Advice on eloping

Don't start your marriage by deceiving everyone in your life about what they're being invited to witness. How would you expect the person doing the ceremony to hide that? Also marriages are usually a matter of public record, so it would show up that you're married.

If you want to get married now, then do that and have a vow renewal/celebration of marriage later.

That’s also what we are doing. I don’t know how it will feel in the end. I mean I know people in my family who eloped and still did the ceremony and reception. No one I know was really mad about it or even knew and even after they did, they didn’t care. But that’s my family. I still haven’t decided if we are going to have another “ceremony” or not.

I suggest being open about the fact that you're married when you elope or have your wedding now. When the time does come for a ceremony, you will have nothing to sign or file meaning your officiant will also have to know you're already married which can easily trickle to others finding out and being upset about it. People get married for all sorts of reasons due to timing (insurance, green cards, pregnancy, etc.) - nothing to be embarrassed by but worth being open about.

Don’t lie to your guests. People have the right to the truth and to prioritize the event accordingly. The truth always comes out and you run the very real risk of people you care about being annoyed or worse. Bad idea.

I agree with everyone else, you shouldn't lie to your guests about already being married. However, I also don't think you need to make a huge announcement about it either. On your invitations, instead of saying "wedding", I would simply say "you are invited to the celebration of marriage of (bride's name) and (groom's name). Obviously I would tell your immediate family (parents, siblings) and closest friends that you are getting married now, because it would come off as secretive and/or dishonest if they find out later. But would I make it a point to call up people I don't speak to on the regular to announce it? - No.

As far as the vow renewal "feeling special"... I think it will completely depend on you and how you view it. My brother and SIL did this and I'll be honest, they didn't think it felt like a "wedding". They were already married and FELT married.... so it didn't hold that excitement any longer. It just felt like a party. That's not to say they didn't have a good time though! It just didn't hold the same excitement for them as a wedding.

Do not start your marriage with lying to loved ones. There is no shame in a true elopement whether in front of a judge at the courthouse or an officiant on the beach. But don’t lie to guests that the legal ceremony is not a wedding and that it never took place. Contrary to popular opinion that the Wedding Industry promotes post-Covid, an elopement is the actual wedding and anything following is a renewal of vows because no divorce has taken place in between. Officiants must be told the truth at the time they are consulted before booking because you run the risk of them losing their license to perform weddings permanently on the grounds of fraud. Yes people do find out and they do take it seriously that a wedding has already taken place. Not everyone enjoys attending a reception for a ceremony that they were never invited to. We have attended a couple pre-Covid military renewals that were presented as the actual wedding ceremony and it backfired badly because parents let it slip at the receiving line that it was not the legal ceremony, as that took place the month prior, and guests took their gifts and cards and walked out. They also cut off ties socially with parents at church and other places in the community. Instead of lying to loved ones, move forward and invite them to a backyard party in your home that is not wedding related.

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Ironic. They are SO angry that they feel the couple acted in poor etiquette, so they turn around and act even worse?? LOL Those people sound absolutely miserable. Who takes their gifts and storms out of an event?! I've literally never in my life seen childish and entitled behavior like that. Adults who were raised with manners do not throw fits like this. Then they cut them off in the community and AT CHURCH?! Over a military couple signing a piece of paper before the celebration with their "loved ones"?! Sounds like those people need to listen closer to the sermons in church, because I don't know a single religion that advocates such horrible treatment of others.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this take. The whole secret ceremony thing is such a huge social faux pas on these forums, and I honestly don’t get it. While I agree that the best approach is to host a celebration of love instead of a wedding (and yes, definitely make sure the officiant is fully aware that you’re already married because that affects the language they’re able to use at the ceremony/they won’t be part of the signing of the license!!) so that it’s all out in the open, if I attended my friend’s wedding and in the middle they announced surprise we already eloped, I would be like cool, thanks for still inviting me to this free party that you totally could’ve just saved money and skipped at this point. Most people who take this approach have super legit reasons, like insurance, and I would just assume it was a private thing that I’m not entitled to know about and be excited that I still get to celebrate my friend’s love with them. I would definitely make sure your immediate family knows about the elopement closer in time to the actual elopement, though. Those are the people more likely to be hurt by but knowing they have a new family member for a whole year.