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Savvy February 2020

1St abusive marriage taking toll on wedding dress shopping for 2nd

M, on June 2, 2019 at 9:58 PM Posted in Wedding Attire 0 7

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My first husband and I were together for 7 years and slowly our relationship unraveled terribly leaving me in a hole waiting for him to remove my skin. The last year we were together as a couple happened to be the year I was pregnant; and the abuse was at its heights. Every day he'd come home late, we'd crawl into bed, and he would start a discussion about how he would rather be with someone prettier, skinnier, sexier, or less pregnant. He told me I was hideous and no one could ever love me. He asked me if he could sleep with other women, and he suggested I slept with other men so he could feel less guilty and I wanted nothing to do with it. Our marriage continued until our son was born when one night I woke up to my husband screaming at him to stop crying, he threw things around the bedroom while I jumped up and ran down stairs with our 1 month old son. That next morning he told me he'd rather have me dead than me leaving him. 1 year later we were divorced. 1 year after that and here I am planning an elopment for next year with a man that truly loves me. I never realized what a I was missing until I had found it. My problem is I'm now so self conscious about my appearance and struggling with finding a dress alone (because I'm eloping and I dont want anyone to know about the upcoming marriage due to my ex finding out) after trying on 11 dresses, buying one from online and sending it back, I can't find a dress I can see myself getting married in. Any advice on how to find the perfect dress?

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7 Comments

Latest activity by Cher Horowitz, on June 3, 2019 at 3:10 PM

Master July 2019
Hannah · on June 2, 2019 at 10:06 PM
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I'm so sorry to went through that. That must have been incredibly difficult. Just try to remember that your fiance thinks you're beautiful and loves who you are. Is there maybe anyone who you can trust to go with you to get a 2nd opinion? Or maybe you get lucky with a good sales associate? My situation is very different from yours, but when I found my dress, my immediate thought was "I can't wait for him to see me in this." I have some self esteem issues as well, but I just felt so beautiful in that dress. Another thing I'd recommend is seek out therapy if you haven't already. You went through a traumatic experience, and it is hard to process that on your own. Check out your state's domestic violence hotline for referrals. Most places provide free services for survivors, and the hotline should be able to direct you to ones in your immediate area.
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Devoted April 2022
Amber · on June 2, 2019 at 10:16 PM
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I spent 8 years in an abusive relationship and we were engaged. Three months before the wedding I was finally able to get out. It took me over a year to regain my self-confidence. My now FH couldn’t be more different than my ex-fiancé, but I was still worried that we’d get engaged and I’d spend our whole engagement just scared that the wedding would never actually happen.

I understand not wanting anyone to know about the elopement in case your ex finds out, but I really think you should confide in a close friend or family member and let them be there to give you the emotional support you need right now. There’s no shame in admitting how you feel and needing someone to reassure you through this process.
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Legend June 2019
Melle · on June 2, 2019 at 10:38 PM
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I am sorry to hear you were mistreated like that. I am glad you're out of it. The issue for this dress finding is your self esteem - girl, you're worth it and you're beautiful and I know it can be hard to know that for yourself but that's why you're probably having a hard time because you think things don't look good on you when they probably look great. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. It'll take time to fully believe in all those things yourself but I hope you see it

If you end up finding someone to go shopping with, don't let their opinion overshadow yours either.

Don't forget to find something that makes you comfortable and something you want to be in.
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Super October 2019
W-K · on June 2, 2019 at 11:15 PM
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Therapy. And I’m not trying to be flip. I spent 13 years married to a narcissist and my self esteem suffered. CBD therapy really helped so much having me “rewire” my brain to stop those intrusive thoughts. When something like that enters my brain now I stop it, then rewrite it. It takes a lot of time to heal from those evils. *bug hugs*
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Expert June 2019
MrsJohansson · on June 3, 2019 at 9:36 AM
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I was in an abusive relationship with a narc before and I would highly recommend you to seek out counselling/therapy asap. That was the only way I was able to undo the psychological damage from putdowns about my body and to become whole again.
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Expert September 2019
Furture Mrs. G · on June 3, 2019 at 11:24 AM
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First off you need to know that what that scumbag did to you was NOT your fault. He is a sorry excuse for a man & karma will get him. Second, you need to know that whatever he said was NOT true. You are beautiful (no I don't know what you look like but, every woman is beautiful). You are strong to have endured such pain and for that I commend you. I commend you for strongly walking away. & now you are fixing to marry your ONE true love. Your FH doesn't see you as all the things your ex husband saw you as. Your FH is NOT your ex husband. I am sure he would be happy to see YOU even in pajamas. Say yes to the dress that brings tears to your eyes (that's how I knew my dress was the one). Say yes to the dress that compliments you and your body type. Say yes to the dress that you LOVE. Do not let this scumbag make you second guess yourself. He is no longer your husband. His opinions of you no longer matter. Get his voice out of your head.
You will know when the dress is the one.... Trust me.
Good luck.
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Master December 2019
Cher Horowitz · on June 3, 2019 at 3:10 PM
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I can't even begin to imagine the hell he put you through. Please remember that you're beautiful, inside and out
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