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aita for not wanting my Mil's bf?

Pos, on August 28, 2022 at 5:16 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 8
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I got engaged just this July and we're getting married soon. I just want to get married to my FH asap. We're inviting 10 people to a 15-minute ceremony. Both me and my FH don't want my MILs bf to be there since we barely know him and we want our day to only be with the very special people we love. His mother is insisting though and even planned to take him with her as a surprise even though he already said no. And now she's indecisive whether to attend our little wedding or not. After hours of talking, he said that he wouldn't want him there but he can swallow his pride just for his mom. But I feel like the exact opposite because I truly truly only want people there who have known us and are genuinely happy for us. We have already decided that we'll have a 2nd and bigger wedding later on. He's told his mother about it but she still keeps on insisting the bf. Our first and only meeting with the bf was not so good. In short, he's insignificant to us thus leading to the ddcision of not wanting him there. I said to my FH that it won't matter to me if his mother will be angry or upset that day, as long as she comes if she truly wants to because I would really want her there of course, just not her bf. Am I the @***le here?

8 Comments

Latest activity by Rabreena, on August 29, 2022 at 9:33 AM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    You said it doesn't matter if she's upset that day, but does it matter if she comes at all? It sounds like she's prepared to decline your invite if you're not inviting her SO. While I understand wanting what you want, SOs are usually a given to be invited and it can be seen as you disrespecting her relationship by telling her she can't bring him. Also think long and hard about how it will affect your relationship with her long term if she chooses not to come to your wedding.
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    In short, yes you are. You're asking someone to come celebrate your relationship while disrespecting/disregarding theirs. So I completely understand why your future MIL is upset by this because I would be too.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    While I totally understand your reasoning for not wanting to invite him, I think you need to look beyond your wedding - you are marrying into this family and could potentially cause severe, irreparable damage to your relationship with your MIL. As you said, you are having a short 15 minute ceremony. Is it worth all the drama and damaging your relationship with your FMIL just to not have her significant other present for 15 minutes?
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  • P
    Pos ·
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    Well, that's also the other thing. We barely have a relationship with her either since she leaves 8h away. We've met halfways a few times but the last time someone came over it was us who went to her place. So my FH has told her that it's her turn to come over to our place. Everytime she planned on coming, she would always cancel the last minute. And the last time she cancelled, we came to know that she cancelled just to see her bf's also grown-up kids in London together with him the same weekend. So my FH feels like his efforts are not reciprocated leading to an already damaged relationship between them. And of course, I hate to see my FH like this and not feeling the love he deserves cause I know how much he is willing to do for his mom. So frankly, it would of course hurt if this little wedding would damage our relationship even more but it feels like it wouldn't do much difference either.
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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Family is for a long time. Sounds like you're being disrespectful of the MIL's relationship. Sounds like she's being flaky with plans to see you guys, but she's is mother. So to answer your question, respectfully, yes.

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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Yes, you are. Let your FS decide how he wants to have a relationship with his mother. It's shortsighted to deem them "insignificant" when you don't know them. And you may decide not to have the larger wedding at all.
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    Yes you are. While it's your wedding too, it's up to your FH to decide how to handle the situation. The same way that the bride doesn't dictate who the groom gets to pick for their party, and so forth. She is a adult in a relationship and as a guest of honor, she has a right to a +1. You will only look back on your ceremony and be pissed that he was there if you choose to be. Pick your battles friend!

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  • Rabreena
    Expert October 2021
    Rabreena ·
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    My advice is go ahead and allow your FMIL's bf to attend, especially since your FH already stated that he is willing to swallow his pride for his Mom then you should as well. Now If any pictures are going to be taken that day, that's when I say you have the right to not allow him to be in any of the pictures, as long as your FH also agrees. Now if the bf acts out at any point then you and your FH have the right to have him escorted out. You did say that you plan on having a larger wedding later on, so if the relationship doesn't last between them then it won't be any worry to you later on during the planning of it.

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