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Just Said Yes June 2024

aita for not wanting to invite my mil to dress shopping

Emily, on August 17, 2022 at 7:04 AM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 15

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Now me and my MIL are not close...at all. There's been on and on tension for the past 5 years just sitting there. I'd have to watch my every move it felt like.

Till we got engaged in Oct 2021. She then pushed for a wedding all the holidays. Thanksgiving, Christmas, any time we would see her really. She wanted a date and if we didn't have one she would get furious. Saying rude and hurtful comments as well. We wanted to enjoy being engaged.
It wasn't till April 2022 that she really tried to get us to do a wedding by the Winter for her dying father (Winter date not implied at all by the way. She just wanted us to pick a date). Now I didn't think she would get upset if we said no because she said it was up to us to decide. She then offered us 5k to "think about it". But when we picked the date....July 2023....we thought she was okay with it. Till she started getting really bad...and stressing me out. So we went to talk to her and she started to cry immediately. Saying that she did all she could to move up the wedding to the Winter and that she ultimately failed. Said "you know how it feels for people to ask me why it's not a church wedding, or why the bride wants to wear black." "You know how many people are asking me why you guys arent having a sooner wedding for my father?" And so on and so forth. I was livid. But I knew there was no talking to her. So I just let her go. I dissociated...which I have a problem with. She didn't even notice, nor care.
We ended up just forgetting everything and starting over. I told my fiance that i didnt know if i could forget everything she said to me. She said my wedding would look like a funeral. That everyone would be depressed.
We picked a date in 2024 and I thought she maybe realized I was stressed and not having fun planning my own wedding. She even asked us if we weren't having fun planning the wedding. We immediately said NO.
Fast forward to August....long story short, I know nothing about dresses. Not my size, or body shape...or what would look good on me. I didn't want to waste everyone's time by me saying "idk idk". Also, my Fiancé has a sister that their parents make really insecure about her own body and she talks to me about it all the time.....she didn't want to be criticized by them as she tried on dresses. So I was going to try to get his sister to go along with to look. But when they said she couldn't come over because they needed her home (they could spare her one day. She's home all the time cleaning and helping around the house as is), I was livid. I tried to stand my ground and why. My MIL said "Was I not going to be invited to go along too?" She wouldn't have been able to and she would have had to cancel on me anyway for other reasons. I told her no though, that I didn't want a huge crowd when I didn't even know what I wanted. And I personally just get this huge wave of anxiety every time I thought of her dress shopping because she doesn't want me in a black dress, she won't be supportive and she'll just either hate every dress or bite her own tongue. How is that helpful? Anyway, so they kept their daughter hostage, said "I didn't say she could go" (we had this planned for over a week that she was coming over and spending time with me. No, I didn't tell them we were going dress shopping because I knew she would act like this). In the end, I just cancel the appointment because I was so livid and knew I wouldn't enjoy the day because I knew if I went anyway I would get repercussions. My Fiancé as well.
I'm again starting to just be unhappy about wedding planning....im not sure what to do at this point....

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15 Comments

Latest activity by Juliana, on September 16, 2022 at 12:48 AM

Super May 2022
Erin · on August 17, 2022 at 7:46 AM
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You are NOT obligated to take your FMIL dress shopping with you. I didn’t take mine. I only wanted the two people that had known me my whole life: my mom and sister. When asked by her if I was dress shopping yet, I would give her vague answers and not offer up a lot of detail. The same can be done here. Now, my situation was sort of different b/c I’m not close to my SIL like you are to your FSIL, but I’d say if she’s too connected to FMIL, plan to go without her.

By the way, your FMIL shows glaring signs of being a narcissistic parent. They see their children as extensions of themselves rather than unique individuals like everyone is, so they obsess how their image looks to other people (those rude rhetorical questions she spat at y’all about how your wedding will look to her friends). Because of that, they try to force their opinions and values on their children because as a narcissist, they believe theirs are the correct ones and if their children think differently, that’s a huge problem for them.
Set boundaries NOW. Put FMIL on an “information diet” - don’t share much about the planning. If she brings something up and tries to push what she wants on you, stand your ground. I highly recommend your FH be the one to do it if possible, but if she corners you alone, still stand your own ground. Talk with your FH on how often you are comfortable having to see her - whether it’s every other week, once a month, etc.
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Expert September 2022
EGD · on August 17, 2022 at 8:52 AM
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NTA I had a similar situation with my FMIL. Who honestly doesn't like me and lets it be known (she's also a narcissist and I agree with the PP that your FMIL also shows signs of being one)
Randomly one day at dinner she stated she'd "love to go dress shopping with me, it'd make her feel so special" I told her no, I was only bringing my mom, MOH and best friend. She cried and said that was so unfair and I should want to involve her. I kept saying no, FH told her to let it go and she wouldn't. I had to put my foot down and tell her absolutely not. Wedding dress shopping is not meant to be something done in front of a bunch of people, and I not being a standard sample size was worried about nothing fitting me and having body parts hanging out and she didn't need to see that much of me, while the 3 people I was taking with me have seen me naked numerous times so I wasn't uncomfortable in front of any of them.
She finally gave up, but now I have to hear about how awful I am for not showing her pictures of the dress, I do not personally have any pictures of my dress cause if I did I would 100% show my FH lol
I echo PP, keep her on an information diet, only give her "need to know" information nothing more.
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Rosebud · on August 17, 2022 at 11:41 AM
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No I don't think you are doing anything wrong here. If you do not have a close relationship with her and don't feel comfortable having her there dont. I did invite his mom to come dress shopping a. she s awesome and we are super close and b. she has all boys has mentioned that while she loves her boys dearly she s always missed doing some of the girl mom things. It meant a lot to her to be included and maybe even more importantly it meant a lot to my FH. So she came and we had a great time. Do what works best for you though, sorry she s causing you so much unneeded stress, good luck!
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VIP October 2022
Paige · on August 17, 2022 at 12:13 PM
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Definitely NTA. Most wedding things are about you and your future spouse, but dress shopping is 100% YOUR DAY! YOU get to decide who you want there, YOU decide what you like, YOU decide who gets to see pictures, YOU decide who all goes to fitting appointments, etc. If you don't want your FMIL to be there, then that's your call (she doesn't sound like someone I'd want to shop with either tbh).
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Dedicated December 2023
Marlee · on August 17, 2022 at 12:26 PM
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Wow, she sounds really manipulative. That fact that you tried to talk to her about the problems, and she started crying and turned it around on you... it's like she googled "how to gaslight".
To answer the original question, you are NTA. You're under no obligation to include anyone in dress shopping, ESPECIALLY someone who won't be a positive, supportive presence. So many brides have body image issues, so it can be a particularly stressful step in wedding planning. I have a good relationship with my FMIL and I'm confident that she would never body-shame me, but she's STILL not coming dress shopping. I want it to be just my mom, and I'm allowed to make that choice.
Does your partner stick up for you when these things happen? You might never be able to change your MIL, but you as a couple should probably establish what you expect of him. That could turn into a problem for your marriage.
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Champion December 2022
Michelle · on August 17, 2022 at 1:58 PM
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Not inviting along someone you have no relationship with is normal.
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Just Said Yes June 2024
Emily · on August 17, 2022 at 6:52 PM
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Thank you guys! I have read all of your comments and I appreciate each and every one of them. It's going to be a long 2 years and any other advice is greatly appreciated. I'll definitely stick her on an information diet but I know she's going to become a MIL-zilla the closer it comes to the wedding. As far as decisions, I know she's not going to want to hear mine! I just hope it doesn't affect my FSIL and they pull her from the wedding.
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Devoted July 2021
Gillian · on August 17, 2022 at 8:34 PM
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I think everyone has already covered the important aspects of this post so I will say good luck! You have plenty of time to dress shop, especially if you’re getting married in 2024. Avoid shopping for the time being and just do what you can to enjoy this time with your fiancé
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Just Said Yes June 2023
Ofelia · on August 18, 2022 at 2:40 AM
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Wedding Planning is stressful enough. If she doesn't respect your wishes...I say think about Elopement and bring your sister in law as your witness!!
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Just Said Yes June 2024
Emily · on September 2, 2022 at 9:34 AM
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So she has gotten worse. She is now on a tyrant because I told her I didn't want her dress shopping. She is accusing me of being a liar and a child and that I'm not letting her have peace. That not everything is about me. I hate confrontation because of how my father physically, mentally and emotionally abused me growing up. She's calling me a child and that she's not in high school anymore yet posts on Facebook. I honestly don't know what to do anymore....talking to her and putting her on an information diet has made her worse.
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Rosebud · on September 2, 2022 at 11:26 AM
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What does your fiancé say about her behavior, I think he needs to have a chat with his mom about respecting you and your decisions and not speak poorly of his soon to be wife on social media. Also this continued behavior will not only effect her future relationship with you but him as well. He should definitely be defending you and putting up some hard boundaries. Keep your distance sorry she s acting so childish. Hope it improves , just remember the only thing you can control is your reaction to the nonsense. Try not to let her upset you (easier said then done I know).
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Just Said Yes June 2024
Emily · on September 2, 2022 at 11:31 AM
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He has had a chat with her and it did not help. Thankfully he has defended me but she constantly attacks me to him as if this isn't how he feels as well. He still wants her there but at this point I can't have her there. She doesn't like anything about our wedding. So why would I want her at our wedding? She has basically implied that he doesn't actually know who I am and how I am. We've been together for 6 years and friends/bsf for 10. He knows me more than anyone. More than my own father. He's realizing that he doesn't really know his mom because we don't know why she took a full 360 since we've gotten engaged.
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Rosebud · on September 2, 2022 at 11:53 AM
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That’s really sad😔. It’s good that he defends you but it can’t just be empty words there has to be some consequences to her behavior. Definitely not making excuses for her but maybe she s having a hard time realizing her son is all grown up and creating his own path. Even though weddings are joyful they can be a little sad for people and the changes in relationships. Sounds like she s having some big emotions and rather then dealing with them like an adult she s taking it out on you. I m sorry she is putting a damper on this joyful time for both you. Sending you love 💕
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Just Said Yes June 2024
Emily · on September 2, 2022 at 11:55 AM
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Thank you Rosebud ❤ I really appreciate it. I honestly can not wait till it's all over.
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Dedicated October 2022
Juliana · on September 16, 2022 at 12:48 AM
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Umm hold on this is YOUR wedding it is 100% all about you!
Definitely NTA! She honestly sounds like a horrible person.
My life philosophy is I will give you what you give me and you have to give me respect in order to receive mine. No matter who's mom you are. If she can't speak to you nicely she doesn't need to speak to you at all. Wedding planning is stressful but it should somewhat be fun don't let toxic people bring you down. Hopefully you guys can hold a united front and begin to enjoy things more.
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