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Beginner October 2021

Advice

Jenna, on May 14, 2020 at 9:48 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 13
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My fiance has picked five people for his side. I have picked four so far, but I would like one more so that we are even. I have a friend "Jane" that I have known for many years and she is also really good friends with my best friend who is my maid of honor. But Jane isn't the most reliable so I am worried if I can count on her to be a bridesmaid. I have another friend "Jake" that I have also known for many years and I am really close to. I would much prefer him over Jane, but he is currently looking to buy a house and plans on proposing to his girlfriend soon. I am worried he will feel obligated to say yes, but might not have the means to actually be in the wedding. I also don't know how his girlfriend soon to be fiancee would feel about him being in my wedding. Our wedding is about two hours from where all of our guests live so either one would most likely need to get a hotel for the night before the wedding and the night of the wedding unless they want to travel back home after the rehearsal. They would also need to purchase their attire for the wedding. If I went with Jane, she would need to pay for her own hair and makeup if she choose to have it professionally done as it is optional. Any advice?

13 Comments

  • Leanne
    Devoted September 2020
    Leanne ·
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    Ask yourself in 20 years will you look back and still be in touch with these people? I would be very selective with who you have in your bridal party, I don’t think having uneven side by one person will even be noticeable
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  • Nicole
    Rockstar November 2020
    Nicole ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Leanne. If they’re not a part of your nearest and dearest, then don’t ask. My FH has 5 on his side and I have 3. It’s going to look fine no matter what.
    • Reply
  • J
    Beginner October 2021
    Jenna ·
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    I would say that I could see myself staying friends with Jake, but maybe not Jane. My best friend "Ashley" is better friends with Jane than I am. Ashley lives 3 hours from me so I see her like once a month. Sometimes Jane will hang out with us. I have actually known Jane longer than Ashley, but I feel like I've really only stayed friends with her because she is friends with Ashley. As for Jake, him and I met in college. We don't often see each other because he lives 2 hours from me, but we text and Snapchat all of the time. I would say he is definitely one of my closer friends. Most of my bridal party is made up of family rather than friends though. I think my concern with asking him is how his girlfriend will feel about him being in another girl's wedding and him feeling obligated to say yes, but not having the money to actually be in the wedding.
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  • M
    Super January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    Thirding the "don't choose people just to have even sides" advice. And definitely don't choose people based on their finances or what you think they can do/buy/show up for. If they are your nearest and dearest, the money aspect won't matter. If they aren't, they don't need to be in your wedding party.

    This site is positively littered with stories of bridal parties gone wrong, and the root cause is often that people were chosen for the wrong reasons.

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  • J
    Beginner October 2021
    Jenna ·
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    I would say that Jake is definitely one of my closer friends. Most of my bridal party is made up of family except for my maid of honor. I think my hesitation with asking Jake is because I don't know how his girlfriend would feel about him being in my wedding and I don't want to feel obligated to say yes when he is planning on proposing and buying a house. My mom thinks I should ask him and if he can't afford to be a part of the wedding then he will say no. I just hate to put him in an uncomfortable situation. As for Jane, I only really hang out with her when I'm hanging out with my best friend/maid of honor since they are also friends, but I have actually known Jane longer than her.
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  • J
    Beginner October 2021
    Jenna ·
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    I would consider Jake one of my closest friends, but not so much Jane. I only really hang out with Jane if she is hanging out with my best friend/maid of honor since they are friends, but I have known Jane longer. I'm worried about Jake feeling obligated to say yes and how his girlfriend would feel about him being in my wedding.
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  • Melle
    Rockstar June 2019
    Melle Online ·
    • Flag

    It just sounds like jake is a better choice to ask. i feel like there's no harm in asking jake, though.

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  • Nicole
    Rockstar November 2020
    Nicole ·
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    It sounds as though Jake is the one you should ask to be in your party. I wouldn't worry about how his girlfriend feels about being in your wedding; you're his friend and that will be his decision to accept or decline the request. If he does decline, however, I say to then just keep your sides uneven instead of asking Jane to fill in.

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    Don’t choose either of them. You’re not close enough that you wanted them in your bridal party in the first place, don’t have them in the wedding just to fill some number.
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated October 2021
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    I have to agree with Caytlyn on this--if neither Jake nor Jane were your first thoughts when you asked yourself "who do I really want next to me when I get married" then you'd probably be more comfortable with them as guests.

    Even sides are vastly overrated, and no one should ever pick a "back-up" choice (or kick someone off the list) just to fill a spot

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  • H
    Expert June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    I agree with Caytlyn and Megan. Having perfectly even sides is overrated, and not necessary. I would only have the people who you are truly closest too, and simply not ask either of them!

    • Reply
  • J
    Beginner October 2021
    Jenna ·
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    I actually haven't asked anyone yet. Both of them immediately came to mind because them friends. I would consider Jake one of my close friends, but because he is proposing and buying a house i didn't know if it was a good idea to have him in the wedding.
    • Reply
  • M
    Dedicated October 2021
    Megan ·
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    If they both came to mind immediately, then I'm a bit confused as to why you posted--it seems like they're in a battle (in your own mind) over the "last place" spot in your bridal party.

    You've described Jake favorably while Jane, not so much. You can ask Jake if you'd like. He can make a decision based on his own financial/timing circumstances.

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