Advice - Cost of Wedding and Expenses

If the destination wedding was causing this much of an argument, I'd ditch the idea and go somewhere cheaper that you could easily afford to pay for everyone. And possibly consider pre-marital counseling to more productively talk about financial issues. I somewhat agree with your fiance but also with you. His daughter doesn't need to bring a friend, her siblings & father will be there. But if someone has a significant other, I can see the argument of paying for them. But random friends or plus ones they aren't dating seem super unnecessary especially for such an intimate wedding.

Well usually foremost destination weddings the couple does not have to pay for other people but that really is at the discretion of what the couple decides based on their budget. However since you do recognize that you are getting married in a place that is very expensive to travel to then if you choose to put your money towards your wedding and your honeymoon which is a great idea then most likely those people are not going to be able to afford to go even if they have two years to save up or they may not choose to go. That is the downside I feel to destination wedding is that many people may feel that to save money to go somewhere can be a challenge. I would just really stop and reflect on how important is it that these guests attend your wedding? Also have you had the discussion with the guess asking would they be able to spend that money? The hard part about weddings in general is going to be the compromise so maybe you could do your honeymoon in the French Polynesia but your wedding somewhere a little bit more affordable for your guests?

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We would have to pay for everyone attending our wedding (maximum 10 people) because none of them have the money to afford $5000 each, so we would end up paying for their accommodation, flights, food, and activities. We don't want to put the cost burden on them - they don't have it.

This wedding will most likely be the last family vacation where we pay for them as we want to save up for retirement next. So do we go all out for the last family vacation together?

Maybe if we got married at city hall, they can come at no cost, or we can have it locally (but we would have to invite A LOT of family especially on my side as it is very large - which is why we wanted a designation wedding - small and intimate), but then if its here, it wouldn't be the wedding we wanted. :-(

View Quoted Comment Realistically only you can answer that question. My question would be can you afford $50,000. There's different ways of having family vacations that don't involve traveling across the world. Or there are foreign locations that are more affordable. Sadly some Brides don't really get the wedding that they want because it's so expensive. I know that if I had $30,000 I would have my dream wedding but the reality is that I'm not going to spend year saving up for that nor going to debt to have that. You could do something local where everyone could attend and then do a symbolic ceremony in the French Polynesia just you two but I think in this situation you have to decide what is more important. Location or having close family present to see you get married. I know I'm not giving you the answer that you want but sometimes we as brides just have to tell ourselves that the most important thing is that we are marrying the man of our dreams. I say that because ultimately my fiance and I are going to elope locally with a couple of friends. If I think of my day ever since I was a little girl that's not it but at the end of the day I'm excited that I get to wear a dress and have some pictures and become his wife. Even better my best friend will be there by my side and to help me get ready. I would really sit down and think of what's more important to you and focus on that to make you happy. Ultimately if it's really important you to have a wedding in French Polynesia then you are going to have to foot the bill for everyone to come but I understand that your fiance is already on board with that idea but that's really going to hurt you both financially so that's just something to think about. Even sometimes for a wedding sacrifices need to be made and I'm sorry to tell you that.

The kids really should not have plus ones you have to pay for. Unless they are engaged or married themselves, it is kinda crazy that they'd expect it. They can hang with immediate family without a buddy for 10 days when it would cost u that kind of money...
I'd work towards that..that would cut ur spend by a huge amount.
I also like what someone said having a family wedding whichever way you'd like then doing honeymoon there... With a small ceremony just for the two of you.

We are having a DW in Kauai. We liked the idea of it being super secluded compared to the other islands. Haven't had the chance of going to French Polynesia and I'm unsure which islands you've been to in Hawaii, but Kauai is beautiful and we love it.

We are both financially stable and have successful careers. We both own our house, have 2 dogs, and are planning on having kids in the next couple of years.

Firstly, we are only inviting immediate family. We decided that because we're going to have 10 people (including ourselves) that we would pay for travel (plane tickets & car rentals), hotel accommodations (3 nights), and dinner (2 nights). My family is unable to take off more than a long weekend from work, so that's why it's 3 nights for everyone else (not including travel days or hotel accommodations outside of Kauai).

About a month ago my little sister mentioned that she wanted to bring her girlfriend which I might add NO ONE has met or even knew about. I put my foot down and told her that since she is not family we are not paying for her. She would need to get her own travel arrangements, hotel accommodations and food. We have 2 men who are coming who aren't married and not family-related by blood that we are paying for, but one is my FMIL's longterm boyfriend (they're practically married as they own property together and have been together for over 6 years), and my sisters fiance (they get married at the end of this year). Needless to say, she's not bringing her girlfriend anymore because it's too expensive. I made it fair for her and my FBIL who is unmarried: if they were to bring someone we are not paying since they haven't been in a relationship longer than 1 year.

To give you a bit of perspective on what our budget is looking like so far:

Grand Hyatt Hotel for us (5 nights): $3000

Grand Hyatt Hotel for the rest of the family (3 nights): $9000

Ceremony Fee (includes officiant, photographer, videographer, musician): $2500

Dinner Luau $1000

Dinner Reception $1000 (rough budget, we will be having dinner at the Grand Hyatt)

Car Rentals (2x vehicles) $200 + 1 free from Hyatt

Plane Tickets for us & the rest of the family $5400

Total for 3 nights (not including flowers, invitations, wedding bands, wedding attire, misc): ~$22,100

Our budget could have been a lot less if we went with a different hotel, but we absolutely loved the Grand Hyatt. Everyone else needs to fly into LAX, so I used my points for some of the plane ticket's first leg to LAX which saved us a ton of money. To give you an idea of how much we saved, tickets were roughly $500 pp from wherever to LAX and another rough $500 pp from LAX to Kauai, making it a total of roughly $1000pp for a full plane ticket from wherever they came to Kauai. Instead we paid ~$540 pp for everyones plane tickets. The dinner reception likely won't be $1000, but I wanted to make sure that we had enough. We got a free car rental booking with Hyatt cause we are members and I got a deal with the other car rental cause I'm part of a guild.

In order to save costs and making it a true intimate wedding, you shouldn't pay for anyone who isn't family. That will save a lot! Also, your fiance's son is married, but you need to pay for the wife? Why can't the son pay for his own wife? That seems odd if they're married. Do you have any food or car rental deals you can find. You deserve the place of your dreams and the wedding you want!!!

I'm sorry, I couldn't get through your whole post after reading that your fiancé is nickel-and-diming you about paying for "his" side of the family and... straight up wanting both of you to contribute to paying for them while not offering the same to "your" family. And he makes three times what you make but wants to go halfsies??

He is... not coming off well here. Financial disagreements run incredibly deep, and differing mindsets like these should take precedence over wedding planning. You two need to get on the same page, or you need to have a hard think about this relationship.

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Thank you so much for sharing what you are doing for your wedding. Funny you should say Kauai...we are going to Hawaii again for two weeks this spring and going to stay in Kauai (Poipu) for the first time and Maui (usually we go to Maui or Oahu). Maybe it will be similar to Moorea and we might change our minds to have it in Kauai. We want green, lush, waterfalls, beach and uncrowded, so maybe Kauai might steal or hearts and change the venue to something a lot more affordable (in Kauai). I'm really curious to see what Kauai is like. :-)

To answer your question, yes, it is odd because if my son was married, I wouldn't be paying for his wife (my son would have to pay for the wife - also, I don't make as much as my finance so I wouldn't be able to afford it) My fiancé's son (who is 21) can't pay for his wife because she/they are barely getting by financially...usually my finance helps them out financially when they are short on their bills, rent, and car insurance (which seems to be a frequent habit I have noticed). They are a bit "impulsive" shall we say in "life choices" and decided to get married 2 years ago when they were 18 years old. She moved from the states to join him in Canada and couldn't work for a year until she got her papers here. She has 4 years of student loans and didn't finish her degree because they couldn't be separate from each other and had to move in together....he didn't want to move there, so she dropped school and is making payments on all her student loans while working here. Sorry about the rant....

When we go on holidays as a couple (two of us) its not a problem, but when we go as a family, its super expensive and difficult to coordinate schedule wise (this will change after the wedding because we eventually want to retire and it is getting difficult to plan holidays with everyone. So we want to make this wedding extra special...

We do get points/airline dollars from our credit cards, so we will be using as much as we can towards flights. We also get perks as Hilton Honours members (we wanted to get married at the Hilton Moorea - we stayed there and it was beautiful).

If you haven't gone to the French Polynesia, I highly suggest adding it to your list. :-) It was one of the most beautiful and magical trips I have ever been on. (I'd rather people not know about it as it felt like we had the whole place to ourselves and has so much unspoilt beauty and hardly any tourists or large groups of people). I have never seen so many fish and live coral before in the bluest waters (and I have been to Hawaii and many islands of the caribbean and I always compare everything to the french polynesia now - nothing compares). We visited Tahiti, Rangiroa, Moorea, and Bora Bora. I keep dreaming of how I can go back. :-) So, that is why Moorea we thought of Moorea as a wedding venue (and also want to go to Rangiroa again since we would be in the French Polynesia - like 3 or 4 days Rangiroa, 6 days Moorea). Google blue lagoon Rangiroa and Hilton Moorea (we stayed in an over water bungalow and had crepes every evening). :-)

But first, Kauai in April 2020. Maybe it will be a duplicate similar to Moorea.

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Its my finances idea to pay for the "plus ones"....I agree...I mean, its paradise....I would go to Tahiti immediately if you bought my ticket..LOL! If you are miserable in paradise because you couldn't bring your friend to your father's wedding then something is wrong with you....My son is ok with just going by himself as it is a family trip/wedding. But I don't think my finance's daughter knows about our discussions on wedding location as we haven't picked a date yet for 2021. I doubt his daughter would stomp her feet and refuse to go to our wedding if she couldn't bring a friend and have us pay for them. I don't feel she is that type of person.

I want just family only, that was what I thought we agreed on - the whole purpose of a small family wedding is to be family.....this is not a "regular trip" where you can bring a friend to hang out with. Its a destination wedding that was meant to be extra special all together.

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I hear you Megan. We need to have a discussion about this again. I know I will be financially liable for our wedding costs once we are married -that's how it works. We should make the "guest" list fair if we both are responsible for paying - I don't think I am being unreasonable. I guess he's used to being the breadwinner and making decisions from his previous relationship (his ex didn't work), but I'm used to being the breadwinner and making decisions (as a single mom working full time for 13 years - my son's father was barely around). Things can get heated between us when I share my opinion with him because I am not one to stay "quiet" when I think something is unreasonable or unfair.

I feel I should have equal input regardless if I make less. We both have to agree on decisions, especially financial and long term ones.

View Quoted Comment I understand. Another thing to maybe bring up - and i might be wrong - you mention debt a few times. You guys are taking out loans for this? Then this should def be a serious conversation. Going into tens of thousands of dollars in debt to pay for a trip of some random person? It is silly. Like reaaaallll silly
Also I don't know your kids ages but is there a chance by 2021 they might be in serious relationships? Engaged? That could be a factor down the road and I think it's best to address it now if possible

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Our kids are 21, 22 and 24. The 21 year old has a wife that is also 21 (my fiancé's son) - he is a bit of a "wild child". My son who is 22 doesn't want to get married for a long time because he knows how expensive it is and wants to spend his money on his car, traveling, going out with friends, ect... He is not ready to meet someone, get married or have the money to have children. Besides, he doesn't have the time for a relationship as most women want to spend time with their significant other and he generally works 12-15hours a day. The 24 year old is still in university with no significant other in sight from what I have seen...her dad (my finance) is very strict when it comes to her dating since she is his "baby" girl and wants her to finish her schooling and start her career first before dating. Then again, when you meet someone and "fall in love", things can change. LOL!

We are saving up for most of it (which is why we have been engaged for 3 years because we don't want a huge loan to get married), the balance (maybe $10,000 to $15,000 remaining) will be on a loan. We can pay off the loan in a year. We will not be taking out a $50,000 loan for a wedding.

View Quoted Comment This screams red flags to me. I would have a very serious conversation about this, as it seems like there is an imbalance of power. As someone else suggested, pre-marital counseling may be a good idea to make sure you are both on the same page regarding your relationship and the power imbalance if he is not used to his partner speaking her mind and not staying "quiet."

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I appreciate your feed back. I think premarital counselling is good idea before getting married to ensure both on the same page for the future and and can also work out any issues/disagreements beforehand. I feel any kind of unresolved "imbalance" is unhealthy to bring into a marriage.

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Kauai might be the island for you. It is completely secluded, incredibly quiet, and so much nature. NOT like Oahu or Maui at all. I've been to more secluded places than Kauai, but it's still an incredible place. You can't beat the life in Kauai as it's so calm and laid back, it's a complete 180 of my regular life so we really enjoyed it there. I hope you like it when you go, we will be at Poipu as well when we go in February.

Our wedding is going to be at a waterfall, and then we are taking photos by the beach. All included in our package I'm super excited because this is perfect for us. In our early stages of planning I started adding "close friends" on our guest list, but my fiance kept reminding me it was only immediate family and I'm glad he did. Maybe your fiance needs a reminder so that you're not inviting more people that aren't family.

Your wedding isn't until 2021, maybe your adult children will have careers and money by then? Perhaps kids? Maybe your fiance's son who is married can afford to pay for his wife...(side note, can't believe she quit school to move to another country with no real plans for her future...). I agree with other PP, you've got more than a year and life can change so much in that time so you've got time to plan and prepare. Go and check out Kauai and see if you like it!