Adults Only Wedding with Exceptions

For starters, I absolutely think you’re doing the right thing.
I would be careful how you tell them though. It might seem odd to get a phone call solely to tell them that, but it would be fine to mention in conversation next time you talk.

I would think they just assumed you invited the 5 year old because she is family. I wouldn't over think this one.

Hmm UO here but I am not sure this is going to look kosher to your guests. Other parents that have children may be upset if they see that there was someone invited outside of the wedding party (the baby is an exception because they are a newborn for sure). Obviously I understand why you are making the exception but just as an outsider - other parents might be a little miffed if they don't know the situation. Are they traveling from OOT?

If you're allowing this one child outside the wedding party, I suspect other parents will be upset that their children aren't invited as well. Etiquette generally has people inviting in circles, so wedding party children only would be OK, but if you invite a distant cousin's child then every other family child would have to be invited.

I think your close friends will be unhappy.

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That family lives in a neighboring state (maybe 90 minute drive). We are one of the last couples to get married in our large friend group and they all had adult only weddings with no issues to my knowledge. Everyone is pretty chill in our group. There are other distant cousins who might be miffed (but I don't really know them) and am only inviting them because my grandmother said it would mean a lot of her to have these people invited.

We are doing kids in the wedding and family ONLY. Honestly, I'm sure some maybe upset, but our venue only holds a certain number that we are trying to get to that. I may put a little insert in the invites with a brief apology, but they need to get over it just my opinion.

The older daughter would be invited because she is an adult. As a parent. I see nothing wrong with not inviting the 5 yr old. Kids don't get to do everything adults do. End of story.
It will come across as hypocritical if you invite her and not other children outside the wedding party.

My question wasn't whether or not people will be offended. Someone is ALWAYS offended. My question was do I give this mother a heads up that her younger child will be the only other kid outside the wedding party?

View Quoted Comment A heads up would be helpful. It may not change any of her decisions, but I am always in favor of heads up in general.

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I agree that there's no way to please everyone. I have a few similar situations and you just do the best you can. I think it would be nice to give this family a head's up, but it would also be fine if you didn't. They may very well choose not to bring the child anyways.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I would since she is probably thinking that since you invited her daughter (who is a pretty distant relative of yours) you are inviting all kids.

Another idea I just thought of...

What if you don't actually include the child on the invitation, but then reach out to let the parents and say since one of their children was invited, they're more than welcome to bring the other?

Well, I don’t think you need to invite the 5 year old (in fact I am not inviting ANY of my cousins’ children even if they are over 18 because it’s more distant of a relationship than I want to accommodate, so it is where I cut off my circles), to answer your specific question, I would definitely give a heads up.
I’d be uncomfortable showing up with my kid not knowing she’d be the only one there. I’d also have maybe thought or assured her that there might be other kids there for her to play with , so I think the mental prep is helpful. I might choose not to bring her in that case too, just thinking she might have more fun at home with a sitter or at a friend’s

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Interesting idea!

Ok so if I decide to NOT invite the 5 year old - what is the kindest way to convey this information?

Do I just write the invitation out to the parents and the older sister? (Even though she is over 20 she is under constant care/supervision and care so I don't think it would be appropriate to send her a separate invitation)

I got some very harsh criticism for trying to decide how to make the cut off for children - unless a lot of people decline and we can change plans, it's going to be children of family up to first cousins and children of the WP (we are not having children in the WP). I feel like no matter how you handle this issue, someone's going to complain or get offended. If you invite all children and end up having 50 kids running around, some adults will get bothered that their evening is being disrupted. If you invite no children, most likely family members will grumble about finding babysitters or even worse, see it as an affront to your little nieces and nephews that want to see you get married. If you pick and choose, even in "circles," someone's feelings are going to get hurt - now, I think this is the most reasonable option for the typical couple who is both on a budget and trying to plan a nice family wedding, but I got chewed up for my post asking how others were deciding this, with plenty of posters saying that etiquette requires an "all or none" rule - as I demonstrated above, that's just not going to work, sorry!

Anyway, relating all this back to you, invite who you want and who makes logistical and financial sense. If you really feel that there's a danger to small children, I don't think it's mean to invite the 20-year-old and not the 5-year-old. I wasn't invited to a second cousin's wedding as a child while my older cousins were, and my parents understood even though it was inconvenient for them. If you genuinely want the child there, invite her but tell the mom about your situation (I'd just mention your safety concerns but that you'd really love to include her family) in a conversational way, as part of another conversation, without making it sound like you'd rather she leave the child home.

I would just address there invitation to the family. That is what I did for those who are aloud kids

Yes I would just write the invitation to the mom and the 20 year old if the 5 yo is not invited.

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Yes I wouldn't invite the 5 year old just because "she's a wonderful kid" because it sounds like you're making an exception for a not-so-great reason. The other is an adult and would have gotten an invitation, anyway.

To answer your quoted question of how you would convey the information? The same way you would to all the other families that you're not inviting their little ones, too. Either address the invitation specifically to those invited or you could go an extra mile and put the number of seats you are reserving for each invitation on the RSVPs... which is what we're doing... to make it clear that only those listed on the invitations and a certain number of seats are reserved. I have guests that don't really know etiquette, apparently. Haha

I would follow standard procedure- address the invitation to those who ARE invited. If the parents contact you to inquire if there was some mistake, then you tell them that there will be no children outside the wedding party and children of immediate family.