Abusive Spouse Plus One?

It sounds like you and your MOH have already discussed the abuse before. So, I’d have a talk and tell her your desires not to invite her boyfriend. Hopefully that doesn’t cause him to get upset and take it out on her.

Sometimes people don’t see the wrong in abuse or she has obviously forgiven him so I’m sure she will be offended no matter how you put it. At the end of the day if you do not want him there it’s up to you to tell her or ask her if she can bring someone else.

I agree with the others. Tell her how much it means to you that she’s there. However, her boyfriend is not invited. It’s your wedding.

Unless you feel like he will cause a problem for you at your wedding, you cant really tell her who to bring. Her relationship is ultimately up to her, even if it is obvious he is treating her badly its something she needs to decide for herself

When you say “the past”, does it mean he is no longer abusive? I do see some people changed after therapies. Maybe meet and talk to your MOH in private and ask her about her situation.

I would have a conversation about this with your MOH. However, speaking as someone who has worked in the intimate partner violence field for years, these relationships are typically far more complicated than they appear. Power and control is the central component of IPV, and forbidding her from bringing him may actually be more dangerous for her than helping her. I understand you want to help her and don't want an abusive person at your wedding. However, if she's your MOH, I'm assuming she's a very close friend. Therefore, I would try to support her in a way that helps her, and talking to her about what she needs to feel safe and your concerns could be a good start.

Unfortunately abuse is not something you can turn off like a switch and more often than not, there is no way the abuse stops until the victim has successfully left the relationship.


Talk to her privately and tell her how much you want her in attendance but he is not invited. Have security on hand at the venue.
Also, a spouse is not a plus one. They are an automatic invite. But this is an exception to the rule.

Excluding him from your wedding is probably going to mean that a.) your friend will not be able to attend and b.) this could potentially make things even worse for her

View Quoted Comment THIS. Excluding the boyfriend could actually make the situation worse. He might not allow her to go, or if he does, it could mean he makes her life miserable when she gets home.


It’s critical to let the person know that you are not judgmental. IPV carries a ton of stigma. If she is willing to confide in you, tell her (often) that you are there to support her and want her to be safe. Telling her he is not invited could make her feel shame and lose a critical connection with someone she is willing to confide in.
Consider calling one of the free helplines for IPV. They might be willing to give some additional guidance.

Unless you expect violence during your wedding, I think so often when friends exclude an abusive boyfriend or spouse, they just make the abused one more isolated. You reject him. He exercises his control, you do not go without me. She begins to not see her friends, he relatives, and is now worse off and more under his hand. not better off. You cannot support her seeing that other people don't live with abuse, or help her to think she can turn to her friends for help, if she ends up cut off from all friends. Do her a kindness and invite the guy. Show you want to continue to be her friend.

I would definitely have a talk with her and express your concerns

I don’t think you can tell your MOH that her spouse is not invited. As others have pointed out, this could not only be quite damaging to your friendship (i.e. if she ever decides to leave him, she needs to have supportive and understanding people on hand and uninviting him, while in her interests, might cause a fracture to your relationship with her) but could also place her in a worse position with her partner.

If you tell her that her spouse is not welcome, she has to communicate that to him and he will ask questions why. It is possible he will prohibit her from attending your wedding, and may also be the incitement for a bout of rage.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. You can tell her over and over again until you are blue in the face, but nothing will change until she realizes what a bad relationship she's in for herself. I get why you don't want him there I totally do, because I have a friend in an abusive relationship. But you can't just not give her a plus one and tell her she can't bring her boyfriend, I mean you can but she isn't going to take it well no matter how you put it. She is just going to see it as you are devaluing her relationship because you don't like who she's with. I think the only thing to do is as long as he isn't going to start problems at your wedding then you should invite him. I also think that not allowing him at the wedding can cause her to be put in a bad situation with him because she is going to have to tell him he isn't invited and he will want to know why. Then he could force her to ditch you as a friend. There is really no win win situation here. All you can do is be there for her and hopefully one day she will open her eyes to what you guys see and leave him.

Ummm it’s your wedding and if you and your FH say he’s not invited.... then he’s not invited. Him not being invited is a clear message to her that his behavior is not acceptable to you. Do you want to set boundaries and let her know where you stand or say nothing and let behaviors continue because absolutely nothing will change if you keep quiet. There will be no accountability for either of their actions if nothing is said.

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The problem is that the bride sending a ‘clear message’ that his behaviour is not acceptable is essentially punishing the MOH. Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult for some people and we don’t know whether she is planning to leave or not. If the MOH cops more abuse from her spouse by reason of the fact that he’s not welcome at the wedding (because obviously she’d have to address it with him) then it does absolutely nothing to help her situation and can expose her to more harm than good.

It is not fair to punish her by reason of his actions.

View Quoted Comment Umm he would probably do the same invited. He is a bully, why would we keep silent to a bully? The bride and groom are NOT responsible for the actions of others. They set the boundaries, and she will know she has a decision to make. Are you going to take steps to get control of your life or allow him to continue to have control? The bride and groom can say this is NOT acceptable here. There needs to be consequences for actions, when there isn’t the person will believe that it’s OK and it’s allowed and it will continue. She will continue to think that it’s OK for her relationship to go on this way because her friends still support them as a couple. And he will continue to think his actions are OK because there are no consequences for what he’s doing. The bride and groom aren’t punishing her! Don’t put the boyfriends actions on anyone but him, that’s how they manipulate people! N-O!

Being supportive and being quiet are two different things like I said before. You can be supportive and still be a part of her life but make it clear that you are not a part of his and he is not allowed in your life. I never said anything about her not being there for her friend. And just FYI any counselor ,any therapist , any police officer will tell you when you don’t set boundaries the abuse increases. And another thing lol I really don’t know where you come off trying to judge me as a friend since you don’t know me from Adam. I personally wouldnt feel as someone was my true friend if they saw me being disrespected and they didn’t speak up for me or at least to me. But it’s just my opinion, this young lady can handle this situation however she chooses.

Not allowing him at the wedding can cause him to be controlling and take her away from her friends. He can tell her that she is no longer allowed to hang out with or contact those friends since they clearly don't want him at any of their events. Which by him isolating her can put her in a worse situation because then she will have nobody but him. Yes you want her to know that you don't approve of her boyfriend and do need to try and get her away from him, however there's a good way and a bad way to do this and it's never easy to find the right balance where she knows you want her to leave and also not letting him on to you pulling her away. You need to be nice to his face and when he is not around talk to her about the unhealthy relationship she's in and how you have her back when she leaves him. Not letting him accompany her to events you host is just going to punish her because he will take it out on her and like I said before you will just be helping him isolate her. Most people in abusive relationship who stay until it's to late are normally the people who were isolated from their friends and family and ultimately ended up thinking they have nowhere to go and nobody to help them so they ended up feeling stuck in this abusive relationship. And if the bride and groom are true friends then they should really care about how them excluding him could have such a negative impact on her.