Advice needed. Family member with the same wedding date.

You are 100% justified in your feelings, no matter what. This isn't your fault. If you were important to them, they would've payed better attention and wouldn't miss your day for the world. Since you clearly don't mean much to them and they're willing to steal YOUR show, I'd refrain from saying anything and just try to get as many family members as possible to come to your wedding as opposed to theirs, especially since your date has been set in stone for a year now. If you were to say something, I'd approach it very discretely - maybe try to email the aunt back and say "Did you mistake their date? That's the same day of my wedding." to see what her response is. Regardless, that's so not right! I can't believe they would do that. Out of all the dates they could've chosen... wow! So aggravating! I'm sorry that you're having to go through this. Try to stay as positive as possible and proceed as normal, but with a little more caution due to the upcoming uncertainty regarding COVID. I hope this process becomes a little more enjoyable for you! Good luck.

You have every right to be upset. I know if I was in your shoes I would be. If I was you I'd tell them that, thats your wedding date and that you had it picked out way before they were engaged and you are not changing it. I'd also mention to them how you had posted it all over Facebook and told everyone at Thanksgiving before they were even engaged. You definitely need to stand up for yourself and tell them. And if they don't change it well that just shows you how much your cousin and his immediate family care about you. Because I know if my cousin picked the same wedding date as me 5 months after I had set my date my aunt would be freaking out on him and make him change it.

View Quoted Comment I think she should definitely tell them regardless. And try and get them to change it. It wouldn't be a good idea to keep quiet about it. And trying to make everyone come to your wedding instead of theirs. Competing with her cousin to have more mutual family at her wedding instead. That's just a very bad idea and a bad look on her. You don't want to put mutual family members in the middle. It's not right. You definitely definitely need to confront them about it.

That's really rough. I think you have every right to be upset. I am amazed that none of your family has noticed or said anything? Despite the fact you gave them your save the date and posted your date, I would honestly guess they didn't realize, unless your cousin is really the kind of person that would want to spite you and compete for your family's attention. Perhaps his venue had very few dates and he picked the only one that worked for them without even thinking? Definitely think you should confront him directly and calmly to figure out how this happened.

I would bring it up to them. You have had your date, you already sent save the dates...the ball is in your court. I would do it while there’s still time before they send save the dates, etc.

Oh wow. That really sucks, I'm sorry. You have every single right to be upset. I agree with the PP - respond to the email by asking if she confused the dates since that's your wedding day and see what she says.


I know you said you posted on FB about the date and gave out STDs however I will say that my own family kept getting my actual wedding date wrong for months after receiving STDs and a year of me saying 8-8 to them. They knew it was in August but couldn't remember the actual date until right around Feb when we really started planning. I was gonna say that maybe they knew the month but not the date. However with 67 days left before your wedding date, your family should know the date by now so I can't imagine that being their excuse. And honestly I would probably say something if it was my cousin. I think at some point you should address this directly with your cousin and hear his side of the story. Maybe there was some type of miscommunication?
Either way, I'm sorry again.

Wow, you have every right to be upset! Please do not take this the wrong way, I'm hoping someone planning will also read this. You did everything right, except.... sending your STDs so early. I've said this a few times and I'm serious when I say this... I know as a bride how excited you are to send that STD, BUT.... sending it too early means it gets lost and people forget. Sending it around the Holidays is the absolute worst time, there are so many things happening in homes that they definitely get lost. So, aside from that shoulda, coulda information. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY right in feeling the way you do. I sent my STDs in March for our October 10 wedding and still have people asking me when it is and to some that date is already meaningful. LOL...

If you haven't already, I'd send your invitations out NOW and plan for your family or at least some not to be present. When your aunt told you of your cousin's date, did you remind your aunt that your wedding was already set on that same day? If not, I'd definitely confront and even talk to your cousin. This is something that can only be fixed with positive communication.

Wishing the best for you, I promise it will all work out.

Since you heard it from your aunt, I would email her back (can you reply all? Because honestly, that's what I would do) and say something like "Oh no, I think you had a typo on the email! October xx is Fiance's and my wedding date. I know you wouldn't forget, Aunt Whoever!"

Then let them be embarrassed and deal with it themselves.

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I don't think it's right to blame the bride for this. STDs can be sent up to a year in advance if you have people traveling...and maybe she wanted to actually hand them to her guests.

We sent our STDs in March for an October wedding...and then we texted people in July about our now-April wedding. We are not sending all new cards to everyone. If people forget, they forget. But a cousin setting their wedding date without stopping to check when any other events were? That's just them being an idiot.

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I DID NOT blame the Bride, I said this is a common error for ALL.... Yes, they can be sent a year in advance and MY EXPERIENCE is when they are sent TOO EARLY they get lost and forgotten about (especially around the holidays). Again, this is NOT THIS BRIDE'S FAULT.... That was a generalized statement in hopes future brides learn from us.

Yes, the issue here is the cousin which I also noted. But the only way to correct this is to talk directly to the family and kindly remind them of the STD. Nothing can be done if communication does not take place.

Oh wow, this sucks! Definitely sounds intentional on the part of your cousin. I would talk to your aunt ASAP. So sorry you have to deal with this

Hello everybody! So I have an update!


I had called my mom this morning because when I read the email it was late last night and I knew she was in bed. I also want to add this email was sent a week ago but my mom didn’t send it to me until now... and you’ll understand why. Well we had a long conversation and here is how it went:

She had called my aunt and asked her if it was a typo because that’s the date of my wedding. Well my aunt stumbled for an answer and told my mom she will get back to her. Well we got our answer today and when my cousin was bombarded with private messages from concerned relatives ( that I had no idea happened) he and his fiancé decided to change their date. Now one relative messaged his fiancé and she wasn’t happy about it and said that she didn’t think it would matter because she wasn’t sure if I was still having my wedding because of covid-19 ( which I had posted about twice that no matter what I wanted to be married because I’ve worked this hard and nothing was going to stop me) they officially changed their date to one week after mine... which as long as it’s not on the same day idc! My mom sent me the email last night but left out the part where they changed the date because she was so relieved she forgot... a honest mistake.. but now I feel a little ridiculous!
Now to figure out how to handle the mask mandate during my wedding reception... hoping that will go away by October 😩
Also not offended at all by the sending out save the dates too early... I knew it was too early but I had 3 friends and 2 relatives get engaged within the same time/year as us and we wanted to make sure everybody knew our date... and saving on stamps was a no brainer for me. But I agree that 11 months before the wedding might have been too early and I should’ve done more like 6 months... 🤷🏽‍♀️

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Great news! What a relief

View Quoted Comment Just stating my opinion 🤷🏼‍♀️ What I said was that they're obviously not close enough to her to care, so saying something might not help. Instead, stealing their show discretely by simply stating that her date was decided first and that she really wants the important people there would be the best route because the likelihood of them changing the date is very slim as they clearly don't care who likes or dislikes it. They knew her date was set in stone for a long time and chose that date anyways. Not to mention, she might not be comfortable enough to say anything, especially considering there's obviously some tension or something between the other side of the family. Might sound like a bad idea to you, but there will probably be zero progress will be made the other way. So, if she cares about her family being at hers rather than theirs, that's her only option unless she's willing to postpone hers (she's not because her date has been set a hell of a lot longer than theirs). I don't know how that could possibly make her look bad by making sure her information is sent out prior to theirs so that the family will already have an obligation to come to hers. That's not putting anybody in the middle of it. It's honestly just playing the role of an RSVP. Few guests are going to RSVP back to her for her wedding and then come back and say they can't come because something came up. I will agree, though, putting family members in the middle would be reaching out and trying to sway them torwards her wedding rather than the cousin's wedding. BUT, that's not what I meant at all if it came out that way. What I meant by "refrain from saying anything" was refrain from saying anything to the family members that have no correlation and are only invited because putting them in the middle would be wrong. She should keep quiet to the family members that aren't directly involved. It's as simple as sending out information regarding her wedding before the cousin does if they aren't willing to change. Sorry you don't agree!

View Quoted Comment I'm sorry but like I said, she should definitely confront them about it. Like everyone else has said first talk to the aunt about how she must have made a mistake because that's her wedding date, and then if the aunt says no that's the day they pick, then if I was her I'd go talk to the cousin. Maybe like some people have said that maybe they forgot because of how far out her wedding was, maybe that was the only date the venue they wanted had available. Maybe your right and they don't care at all about her or her wedding. She has no idea what was going on in their heads when they picked that day. And that's why she needs to confront them about it. I've learned through out my life that keeping quiet about issues never does any good. Most of the time you find out that somewhere along the lines there was a misunderstanding or someone forgot about something. We are human it happens and with the stress of covid it can be easier to forget about what's going on in other people's lives especially when you are planning a wedding of your own.

Totally agree! I was explaining that I meant to leave everyone out of it and confront the aunt or cousin directly. I didn't mean to not say anything at all - I just meant to not involve the rest of the family by putting them in the middle! I mis-worded what I was trying to say. It definitely needed to be addressed, which is why I said that if she said something, she could word it a certain way!

View Quoted Comment Oh I'm sorry, it's been a long day. I didn't understand. I definitely agree with you.

View Quoted Comment No worries, lol. My fault!

View Quoted Comment That’s still so crazy! I can’t believe that it took a bunch of relatives bombarding them to get them to pick literally any other day in the future! The fact that she said she “didn’t think it would matter” shows that they knew it was your date and just didn’t care. I would still be livid about that. I can’t believe she’d make a comment about you canceling when you never even mentioned anything of the kind. Goodness. I’m angry for you.

View Quoted Comment I am still super angry, and really trying to calm myself down. I am trying to be the bigger person but like I don’t even want them at my wedding. I secretly hope I’m not invited to theirs!


I understand people have weddings short term but who decides on a date 60 some days and then casually announces it through email ( especially during a pandemic) They got engaged in December...?
What also shocks me is she has very strong views on covid-19 and has not left her house since March. Im not judging people who do that because it’s not my right to decide wether someone feel safe or not... but why would you then plan your wedding during the pandemic? Wouldn’t you wait? Or at the very least have a courthouse wedding and then throw the whole thing when she feels safe?
Seems very intentional to me, and what really gets my goat is that I haven’t even met her, she didn’t show up for any family events before covid. Not a very good first impression. I’m just happy my family had my back... especially my mom ( she’s been kinda removed from everything) it really made me feel extremely loved.
Also while I’m venting I want to add she was very upset to find out my grandparents who are in their 90s might not come... which I think is rude. They might do a drive by wave but it’s a 2 hours drive for them and I mean they are pretty old we need to keep them safe, especially if that’s what they want.