5 Year Vow Renewal

I think this sounds awesome. I would find a caterer though. Let your Dad enjoy your big day along with the rest of your guests. Also, its your party. You can invite whoever you want. You do not have to explain to anyone why a particular person wasn't invited and if they ask you don't actually have to give them an answer outside of "we invited who we wanted to attend".

There is nothing in your post that is against etiquette. I'm not sure why you started it the way you did. I wouldn't do that in the future if you actually want responses. Even if they aren't what you want to hear, they may still be helpful so you can avoid bad etiquette mistakes.

It's a little odd to have a vow renewal only 5 years after getting married, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with it etiquette-wise! However, a LOT can change in 4 years (or really, 3-3.5 years when you should actually start planning) so I'd lay off the details quite a bit.

Based on the details you stated, the only think that's "off" is the first dance--you can have a fancy spotlight dance if you'd like, but it's not your first dance as a married couple. I'd just change the terminology.

Your vow renewal sounds like it will be lovely. You have it well planned out. I wouldn't stress about the SIL thing right now. 4 years is a long time and things can change...for the better or for worse!

It's four years until your vow renewal. Don't settle on details yet, like a naked cake. Trends will change. New ideas will come along. Plus, if you plan for 4 years, you'll get so burned out.

Hi Mary,

Dealing with family drama is a tough and often sticky topic. Since you've been improving your relationship with your husband's parents and the renewal is still about 4 years away, perhaps you can broach the topic by politely asking if they know why the eldest daughter dislikes you so much? Perhaps they might be willing to offer up some insight. From there you can tell them it would make you uncomfortable to have her there during the renewal considering her hostility and the fact that the renewal is supposed to be a celebration of your love and joining of 2 families.

Have you ever tried talking to your sister-in-law about her behavior and why she thinks it's okay? Maybe taking her aside, just the 2 of you, to talk the situation out might result in a change of heart (and more importantly behavior). Like extending an olive branch.

Typically, I'd be quick to say screw her feelings since she clearly doesn't care about yours. Seeing as you want to avoid a family war, i can understand the soft and cautious approach you're attempting.

I hope it works out for you!

People don't usually call it a first dance, true, though the first of the evening. They usually say, To start our evening of dancing, Mary and Joe will be dancing to ............... As poster above said, not your first dance as a couple, and some people will nit pick if you say first dance. Other than teensy differences from poster's ideas for their own weddings, what is there for anyone to object to here? Beyond SIL behavior? For which you have our sympathy! Never invite someone you despise to your parties or to your home. Nothing in etiquette requires it. As for the In-laws, they have to accept that their children are independent adults now, and may not get along. They should not boycott your wedding, or be angry, if you do not invite SIL. And when MIL and FIL have parties or guests, you as a couple should not let SIL being invited, keep you away. Etiquette says, the event hosts or hostesses make all decisions about the guest list. Not guests, even family guests. Advice columns often say, you must invite all of nuclear family, and grandparents, to rehearsal dinners. But that is not based on any societal rules of etiquette. That is because advice columnists start by assuming all family love each other and get along. But where a relationship is toxic, Miss Manners, Dear Abby, others all say, the real etiquette is to include all nearest and dearest. This sibling has become unwanted due to her behavior. No obligation to invite her, she no longer meets the condition of nearest and dearest. So do not let anyone tell you it is not good etiquette to leave out 1 sibling. Sounds to me like you are planning very early. But if just setting a target date, and clearly outlining plans in advance, as we do for finishing educational or military service, makes you relax, know you can make it work, then sketch out what you want in advance. But don't announce things like who will not be invited, in advance. Keep it to yourself. If anything were to happen to SIL, parents would remember how you said this or that bad thing about her. So know, no one you do not want needs to be invited. Then do not deal with it until just before the event.

You’re not going to receive hate for having a vow renewal. This is discussed every day on WW and, as long as you are being up front with your guests about it, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. The only negative feedback you may receive will be about the food, and with good reason. Your dad didn’t get to have the wedding day experience either. Allow him to have the normal “father of the bride” wedding day experience instead of making him work at your wedding. You also don’t want to put him in a position where he’s responsible if anyone falls ill, assuming your dad isn’t an experienced and insured caterer. Just hire someone.

As for inviting sister, leave it to FH. That’s his family and it’s his decision how he wants to proceed. I wouldn’t want someone at my vow renewal who didn’t support my marriage, but I would also touch base with MIL and FIL to see how much drama it will cause if she’s not invited.

Thank you for the replies, I only specified about the hate as I remember seeing a while ago people judging someone for wanting a vow renewal but they called it a second wedding and some people were quite harsh. I saw that on a few forums of weddings and I couldn't remember which.
About my father wanting to cook: I actually want to cater as it's more reliable, he is the one that offered cooking an asado for everyone on our elopment and he mentioned to do an asado again, I want him to enjoy the night so yes that's still being decided. Also my father kinda disapproves on weddings/marriages, since he came out of a failed one 4 years ago. He ealso hates my inlaws, with reason after all the unfair rumors and insults thrown at me, so I'm not really sure he will attend due to them being present, but who knows...I thank the suggestion of catering as it sounds like less stress if there is a spark of drama.

My husband and I never ever danced before, so I got confused when I read the comments about people nitpicking that's not our first dance as a couple, I wasn't gonna have an entry of "for the first time as a married couple here comes mr and mrs" more like me and him making the quick announcement of us having our first dance as a married couple since we never had the chance, is that still bad etiquette?
About the inlaw drama: SIL was never supportive of my husband even when I wasn't in the picture, she is now acting as a "I only want what's best for you" and got offended when I tried to talk to her and her parents in a polite manner and got upset that my husband took my side and not hers. She also tends to treat my husband's little sisters (around 8 & 9 years old) in a horrible abusive way that me and my husband at least think its horrid so we don't get along with her ever and he doesn't want here there either, I did leave it up to him to invite her or his family, just like with our elopment...he truly doesn't want her around in our lives and I can't say I'm disappointed because I'm glad he doesn't want such a person in our lives. The parents used to believe (or at least now they hide it) that I used my husband for citizenship...when that's not true at all, in fact we thought of a destination wedding back in my country of origin. Afterwards they came with this theory that I would take any future children we may have back to my home country...and then they became convinced I convinced my husband not to invite them to the elopement when in fact, I kept asking him if he was sure that's what he wanted...I never even suggested not inviting them and even after explaining this to them, they still can't believe it. The story is super long, it was a very dramatic year...

Thank you for the advice!

I see nothing wrong with this at all. It looks like you're really organized and ready to go. My only advice this early is that, unfortunately, you really can't plan too much. I know you're probably excited and want to get to it, but 4 years is too early to book most vendors and way to early to invite guests. However, this is a great place for you to start getting your "wedding fix" and seeing some ideas. Good luck!

Four years is very early and so much can change. Your sister may straighten up or you may have a financial emergency 2 years from now that make it impossible to pull off a big party. Don’t get too far ahead in planning because venues can close, photographers go out of business, etc. I would wait at least two years to plan.

Thanks for the advice on early planning, I should have made myself clearer sorry, I'm actually aware it's very early and all, I only mentioned those examples to give an idea of what we kind of want. We will start actual planning a year before and venue a year and half before (due to the vineyards here being very popular and book really fast)

And I will use this website as inspiration until then

That sounds like a good timeline.

Congratulations! Renewing your vows and giving yourselves and your friends/family the chance to really celebrate your marriage is wonderful! You didn't really get the full experience before, so you guys should definitely do it!
I hope this doesn't come off too forward, but how do you and your partner feel about gifts for this occassion?

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Hi thanks! We are not registering of course, although quite a few family members of mine wanted me to because if not they will give me money (which comes well appreciated when starting the new married life) so we are going to let people know they don't have to bring anything, just themselves. However we know a few people will bring gifts regardless, mostly my family members as they are quite traditional

I would say the same thing to someone planning a legal wedding this far out. Don't get wrapped up in the details of a day long event. Enjoy life, all the regular and extraordinary things that will happen between now and then. If you find that a year or or so before you would want the renewal, then start planning it.

I be honest with you, the couples I know who had to small wedding and think they'll want a big event later, don't go through with the vow renewal. They find that they have other priorities. Some ended up going on a fantastic vacation together, others put the money towards a down payment on a home or towards an improvement project. Others had unexpected medical bills. Enjoy married life. The ups and downs, the good times and bad, enjoy it with your spouse. Enjoy knowing that you have that partner. Enjoy the encouragement and support.

One thing that did stand out to me was the cake. You're wanting to have a similar cake for the second event. I think get a small naked cake every year for your anniversary would be a fantastic way to celebrate each and every year. Don't save it for some event in the future.

View Quoted Comment I think that's thoughtful to eliminate the guess work for your guests since it's not a typical event and people get confused over etiquette surrounding gifts.
On a different note, wood is the traditional wedding gift for your 5-year; maybe you could find a way to incorporate that or a more personal traditioninto your ceremony? I went to a vows renewal where the couple branded a piece of wood that they later hung on the wall, and the meal was brunch because they had an unbroken streak of cooking brunch together every Saturday