friends of family are invited, but there's got to be a cutoff somewhere. Just my opinion
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on March 17, 2023 at 4:36 PM
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If the parents want to host a party for their friends, they are welcome to do that. The wedding is not the appropriate time and place for such a party so the parents need to find another date at a different time of the year to do so.
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Just Said Yes April 2024
MarMar · on March 17, 2023 at 4:43 PM
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Super hard disagree. A child getting married is a pretty big deal and an exciting time for parents. Besides, my issue here is her saying "random people". They are not random people and it's rude to consider her future family's guest list this way.
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Just Said Yes April 2023
Stephanie · on March 17, 2023 at 5:32 PM
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Ummm. It's your wedding, girl. Don't let anyone try to tell you who they should be inviting. Trust me.
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