a Different Side: When to be concerned about negligence?

From what you’ve described, your partner loves animals, but doesn’t actually care for the responsibilities that accompany pet ownership. He’s not negligent, he’s irresponsible.

When it comes to children, I personally believe that there is an automatic sense of stepping up to the plate that kicks in (at least to a degree) because from the moment you lay your eyes on your new born baby, there is just a shift in the paradigm.

Notwithstanding this, I think you need to lay down the law with your partner and set some clear expectations and responsibilities for him to accept. He won’t overnight change and become intuitive about it, so if you want him to improve in this, be mindful that it will be a slow process and at the start that will involve you dictating to him what he has to do. Good luck!

This would be a huge red flag for me, if your goal is pets you share responsibility for, or eventually children. Caring for another living creature is hard work. It is rewarding, but not always pretty or convenient or fun. Pets and children are expensive, dirty, and needy. They are not capable of providing entirely for themselves, and that is where the caring, responsible, adult parents step in. Filling that role is essential for the well being of a living, feeling, sentient creature.

Your husband's unwillingness to do the "hard part" of puppy parenting and expecting you to do all the work while he reaps the benefits would make me very cautious about taking on additional life forms (animal or human). It shows a lack of responsibility and accountability on his part, and a lack of respect for your time, energy, and labor. Not wanting to care for a pet doesn't make him a horrible person, but wanting a pet and then ignoring the responsibilities of one and expecting you do to the work is not right. His behavior is more like that of a child than an adult man (literally this is how I acted when I was 10 years old and wanted a bunny). Being an equal partner is a relationship is a different responsibility than being the caretaker of a pet or child that needs and depends on you. Your husband can be a great husband but still be a sucky parent (or sucky co-parent). I would sit down and have a serious conversation with him before adopting another pet or having children.

I agree with everyone else, this is a MASSIVE RED FLAG.

Honestly, the first red flag for me was that he didn't take care of his own cat! Bad roommates are one thing, but then you get new roommates, not ditch the cat on your girlfriend.

If he hasn't stepped up by now, either he is really clueless, or he has no intention to.

I'd have a good long chat with him. He is a grown man and if he can't be responsible, he doesn't get the perks of having pets. Dogs will bond with most housemates, so if he hasn't bonded with your other dog, I think that says a lot. (I had a roommate's dog who would literally leap on my bed to wake me up for a while. Picture a tiny dachshund taking a flying leap onto your nose. There are worse ways to wake up.) It's also concerning that he took in a 5 week old puppy... that sounds like a very irresponsible breeder. Either he helps with the pets, or you will have to find another way to take care of them - up to and including finding safer homes for them... or you.

People who neglect pets will neglect children, too.

I mean, whoa. Lots of red flags. The first couple of weeks/months with a puppy are hard for the same reasons that a newborn baby is hard-- they need constant care, can't do anything by themselves and don't sleep through the night. The difference is babies are even more vulnerable and stay that way for much longer. It's BS that he doesn't have a bond with your other pets because he wasn't there from the time they were babies. Lots of people adopt adult animals. My husband had one of our cats before we moved in together, and while he still sometimes prefers to cuddle with my husband, we both love and take care of him because we are partners and he is our pet. Same thing with our other cat and our puppy-- he goes to bed later than I do so he takes her out last thing at night and I take her out first thing in the morning. Of course, who is doing which specific tasks when might change with your schedules, but you didn't sign up to do this all by yourself. (Also-- a 5 week old puppy is really young to be away from their mother-- I would worry about behavioral issues and socialization problems down the road.)

I have to disagree with the previous posters. How old is your FH? He looks kind of young in your pic. People mature a lot well into their late 20s and 30s, so I'm betting he will have a different attitude as far as accepting responsibility as he ages and the two of you move onto children.

Dear Samantha,

We're definitely an "opposites attract" kind of couple. He grew up very wealthy and without responsibilities. I grew up relentlessly poor by a single mother who was a counselor. I was treated as an adult for as long as I can remember and expected to behave that way; and I greatly appreciated it. I was raising my little brother at 13, and emancipated by 16 from both of my parents to live completely on my own, as a "legal adult." Even after being emancipated, my entire family supports the poo out of anything that I do 100%, while his family is the exact opposite, acting as a tidal wave against his goals/ambition most of the time.

Side Note for those who take this into account: I'm a Libra and he's an Aries. We're opposites on the astrological chart but I've never felt more sympatical with another person- especially not another boy/man. I'm a meticulous planner, to a fault; and he's always cool as a cucumber with little worry for the future, also sometimes to a fault.

Again, thank you so much for your post and you're definitely right! There are some things that we're not completely compatible with. However, I really, really appreciate a lot of those characteristics that I'm not mellow enough to conjure!

Aubrianna Abbema

Dear Mrs. Winter Is Coming,

Thank you so much for your response! And you're right, it is an issue with responsibility. After two long conversations and me as the little "Do you need help?" tool at the bottom of his daily routine; he's starting to get the hang of it and the puppy is beginning to bond with him. In previous replies, I talk about where I think this irresponsibility is rooted. I'm really, really relieved that he's taken the initiative since our talks. I think that he was really worried about things involving our career at the same time. We manage a fine dining restaurant for a benefactor and although I manage the non-creative things: he's our head Chef and there was a lot going on the same week (reporters in the kitchen, etc.) which may have indicated why he chose this moment in time to get a puppy, and why it brought him to tears when he held Atticus. It reminds me of when I adopted Apollo 6 years ago. I was living alone, scared, and wanted reassurance and had a need to care for something other than myself. We always talked about adopting for him after we got married, however I believe that it's kind of serendipitous that we have enough time away from work now, and that we're also able to address these issues with responsibility before we get married. I know that my big pup is way too people-oriented to ignore them at a wedding, but hey, maybe Attie will be there with us!

Again, thank you so much for your reply and we definitely appreciate the wishes of luck! I always tell people that I'm the unluckiest person: don't gamble with me! So, we'll probably need it!

Aubrianna Abbema

Dear Kari,

I couldn't agree more; and this is exactly what we talked about when going over the expectations after I made this post. As I mentioned, it really does make me feel like a scullery maid. However, this is completely new to me. Growing up we had birds, cats, dogs, several different rats, lizards, etc. Even as a child, no older than 11 I was working with my rats and socializing them, teaching them tricks, cleaning their bedding everyday and replacing it once a week. I mean, they all knew and came to me when I called their names! I was committed from day one; and I took great joy in every poo-poo, in every bird-cage cleaning and every litter box day. Even when I began living on my own (first with roomates), I offered to clean her cat's litter box for her because she HATED doing it, and I really did not mind at all. I mean, I don't want to be gross (maybe mentioning that I'm currently receiving my BS in Biology will make it less gross, I'm not sure ), but if you're not paying attention to your pet's poop, you're not paying attention to their stomach/digestive health. I've never known a family to show such disinterest in their pets and I truly believe that like their children, any animal that was brought into their family was there as an accessory, rather than a being that has wants, hopes, needs, etc. Or at least that's just the way it looks on the outside to me: very cold and unwavering.

Again, thank you so much for your post. I know a lot of people don't take these kinds of things into account but as a Libra, and just an all-around extremely principled person, I value justice and equality above all; especially in a relationship. In the last 6 years Campbell has proven to me with both actions and words that he is not completely a product of his parent's upbringing; and in the last few days he's starting to prove to me that he has the initiative and desire to be as committed to raising this puppy as I was in raising my own.

Aubrianna Abbema

Dear Rebecca,

Yes; you hit the nail on the head with the clueless part. I overanalyze everything. I think 10 steps ahead at all times and plan for any situation that might possibly go wrong, and have to make decisions beforehand about what I'm not going to care about (if it doesn't work out/goes wrong). Campbell is the complete opposite. He doesn't look farther than 10 feet ahead of him. You mention responsibility- this man had a walk-in closet the size of my first apartment and couldn't be bothered to put his clothes on HANGERS when I first met him. That was over 6 years ago, before we even started dating, and things are obviously much different now. I supported him while he pursued a degree in Business Management with a concentration in Eco-Sustainability in New York, and he is supporting me while I continue my degree back in Texas, where we're from. He's definitely shown initiative and has taken almost full responsibility for the puppy (obviously he can't be home 100% of the time) since we've had two long conversations and reviewed my (and the puppy)'s expectations and needs.

Again, thank you so much for your reply! From what I've seen, I agree. I think that the families I've met who haven't treated their animals without any respect, also interacted with their children without respect. One of the main reasons I think that my FH has such issues with responsibility is because his parent's never expected their kids to have any accountability/responsibility in the first place. I mean, his 17 year-old sister still doesn't do her own dishes or laundry! Even his younger brother, who is my age, will hide smoked cigarettes under a lamp before getting up to throw it away! Campbell keeps saying, "he needs to find a girlfriend, then he'll get his life in order," and I always look at him sideways.

Anyways, thanks again and sorry for rambling/ranting!

Aubrianna Abbema