a lot of “no “ responses early on have us concerned!

February is way too early to send invitations for the end of May. Old school etiquette gurus such as Miss Manners who still publish books have always said to send invitations at 6-8 weeks standard before the wedding with the reply due date at 4 weeks. There is a reason that is the default timeline. If they are sent earlier with a much earlier due date, guests lose and forget the information and they are unable to commit that early. Unfortunately post-Covid there is major misinformation that is spread by blogs, print and online magazines, online forums, etc that say that 10-12 weeks is latest time to send invitations, and that is too early and that will cause confusion and guests saying they can’t attend, when they likely could with more information at a later date. Another thing to consider is that guests can’t commit before 4 weeks because employers and schools don’t give final schedules and vacation approval prior to 4 weeks.


Dress code could vary depending on the demographic of your social circle. Do your guests frequently attend black tie events where they would have something accessible in their closets or would your wedding be the first super dressy event for them? Are finances a concern for them? While it may seem like common sense, some people do read “preferred” as “required” and there’s nothing you can do to change that about them.
Out of curiosity, did you call or text guests or give information by word of mouth to let them know about your date at 6-12 months before the wedding? For many people, that is more effective than the modern postcards.
Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do at this point since what’s done is done. Wishing you have a great time with your loved ones who do make it, and catch up with the others at another time such as a family reunion.
Hopefully this is a lesson for those sending invitations way too early, as current social media and online forums encourage, that it does backfire so send them at the standard 6-8 week timeframe.

I agree that your invitations went out much earlier than they should have. But that said those who know for sure they can’t make it often do try to reply asap to be considerate.

If you are in the US I think a much bigger issue than this or your black tie language is that your wedding is on the Memorial Day holiday weekend when people typically make plans of their own. Another thing that may influence attendance is location. Is your wedding local for many people, very few, or none at all? Destination weddings can also get a higher percentage of regrets if this applies. Were people invited with their SOs? Are you close to most of those invited? Do a number of guests struggle financially? Last but not least some people, especially older relatives, are still not attending large weddings other than maybe immediate family due to continuing Covid concerns.

As for the dress code, traditionally there’s really no such thing as “black tie preferred,” “black tie required,” or even “black tie optional.” Black tie refers to the formality of the event, which in turn informs a dress code. A black or dark suit and tie are acceptable substitutions. But people don't always know this and it's always possible a dress code can affect attendance. You have to know your crowd.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your insight. Our save the dates were mailed, no calls or text. Your explanations of why our “no” responses may be high certainly sound possible. When we know where we end up in about four weeks I’ll post it here. Thanks again for your time.

To answer your question, declines will come faster that acceptances. Because yours is a holiday Saturday, people know their plans and budget in advance. So I don't mind your timeline. Holiday weekends are showing double the price in airfare and hotels which are a real deterrence for many. You can discuss dress code more on your wedding website and tell guests preferred is really optional. But, unless this dress code is unusual for guests, black suits/ cocktail is often the assumed option.

What do you mean 250 is your venue minimum? I would discuss with them if this is more of a cost minimum pp and how you can adjust menu add-on's, etc to make your minimum. You can modify the reception space to make it more full like adding partitions or more bars. But, this is for concern later. Try not to worry.

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Good point that prices being higher for everything on a holiday weekend may be another deterrent. As far as an advanced timeline being necessary for a holiday weekend, IMO that's what Save The Dates are for. If the RSVPs were also required too early, I think that could lead to regrets from those who are still not quite sure of their holiday plans but want to be considerate of the reply deadline while still keeping their options open.

A lot of declines do come right away as the people that know for sure they can’t make it often have no reason to delay in responding.


Still, others will come later as a portion of late responders are the people who are still trying to figure out if they can make it or not, so Id expect another batch of declines to appear near the end (or when you follow up, if need be)

Memorial Day weekend is going to be a low turnout. Most people have plans and it’s also more pricey to travel. We intentionally avoided holiday weekends for this reason.

Also, not every family and social circle makes plans for Memorial Day. The same applies for other holidays that are not Thanksgiving/Christmas. Some play it by ear and don’t have annual standing plans. So it’s not fair or accurate to say that everyone everywhere is unable to attend because X and Y who are not part of the social circle can’t make it.

"Black tie preferred", which isn't a real dress code, might have scared some people off. Black tie actually refers to the level of service to expect vs what to wear. Also Memorial Day may be another factor, as people sometimes have standing plans for that long weekend. Your invitations did go out early, but not crazy early which is good.

All of that said, if you don't meet your minimum, you can talk to the venue about potentially upgrading some of your service aspects to meet the cost minimum. Add a late night snack, or a dessert table, or upgrade the menu. A lot of venues will work with that.

People have covered why you're getting no RSVPs, but I'd like to touch on the timing.


In my experience, no's we're quick, then we got a ton of yes's. Then at the end, the people who came close to or missed the deadline to RSVP by we're usually all no's. I assume they forgot and when i called for a response, they either already had plans or maybe weren't as close as I thought we were.

Are you allowed to have fewer then the 250 people at the venue ? Why won’t the venue minus how many are coming . Ends up cheaper for you !

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They will have agreed to pay for a certain number of plates in order to secure the venue, so if they are under their count they lose out on that. That's why I suggested spending the money to upgrade some areas of the catering instead.

Memorial day is absolutely not a low turnout. I've been to 3! Most of the time memorial day is such a hassle to travel around. Don't even worry about that. The people that will be there, will be there. But I will say if a lot of your guests have to travel, that would be a huge reason. All the memorial weddings I been to were local.


Not to make you feel bad but for 310 I would have expected 30% to drop off. Even 20% would leave you with 248. I invited 210 and 165 is my final count. And consider if alot have to travel . Pretty much 80% of the people who had to travel for my wedding said no unless they were immediate family. Times are tough. Definitely ask the venue about upgrades to make up for it . For my henna my minimum was 75 but I only had 60 so they added a waffle and ice cream station for me! You can do things like that. Add more cocktail stations. Dessert station.

Also too late now but black tie preferred.. def scared people off. Better to say formal attire. So they can wear a cocktail dress suit etc. Black tie preferred may translate to we prefer if you wear a tux and will judge you if you don't lol.