Advice Needed

My friend experienced this. his mom is a devout christian and she was so against him marrying a non christian that she didn't even go to the wedding. but he had tried to appease her by having a ceremony in a church. she still didn't go. i recognize that this is not a good example aha or that i hope you won't be discouraged by that example.

but what i am basically saying is that you just have to express you are having a catholic ceremony and would love for them to be there but ultimately it's their choice. it would be great if they can come and support you. you can't force them to go so there's really only so much you can do.

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Thank you so much, Melle! I feel sorry that your friend's parents missed out on his big day because they couldn't accept the person he fell in love with and chose to make his wife. You are right! I can only be upfront and honest with them and can't control their choices. I am planning for the worst but hoping for the best. I appreciate your support!

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I hope they are able to come through and support you.

My mother also did the same thing to me. My fiance & I bought our home first and a year later got engaged and she believed I was not valuing myself. At the end of the day I just had to let her know I will do things my way. She can choose to be there for me or not in which she did. We also chose to not let anyone else pay for our wedding so no one can ever hold that against us. We all have different scenarios so I am sure you are the only one that knows how your parents will be. I would suggest talking to them but remain firm.

My parents, my brother and his wife are very religious, but my husband doesn't believe in God. We moved in together before we got married. In fact, we lived together for three years and half years before our wedding. My parents would occasionally make comments about us cohabiting or the fact that my husband doesn't believe in God. When we got engaged, we made the decision not to have our wedding at a Church or have religion really be a part of our wedding. We did have a prayer before dinner because my husband thought it would look weird for my family to pray at their table when no one else would be. My brother, who was my bride's man, gave a toast at the reception rather than my maid of honor then he was the one that lead the prayer. I know my family would have loved if we would have gotten married at their church or by their pastor, but I made it clear very early on that just wasn't going to happen. I'm sure they were disappointed, but they accepted my decision. I would recommend sitting down with your parents and explain that you've decided to have your wedding at X place, but you plan on being married by a Catholic priest and hopefully that will satisfy them. It's definitely unfortunate when your family can't accept decisions you've made for yourself.

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Thank you for sharing, Brenda! It helps to know I am not alone in this. I am happy to hear your mom came around and decided to be a part of your day. I am hoping the same for mine and that she can put her difference in opinion aside for a day and give us the love and support we need!

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Thanks so much, Veronica! I am glad you and your husband stuck to your guns and did what was right for your marriage. I am trying to stay strong in my decision, and hold the support we do have, close! I like the idea of having a prayer said and still incorporate some smaller Catholic traditions within our ceremony. Hopefully that will suffice and will encourage my parents to have a change of heart (even if it's just for one day!).

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I sure hope it works out for you. I understand being sad that someone might not attend that you thought would. My grandfather disowned my family about a year before my wedding. I invited him, but he didn't attend. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I was surrounded by friends and family that loves and supports us.

Unless you’re ok not having the wedding you want, I’m not sure I’d discuss it with them or they may make demands of your wedding in order for them to attend. I would hope they’d attend or they could further cause a rift between you guys.

I have a similar experience, with also growing up Catholic. The difference with me is that both my older siblings no longer go to any church, my FH and I don't live together yet, and my parents are helping with the wedding, so here's what happened...
Like you, I no longer am a practicing Catholic after quite literally feeling like I was an outcast in the church among the people around me at church. My FH is Christian and we both go to a nondenominational church that his parents go to. I had been having my feelings of unease at the Catholic church for years, and when I started to go to my FH's church I would literally get overwhelmed with emotion that I had found a home for myself. My parents straight up asked me if I was planning on getting married in the Catholic church and I said no because I wasn't going to force my FH into a religion that he didn't understand or agree with. Well they were not happy at all! I'm pretty sure they even ignored me for a couple days afterward. But I'm the youngest and I'm the only one going to a church anymore. I talked to my FH about it and I told him that even if they didn't want to help pay for it, I was going to get married where I wanted because it's where I'm happy. I felt like it was my parent's problem if they didn't agree with where I wanted to get married.
I think they talked to some people they know about all of it because they are helping us pay for it, and they do adore my FH and his parents, and I'm sure they can see how happy he makes me. With that said, my mom's brother is upset thag I'm not getting married in the catholic church and told her he wouldn't pay for it if I was his daughter... I honestly feel like that's his problem 🤷🏻‍♀️ he's also someone who wants to control his kids lives. With my siblings the way they are, I think my parents are just glad that we are getting married in a church, that we go to church, abd those sort of things.
I think you should have the kind of wedding YOU want to have. This definitely has caused tension in my relationship with my parents, but my mom has said to me recently that I'm still her daughter and she would still help us out with anything if we need it. It seems like your parents are hurt by it, but they should still love you as you are a part of them! It might take some time, but I bet they come around and will support you in any way they can. Stay strong girl! If you want someone to talk about it, I'll listen!

DH is Catholic, and wanted to get married in the Church. So, I agreed, we did precana.... and it was truly awful for me. Like, actively traumatic. Then, instead of helping us figure out why I struggled with it, the priest just said "no" 3 1/2 months before the wedding.

So, that was fun.

Turns out, my in-laws didn't CARE where we got married. They wanted us to be happy.

In the end, we had a friend officiate the wedding, and he blended some Catholic traditions with my own more agnostic beliefs, and his view of us as a friend.

You have the wedding you want, do not try to appease parents or other people. This is about your relationship, not theirs.

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I am sorry that happened to you! We are planning to have a destination wedding, so I definitely can't have that happen, how horrible! I am so glad everything worked out in your favor (I do believe everything happens for a reason!). You are so right, I can't let others feelings/opinions about my decisions affect my happiness and what I want for our wedding.

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Thanks for your response, Carmen! I do have older siblings too, but they all got married in the Church and have become super religious (my youngest sister gets married in August in a Church too). The thing that makes me the most anxious is that I feel as though I have to explain myself and my reasoning for not wanting to get married in the Church because they don't see it my way. I don't have this long list of reasons, it's as simple as I want to be outdoors and that's what makes me/us happy. I have been to plenty of hour+ long ceremonies, with 300 guests (I have a huge family), Catholic weddings to know that is not for me. You are totally right - if someone wants to judge and be upset with our decision, that is THEIR problem! I am hoping this is playing out more dramatically in my head than how the conversation will go. haha I appreciate your support!!

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Good point! My mom is very type A, so she'll do just about anything to get her way. She has already missed out on a lot in our lives and I would hate for her to miss out on the biggest day of my life too!

View Quoted Comment Hmm.... then I think you already know how she might behave and what’s best for the both of you and your wedding vision. I do hope they attend! 🤗

I am sending you BIG vibes!! I was also raised Catholic and left the church a few years ago. Ours will still be in a church, but not a Catholic one, much to the chagrin of my mother. I KNOW my cousins, aunts, uncles, will make a big to-do about it (in a family of 90, I will be the first not-Catholic wedding) but it's OUR DAY and I will live my life how I choose. My brother ALWAYS said, if it's not a Catholic wedding, he won't be there. But once things got going, he saw the importance of being involved and celebrating a day that has NOTHING to do with my choices affecting him. I hope your parents react the same way.


I'm big about being genuine and not lying about my current faith. I won't apologize for choices I prayerfully made. I would hate for you to put a big show on for your parents and look back and feel resentment and bitterness about the day.

View Quoted Comment Audrey! Thank you so much for this! It’s comforting to know I am not the first bride to be in this situation (and sadly probably not the last). I also have a huge family, 65 first cousins or something ridiculous, with strong opinions about how I live my life. My aunt (godmother), already made it known how extremely disappointed she is that I no longer go to church and live with my now fiancé. I am purposely having a small wedding! I had to listen to what my family said about my cousin being married outside of the church (Ill be the second to do this). I don’t want the same drama he had, surrounding my day! Can I ask the points you laid out to your parents/brother as to why you didn’t have it in a Catholic Church?


I am glad to hear your brother came around and sees the importance of being a part of your day. I hope my parents can set aside their opinions/judgments/differences aside and give us the support I know we deserve!

Follow your heart and do your wedding the way you want to do it. Your parents will come around

View Quoted Comment Ugh I hate that your family is all up in your business!! I actually converted, I was re-baptized and am now Christian (when I invited my mom to the baptism, she said, "I was at the one that counted" 😳) and my dad and sister told me she cried for WEEKS that I was no longer Catholic. (She's not a crier.) When I told her this was a prayerful decision I made, she said, "that's just what people say to justify their sinful actions." So it was not a good time. I'll be honest, our relationship isn't the same. I think the benefit, was that this was a few years ago and she's had some time to cool off. We had a discussion where I said that I loved her and appreciate everything she's done for me and that I understood she wasn't happy with my decision. She came around and said, "I know I won't ways support what you do, but I'll do my best to support you." It's still a very sore subject. I think that you could sit with your family and say, "a priest will still be marrying us and we'll still be having all the reverence of a church wedding; I know that this isn't how you envisioned my wedding day, but I'm really blessed to have you still involved in my life and willing to love me through the ups and downs." If you appeal to their softer side, it may remind them what's most important--you're their daughter and they love you UNCONDITIONALLY. When is your wedding? Will they have some time to let the shock wear off?

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Thank you, MW! I really hope so!