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VIP March 2020

Advice and ideas regarding my stepson

Tina, on January 26, 2020 at 10:41 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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My FH’s son is 17 and autistic, we have him 50% of the time. While he is high functioning he still has his moments. Originally when my FH first mentioned to his son that we were going to get married, his son had a complete meltdown! It had nothing to do with me and we already all live together. It was just to do with us getting married. Over time he has finally come around and we can actually speak about the wedding with him and he doesn’t get upset (this has taken nearly a year) That said he can be completely unpredictable and while my FH’s ex wife and the son are invited to the wedding, the morning of he might decide he doesn’t want to go.

I originally wanted the son to get a tux (just like my boys) but not even knowing if he is attending (still haven’t received the rsvp and who knows what he will decide) we decided it was best if he does attend to just let him wear whatever he was comfortable in and not put any pressure on him to wear something formal or to even have to participate in any way.
Well... today the ex wife talked to FH about the wedding and claimed they are attending (even though she thought our wedding is in April not March). When she found out my boys were wearing tuxes and had a role (walking me down the aisle) she went off on FH about how their son was excluded and why he didn’t have a tuxedo and no role!! I just wanted to add we are not having any bridal party and no one is standing up with us. My stepson is a sweet boy but there really isn’t any role for him and FH doesn’t want to pay $200 to rent a tuxedo with the possibility his son won’t even attend! Being autistic you just can’t predict how he will be on the day.
Any advice about this situation? FH is pissed that his ex is up in arms about this and I am now looking like I’m favouring my kids over my stepson, which is not the case!

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Kristyn, on January 27, 2020 at 1:07 PM

Devoted July 2020
Kristyn · on January 26, 2020 at 11:03 PM
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Wow I'm so sorry this is truly a misunderstanding that is packong on a lot of stress I'm sure. I would definately maybe try to get you all together and discuss the situation together with an open conversation as to your original intent was to have him wear a tux but also do not want him to feel uncomfortable, maybe also be willing to compramise with splitting a tux rental if it is really important to the son! maybe he can have a role as an usher or some other roll of that nature that way he can still feel important in the wedding?
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Savvy September 2020
Sarah · on January 27, 2020 at 1:43 AM
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Buy your stepson a tux. He can be an usher at the wedding or something. There are roles for relatives beyond groomsman or ring bearer.
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December 2020
Shelly · on January 27, 2020 at 7:11 AM
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Do the boys really need to wear a tux? Dress pants, dress shirt, and tie would look appropriate and would probably be a lot more comfortable, especially for your stepson. Sit down with him and his mom and talk about the wedding. Ask him if he'd like to dress up and help at the wedding. Offer him the IMPORTANT position of Greeter. If you have programs, he could be at the door handing them out or just say..."hello, please have a seat". His mom could stand near him in case he starts to melt down and remove him from the situation. OR if he handles people well, he could be in charge of the guest book at the reception asking people to please sign.
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VIP March 2020
Tina · on January 27, 2020 at 8:02 AM
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The thing is my FH’s son doesn’t care, it’s all about the ex wife.
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VIP March 2020
Tina · on January 27, 2020 at 8:03 AM
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My stepson would not want a role, the ex wife is the one who is causing the grief. My stepson is not capable of being an usher and we don’t want him to feel that pressure.
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VIP March 2020
Tina · on January 27, 2020 at 8:08 AM
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My kids have tuxedos because they asked if they could wear them, I didn’t make them. My stepson is not capable of having a role and we don’t want him to feel any pressure if he does attend. It’s all about the ex wife making it a big deal.
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January 2019
MOB So Cal · on January 27, 2020 at 8:48 AM
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I'm sure you and FH are very aware of his sons needs and potential reactions, so I think your approach is very good. I'd also assume this isn't the first time he and his ex-wife have had conflict over issues like this. Does his son work with a behavioral therapist? If so, can they play a role in helping him POTENTIALLY prepare for the wedding, whether strictly as a guest or possibly with some small "role," if, after understanding what that might entail, HE (not his mother...) wants to consider the opportunity? If, after some discussions/coaching either from a therapist or from his dad, I'd probably try to provide whatever clothing option(s) he thinks he wants. (I have a friend whose child is very sensitive about clothing fit and fabric textures, so they would have to buy/rent the potential clothing in advance so the child could "practice" wearing it, because if they try something new on and find the fabric in any way "not okay," that would be the end of the day right there.) You and his dad know him best and know how to best prepare him for the possibility of attending. Perhaps his "job," if he wants one, could be escorting HIS mother to her seat. It wouldn't necessarily be that SHE was participating in the processional as an "honored guest," but that HE was and she's just HIS escort. I know this is very challenging, I've worked with students at various places on the spectrum, and even the most high-functioning can be very unpredictable. Some days and circumstances are good, others are not.... Good luck to you!
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Devoted September 2019
Meaghan · on January 27, 2020 at 9:09 AM
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I have 2 children on the spectrum. I know how clothes can be very intense sensory experiences for our neurodivergent kiddos.
Do you think having your FH explain to the ex wife that your priority has been getting the son to the wedding and that you were trying to compromise on everything else in order to set him up for success? Do you have anyone (ABA therapist gro example) who can talk with all of you about making the wedding sensory friendly so it can set him up for success? Perhaps if it is addressed as a larger topic and by a third party the ex wife will be more receptive
For my wedding we weren't sure what my son would be wearing until the 11th hour. I had bought him dress pants, dress shirt and tie, but he was saying he was wearing sweats. Very last minute he decided to dress up, which frankly I think he did as a gift to me. Good luck!
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VIP March 2020
Tina · on January 27, 2020 at 9:37 AM
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Thank you, you always have such good advice! My FH and I are doing everything to make things as simple for him as possible, the ex wife is more concerned about how things will look to others if her son doesn’t look the same as mine. If she wants to take him to get a tux that’s fine but no way will she spend the $200, she will expect my FH.

My original thoughts were to have his son walk down the grandma or to even hold the rings but I don’t want to put pressure on him. The son doesn’t care it’s all about appearances to the ex.
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VIP March 2020
Tina · on January 27, 2020 at 9:45 AM
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You obviously understand! I truly believe that the ex wife is more concerned about appearances and not what would make her son happiest. We have worked for over a year to get him to talk about a wedding and not be upset and he has recently actually said he wants to attend but that can change on the day. My FH tries to make things as easy as possible for his son while the ex wife pushes and pressures the son about things (with many times very negative results).
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on January 27, 2020 at 11:59 AM
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Can you pay less for a suit somewhere else, or just a button down & dress pants? I'm sure he could keep it for the future if he doesn't wear it at your wedding. I'd plan for the best (him wearing the suit & being at the wedding & involved) buy buying or renting the suit, but expect the worse so you aren't disappointed.
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Devoted July 2020
Kristyn · on January 27, 2020 at 1:07 PM
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I would just be honest about it! like yes we can add him in as an usher if he really wants to be involved but it has to come from him seeing as we dont believe he even wants to attend the wedding we didnt want to force him to come if he is uncomfortable being there
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