We met in 1986 when we were 14/15 years old. I was dating his best friend, but instantly fell head over heels for him. It was one of those moments that you "know". Within 6 months we were dating, but it eventually went to the wayside like most teenage romances do. The difference between Jeff and I was that we stayed friends and sometimes more. Throughout the next 15 years we were up and down; we were best friends; then we didn’t talk much; then we were dating; we were dating other people (but seeing each other in secret); then I would move; or he would move. And so it went.
Throughout all my other relationships I compared them all to Jeff. I also often told them "If he ever comes back around, see ya later". I loved him and I knew it; I always would. We were dating again in our early 20’s and I was also seeing someone else (It was all out in the open, no one was exclusive). Jeff decided that he needed to move to the west coast and I decided I was actually in love with the other man I was dating. Jeff left and instantly my heart was destroyed. It was only about 2 weeks before both of us knew we were wrong. I broke up with my other boyfriend and within days Jeff called me from CA to say he felt like he lost his soulmate. The funny thing is, when I broke up with the other man, even he said: "I wasn’t wondering when you would realize" because he knew too.
We attempted to maintain a long distance relationship for the next 2 years, which was hard. Mainly because he was a jerk (Which he freely admits, lol) He would be nice, then mean, So I would stop calling him, but then he would call me and I would take his calls. As soon as I started calling him again, he would start being mean again. So I would stop calling him AND stop taking his calls. At which point he he would fly out and show up at my door, and I would let him in. When he would fly back to CA we would talk on the phone, he would be mean again. It felt terrible and I cried all the time but the entire time I didn’t date anyone because I knew there was no point, I would never be happy without him and unless I changed, he would never change. Eventually I saw the cycle: If he had me on the hook, he was often mean. This was new, something he had never done which is why it took so long for me to recognize it: Whenever I would stop doing whatever I was doing, he would step up his efforts to get me back, and it had to stop.
One night he knocked on my door unexpectedly from CA, I did let him in. But I made him sleep on the couch and sent him out first thing in the morning. This time? He never left. He kept coming back over the next few weeks and I kept making him sleep on the couch, if I even let him in. One night we had a long, long talk and I stood up for myself no matter how much it hurt. I wasn’t playing the games anymore. I had been in love with him for 10 years at that point, but I would not be put in pain anymore. Later he told me it scared him. He thought I would always be there, and this time, he thought he lost me forever.
He never went back to CA and he was the old Jeff I had always known and loved. We dated exclusively for the next two years and our bond got stronger and stronger. Eventually he moved in slowly, 1 box at a time, actually he never even asked. I found out from his best friends wife that he told them he lived there ;-) of course I wanted him too as well, he was always just "too scared" I guess of rejection or commitment maybe to actually say "Can I move in?" (Everyone laughs about this now). I told him often that the first time I saw him, I knew we would marry. He told me that was just what I remembered because I wanted to, but there was no way I could have known that. One day I found a letter that I had written when I was 19, but had never given him. In it said "One day I will marry you". As we were now in our later-20’s and this letter was clearly almost 10 yrs old, He never denied it again!
Then one day, he did what he swore he would never do with anyone, and he proposed. I didn’t feel it was the right time to say "I Told You So" so I just let it go, lol. We have now been married for 7 years. And while we have walked through hell since we married, we have endured together. We have been deeply connected for 22 years now, and I have loved him for 22 years. There are no skeletons in the closets because I am his skeletons, and he is mine. We were together when we made them which makes us even closer.
This year we will renew our vows knowing that we have endured in our first 7 years of marriage, what I hope other couples never have to endure. We have fought hard financial times, medical crisis, death of others, near death of me, loss of our children, cancer, his disabilities. I was always the stronger, forthright, direct and openly supportive one with strong self-esteem (And hidden abandonment issues). He was always the quiet, behind the scenes, still living in fear from past rejections, and not sure how to be supportive. Through these last 7 years there were many times I lost my composure, strength, health, and self-esteem that he would not stay with me through the big C and all the other health issues it creates. During that same time he had to learn how to be stronger, supportive, and to "let go" of his fears, all this while fighting his own personal demons. There was one specific time that I will never forget where he had to stand by and watch ER doctors swarming all over me with needles, tubes, screaming, rushing me into emergency surgery where I only had a 5% chance to live. I was terrified and he was holding my hand and I saw tears streaming down his face and the fear and rage because there was nothing he could do but watch and hold my hand and tell ME that everything would be ok, when he didn’t believe it. I am not sure there is a worse position for a man to be in, and frankly I am surprised he didn’t run at that moment to save his own self, but he didn’t.
Together we have grown, strengthened, fought our fears, similar rejection/abandoment issues, and become completely different people than who we once were. Through it all we stayed strong, stayed committed, and most importantly, stayed in love. While I have talked about renewal several times, it never happened for whatever reason (I beleive its because we weren’t through it yet because there was ALWAYS another crisis). This year is different, it feels right, he is accepting who is he, I just past my 5-yr Cancer-free and officially became a survivor, we have learned how to communicate. It feels like the sky is finally opened and although the pain of loss is still poignant, I know we will survive it. All the pieces are coming together for us to renew our vows to the people we are today, recommit ourselves in front of those closest to us, who watched us ride these storms (And I wouldn’t be surprised if they questioned if we could survive them!) and see us now, and never walked away. We honored the vows we took that day and even more importantly, we honored the connection that existed the moment we met 22 years ago.
While this is our Story and it covers more time alive together, then we have lived alone, it has really only just started....
