Working opposite shifts is ruining our marriage

I'm nervious about this too. I work at a law firm so that's just the typical Monday through Friday. My fiance is a correctional officer. When he first started, he worked the night shift. I liked it because he claims it gives him more time during the day because he can just sleep until 2pm or something and he would have the rest of the day ahead of him. This past January, he switched to the day shifts. He isn't a huge fan of it because he feels as if he loses a lot of the day. He wants to switch back to nights and he also thinks that will be perfect for when we have kids because we won't need daycare...I'm fine with the shift back to the night shift because he really did seem to get more of his day with that shift, but I'm terrified to have kids with opposite shifts. I dont think he realizes that neither of us will get any sleep if we work opposite shifts taking care of kids and I'm scared it will cause stress on our relationship. I know we will be able to get through anything, but the added stress scares me. Especially when he doesn't understand my view of it.

I'm sorry that's not advice. I'm not really sure how to help. Maybe if both of you can take a week off. Go somewhere just the two of you and spend time reconnecting. You dont even need to go anywhere. You can just save home and reconnect. Look through wedding photos and just talk. It brings you back to happy times.

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much for your comment. I know I'm not the only person in a situation like this. It's crazy what the added stress and lack of sleep can do to a relationship. That is what I worry about with having kids as well, having family time together is important and that wouldn't happen often. I also feel like with him working nights, I would end up doing 90% of the work with kids. Getting up early, getting them to daycare (since he can't care for them while he is sleeping), and then making dinner and putting them to bed.

I really like your advise about taking a week off to reconnect and remember why we're together in the first place. I hope we can eventually work through this and maybe adapt or make some changes to help it work for both of us. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I’m in LE as well and I also work the night shift... and I can see why he chooses that shift, I love that shift!!! It is the best shift, less stressful, less dangerous (even thou most of the felonies happen at night) depending what state/department he works for nights has less officials and believe that can make a difference on the stress level!!! My FH also wanted me to do daywork or evenings but I just can’t.. I have tried and I am so miserable as well... I understand your frustration believe me! Do you at least have any days off in common??? My FH and I work the night shift (he’s not LE) but we have complete opposite days off so in order for us to spend any time together I have to lose sleep on his days off, I take leave, or call out every now and then... I always take leave and we plan our dates around his schedule/days off because my is more flexible... my advice would be to find something to keep your mind occupied, find a hobby, and maybe he can lose some sleep as well so y’all can have some type of life... stay strong, and please try to understand as well.. going to work while having problems at home is not safe for him..

View Quoted Comment In reference to the kids, I have a lot of coworkers with kids that work the night shift as well and what they do is this...

depening how many days off your husband gets (we get 3)... kid goes to daycare on his work days(4 days) and wife is basically taking care of the baby at night, getting ready for daycare and such.. (of course he took family leave)... on his days off he takes care of the kid day and night... and it works out better when she’s off too because since we work nights we are used to staying up all night, it really helped his wife out at the beginning so she could rest..

I'm not in the exact same situation but our schedules do conflict with one another.. so we made sure to have every Monday & tuesday off together even if it'll make our weeks harder

Someone's job has got to change. You need to be on the both shift. Your marriage is more important. You gotta be on the same shift.

My fh and I are simular. He works nights and I work long days (self employed) I find having him on nights and sleeping during the day allows me to rarely rush to get home to him. When my days run long it's not like someone is sitting waiting for me. Sunday is usually our day off together but we also have his kids that day so every once in a while we date night on Sunday and he sacraficiss a day with his kids for me.

Ive pretty much accepted that once we have kids I'll be single parenting tue to Sunday. Then Mondays and Tuesdays when he's off I'll need him to do most of the work.

To me I can deal. I'm not unhappy now, but I could see kids changing everything.

You guys need to find a better schedule somehow though. Try planning a date night every other week and see if that makes you both feel important to one another again!

My FH and I both work days but he has to work out of town most of the week. It’s not identical to your situation but I understand what you mean by lonely. I took a step down at work to move to another state to be close to him but not far from my family. If Illinois tax rate wasn’t so outrageous then I would have moved closer to where he works since I work out of my home. I really done know anyone here so when he is gone, I get extremely lonely. I do have kids from a previous marriage that keeps me company during the school year. Now, in order for us to make sure we are communicating and thinking of each other we set time aside time every night to talk. After kids are in bed i call him and we talk sometime for hours. I realize your husband is working but could you set aside 15 minutes (no emergency happening) and make sure you all communicate? It may be a good start. Maybe you could send him some flirty messages to make him miss you. It sounds like you aren’t real happy with your job and while I don’t recommend you just quitting...find another opportunity that you may enjoy more that offers similar benefits. I’m sure you want him to be happy at his job but you deserve to be as well. Hang in there...I’m sure you all will find a groove that works for the two of you.

Maybe I'm used to it because it's all I've known in my relationship, but my fiance is out most days AND nights. He works 2 jobs and is in 2 full time bands...m he gets hired out in 2 or 3 other bands. At least 3 days out of the week he is out from 8 am until 2 am easily. He also goes to a lot of concerts and festivals. I'm pretty independent myself and deeply enjoy my personal time. I'm an artist and use the time to be creative. I also use my free time to hang with friends. Just to be clear lol, I'm always invited to all these events with him. I choose to opt out most of the time now. After 5 years of constant loud music I need a break for my ears lol. We have our weekends together when hes mot working and some nights he is home.

Do you guys have any days of the week off together? I always felt the time apart was the reason why our relationship is so healthy. I dont think I could deal with ALWAYS having someone else home. It bothered me when I lived home too... love the peace and quiet time lol. What if you got some personal hobbies to do? Plan some weekend vacations when he is off. Make the best out of the time you are together.

My parents actually did this, they said it's great for little kids but if you do it too long you either need someone to change shifts or jobs or get a divorce. My mom said once the kids hit school the night shift doesn't work out for anyone, she loved the hospital night shifts and is still mad she gave it up, but knows it was for the better.
I feel like because you're newly Weds you're still in the honey moon phase and want time together, I think you both need to commit to spending time together at least once a week and go on vacations often.

My sister has a very similar situation. She is a nurse that works a 12 hour shift and normally gets out late. My BIL works nights as a police officer. The way they do it is my sister gets the baby up and to daycare in the morning, BIL comes home and sleeps til the afternoon and picks up the baby from daycare. He (baby) goes to bed early and when my sister comes home they have dinner and relax together until he goes in around 10. It works for them, maybe you can work something out like that, or maybe see a counselor. I hope you find a situation that works for you!

Everyone acts like benefits are the be all and end all of a job, but if you're going to a job that's making you unhappy and this schedule conflict is causing a lot of problems, I think it's time to look for a new job. There could be the perfect job out there that you love that also has good benefits and may have a flexible schedule or shifts that could work with your husbands but you won't know if you don't look. Obviously don't quit before you have something else lined up but I think it's worth looking.

My fiance is a correction officer who works night shift while I work day shift. While I would like for him to eventually switch to day shift, it works for us for now. We have made the little things into mini-dates. Like grocery shopping and just sitting and watching tv. It can be frustrating, but communication is key when working opposite shifts. I can't say we have it down to a science and it's perfect because it's not, but we have to work together to try to make it better after miscommunication occurs. It sounds like you also aren't really happy with your job at all. Why not, take some time to look for another job that would make you enjoy what you do. You don't have to quit your job right away, just start putting feelers out to see what you could do that would make you happy.

On your days off together, make sure one of them is spent reconnecting. Even if it doesn't sound super romantic, cleaning a room or other chores can turn out to end up fun and silly. But, I will admit, me and my fiance are super independent so we like our separate time, which makes the time we are together more special.

I hope things work out between you and your husband. And that things get better.

My husband and I both work odd hours but we make it work and make sure we communicate and spend time together.

My husband has a varying schedule of five to six days a week and a sometimes very lengthy commute. I work days and some evenings too, but when I started my job they wanted me to work both weekend days, so there'd be long stretches when we had no days off together. I'd fall asleep before he got home, and we'd just pass each other. It was very stressful, too stressful. Eventually I told my job that I needed Sundays off, full stop. If I hadn't been able to get that, I would have quit. Now we know we always have one day off together each week, and when my husband's between projects, I take my vacation time also. We always have something to look forward to. You can definitely make it work. I will say that finding a job that you like (or ideally love) makes a huge difference. If you're less stressed, it will put less stress on the marriage. I have a job I love that I made work, and I wouldn't have it if I hadn't quit a crappy job I hated and complained about every day.

I'm a nurse and work nights, while my fiance is an engineer and works a normal Monday-Friday job. First off, it would take a lot to make me ever change to dayshift, and he knows it and would never ask that of me. Second, by me working nights, he can do things that I don't want to do or like to do. For example, he can work on his car and do man-stuff like that that I find boring. Point being, get a hobby. Start going to the gym or knitting or baking or anything to keep you busy. Why don't you go to dinner with your friends or have them over for a game night? You hate it because you're bored. You're not sleeping right because you haven't done enough during the day to actually get tired. I go through the same thing on my days off (I work 12 hour shifts so I only work 3 days a week). If I don't keep busy, then I get lonely and bored and cranky, then I can't sleep at night and irritate him. Fortunately, he knows how I am and finds me amusing. So like I said, find something to occupy your time while he's at work. Feeling productive doing something, anything, will make you feel better about yourself and help everything else fall in line.

I really appreciate all the comments and advice! I realize that every person's needs are different and it will take some time to find out what will work best for us. This helps me take a step back and think in different perspectives. It's all about compromise and I'm sure we'll make it work for us!

That has to be tough. I don't have any answers. I know when my husband has to work overtime on the weekend or an odd shift because he's an electrician and sometimes the hours changes drastically for a day or two to be able to get a specific part of a job done..it's hard.

It doesn't happen much but when your sitting at the kitchen table and he isn't across from you while you eat, it's lonely. I've called my mom before during just so I have someone to talk to while I eat. Or sometimes my cats will chill on the table while I eat so it's not so bad, and my dog is always by my side so that helps, but it's not he same as him being there.

It's rough.

Love always finds a way though and the two of you love each other. You will find a way.

I don't know if this is possible but here are some things we do:

>Plan out date nights (they can be during the day if needed)

>Plan a weekend getaway (even if its just for the day, alone time is good)

>Leave cute little notes for each other. (One time I had a boyfriend who wrote I love you on my bathroom mirror so when I got out of the shower and it all got fogged up I saw it. Was super sweet). (Last weekend my husband was leaving for a trip with the guys and he cleaned the entire house, even mowed the lawn, and picked me up some of my favorite snacks and a Gerber Daisy which is my favorite AND left a cute note to say he loved me. So even though I wouldn't see him for a few days, I knew he cared, he's thinking about me, and we'd be okay.) This is HUGE for me.

>We use google hangouts, and during breaks we leave each other messages. They are short and to the point and nothing negative is allowed. It's just like how was your day? What did our cute puppy do? How are the cats? etc etc.

I'm sure there are other things but that's all I've got in my brain right now. On another note if he likes your job and benefits maybe while he's at work and your not you could start looking for a job that is on his shift that has equally good pay and benefits? Who knows what could be out there.

Good luck! Love will win You guys can do this!

View Quoted Comment

Jeanie,

Isn't it kind of funny how things we think irritate our husbands they know find adorable? My husband finds my whining when I'm sleeping adorable. I don't understand it, but whatever works for him, ha!

Im in the same boat i need some advice on what to do