Aftermath

I'm sorry you feel hurt - but please try to not hold this against your son! Maybe sit down with him for a heart-to-heart requesting him to explain his decision. Try to see his viewpoint! I hope your son didn't intentionally snub you and your husband. Wishing you the best of luck!

Perhaps his wife felt closer to her extended family than he does to his. Perhaps it simply wasn't important to him to have his aunts and uncles at his wedding. Have you asked your son why he didn't invite your siblings?

I agree with the previous poster, maybe he didn’t feel as close to his aunts and uncles as she did. I personally would have done the same thing as him. I’m not close to my parents’ siblings.

Like many people have said maybe he didn't feel as close to your siblings as his wife does. Many men don't feel that attached to their extended families. You could ask him if there was a reason why, but be prepared for an opinion you might not like.
I'm not close with my aunt's and uncles so in the same situation I wouldn't have invited mine.

Maybe he doesn’t feel close to his extended family? We will be in a similar situation. My FSIL just got married this past weekend and FH’a entire extended family was there. It was very awkward for him because he doesn’t know these people. My FSIL confided that she regretted inviting all these people because it was so much drama and half of them she can’t stand. Our wedding is no more than 60 people and my FH’s only invited extended family are his godparents who he is close to. I on the other hand, will not have my parents there, but all of my cousins and aunts who I am very close to. Maybe it’s a similar situation. He should have explained it to you beforehand, just so there are no hurt feelings. My future in laws are already aware of the situation.

I’m sorry you’re hurt! I agree with PP that it’s possible she is closer to her aunts and uncles.

However I did want to ask- is it possible that your DIL’s parents paid for part of the wedding? We agreed on an immediate family, close friends wedding. My dad and stepmom offered to give us an amount that equals half our budget. We (me and FH) had already previously decided to invite one uncle- my dads brother, as he has given me a couple of significant gifts over the years, has made a true effort to help my brother and I. I couldn’t NOT invite him. Recently, my stepmom asked if she can invite one of her siblings, his wife, daughter and son in law.

We talked about it extensively and FH a and I decided ultimately that this was a reasonable request given the amount of money they are paying. We also decided that any more than this would be unfair and we would simply tell them no and offer to pay for everything ourselves as originally planned.
I understand your hurt, but keep in mind there could be extenuating circumstances. Maybe you could mention it to your son but just make sure you’re not accusatory, etc. Ultimately it was his and his wife’s day, not yours.

I’m a bride who’s probably going to be in this situation with my family.. FH is inciting almost his entire extended family, and I’m only inviting one aunt and her husband. The reasons for us personally are these:


He is much closer to his extended family members than I am to mine.
we see his family regularly and mine hardly ever reach out.
We are trying to keep our guest count under 100, and my entire extended family is huge and would minimize the rest of our guest allowance.

I just had the discussion about not inviting most of my aunts and uncles with my mother today, and explained that Before creating our guest list we had some hard and fast rules to help limit our numbers. When it came to family, we chose that anyone who had not seen or even contacted us purposefully within the past year would not be invited. We felt that was the easiest way to easily cut people off who weren’t actively involved in our lives.

It sounds callus, but this is our second wedding, and we are paying for the entire thing ourselves. So keeping our guest list small, and allowing the people who are the most important to us at this time of our lives to be there were priorities.

I am a bride also sort of in this situation. We decided we wanted a small wedding, it's our immediate families, all grandparents, and we each picked two families that are important to us. There are a few stragglers as well (3 people, 2 of which require a plus one), and we let each set of parents pick one couple to bring. For me, one of the families I picked is one of my aunts. They are my only aunt/uncle in the state and only aunt/uncle I am close with. For my fiance, it did not make sense for him to pick family, but after speaking with his parents we decided to invite one of his uncles and his wife. We went to each of our parents and told them about our small wedding plan and told them that this was us asking: they are paying for the wedding, and if this is going to cause issues we don't know about and be dramatic, we won't do it. All parents said not to worry about that. I still would have felt obligated to double check with parents if we were footing the bill, but at that point it would have been more of a kindly letting them know. Note that in a different situation, we may not have asked, if we weren't very close to our families or if the small wedding had been about money, but we are fortunate in that if we wanted a "big" (175 pple) wedding it would not have been an issue, so if our parents said it would be trouble we would have probably gone big.

My grandmother is extremely upset her son in a different state, who I have met maybe 4 times, is not invited. She has gone about gossiping to the whole family about it without speaking with me, my grandpa sat me down and hollered at me about how upsetting this is and how I was going to tear the family apart with my small wedding. They kept saying the amount of gift money from them surely will cover the amount to have them there, as if it's a money issue, and many more things about how things won't be the same if I do this. In my experience and from my perspective: the way my grandparents reacted to this situation has strained my relationship with them more than anything, more than any other relationship will be strained by me not inviting them to my wedding. What I am saying is, be careful what you do here. Don't speak with other family about it unless you are defending your sons decision, it will most definitely get back to him. When you speak to your son, have a goal in mind, don't just be venting and seeking an apology, be looking to guide him. "I'm sorry I didn't speak to you before the wedding about this, and I don't mean to stress you. Just so you know, so and so are upset they were not invited to the wedding. They understand it was small, but it seems like a lot of your wife's family was there that would be the equivalent to family on our end that was not invited, and that is why so and so are upset. What's done is done, but next time everyone gets together, I'm just letting you know there is some damage control that needs done that I don't think is fair to me to have to be doing. I am trying to defend your decision best I can, but I myself am also still trying to understand it, so it's hard for me. What would you and your wife like me to say to family when it comes up, and I will say that, or nothing at all and I'll tell them to speak with you about it if that's what you'd prefer. As you know, especially with a small wedding, you will not make everyone happy, and I'm sure you thoroughly thought about the pros and cons when deciding to do it, I just need you to recognize that I need to be included in communication with you in this area, because it affects me a lot, maybe even more than you. My siblings who feel upset will not be coming to you about this, they are coming to me, and I am feeling overwhelmed. Can you and wifes name please work with me in dealing with this aftermath?"

I know it feels like things will never be the same, but I imagine it will be fine depending on how you react. You can be on your sons team while still being confused about his choice. Consider yourself as someone to help him, as you have always been. If you and a few siblings who are ok with his decision have louder voices than those who are upset, the people who are upset will back down and re evaluate.

I'm sorry for the tricky situation! My husband and I had almost this exact same scenario. I have more local family that I'm close to than my husband does, and I'd never met an aunt and uncle on his dad's side (we did invite the aunt he's close to). My husband's dad was upset and told us so. We, however, were paying for the wedding and wanted it to be very personal and intimate. I told my FIL that the wedding wasn't a meet and greet or catch up session. My husband hadn't seen those family members for years, so them coming to the wedding we had didn't make sense for us. Most likely your son and his wife have similar reasons. Guest lists for small weddings are really difficult.

I'd follow up with your son and ask him what the reasoning was. I'm sorry your hurt, but there may have been financial reasons why. At this point it might just be good to let it go.... perhaps it would have been better to ask before the event and offer to pay for additions if it were a financial issue? Maybe theres other drama your not aware of?

Ultimately it is their day and their decision, but it may ease feelings to know the reasoning.