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Devoted September 2012

Who else hates talking about the home-buying process with everyone?

The Sealpups, on June 26, 2020 at 7:23 PM Posted in Married Life 0 15
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Getting married and having a wedding was the beginning of everything. Then it becomes a domino effect of the house, baby, new job, newer house, more babies, vacation, etc... your life, pretty much. I am completely lost yet focus now. Got married, graduated with a master's degree, looking for my career job but want to have kids soon. I'm in my 30's and want it all but baby steps. I actually feel ready (emotionally & mentally now) compared to a few months however, we're also looking for a place of our own. We've been fortunate to rent with our in laws for a way cheaper price. Apparently, many newlyweds have been doing this in our area. We have our own space on the third floor. At this point, we would like to stick it out here UNTIL I get my job, financially stable, and be in our long-term home. What's tricky is that we live in tech city - it's slowly but surely becoming an expensive place to live, even outside of downtown.

We did make some progress and now have a realtor, broker and just ran up credit reports. We would barely be able to make payments. We've decided for now to hold off and keep in touch with the real estate agent with that particular community, They plan to build more in 2021. I really love the community and area.

I know it doesn't matter what people think but I HATE when people ask about the home process. Some people I intuitively feel like they care and some, just wanna know and for some reason, get all competitive about (which I don't understand bc everyone is on their own path). I have a friend my age (we got married around the same time) who was really KEEN on my husband and I getting an apartment and just gives us financial and home advice. His sister in law does this too. Maybe they mean well but discouraging people to buy a house or encouraging people to get an apartment just seems so bold - they don't know our finances and values. I just HATE having to talk about it because it's such a process, I don't need unsolicited advice, and it's just a BIG complicated process- home buying.

My husband said something that struck me too - money will come but the time and youth will not. We're both ready. My cousin said her and her husband just bought their first home once their daughter turned one. Another friend got her first home when she was 6 months pregnant. They said it was worth the wait. I just don't wanna hear from other people that we don't have the house first and that we need that first before a baby, etc...


RANDOM - also any advice with baby planning? pre-natals? I just started membership at a pilates/yoga place and am getting in shape and healthy.

15 Comments

  • Emily
    Rockstar August 2020
    Emily ·
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    Yeah sounds like people are just being nosey! I’d brush it off, I think it’s just an easy convo for people to bring up. But you and your husband know what is best for you, they don’t.
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  • Jessica
    VIP September 2020
    Jessica ·
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    Everyone has an opinion about everything it seems, but only the two of you know what is going to be best for you. My FH bought his house a few months before we met, and we lived there together for a few years until we decided it was time for us to look for a bigger house together, and when we started looking boy did people have opinions! I'd just let people know that the two of you are going to make the best decisions for you and hopefully they will get it and back off. Unfortunately, in my experience, it only gets worse with "well-meaning" pregnancy and parenting advice.

    I don't have great prenatal advice other than to talk to your doctor, they will be able to provide the best advice based on your medical history and health.

    I loved doing yoga and pilates, I've been out of the routine for a while and need to get back into it! Good luck!

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  • Mrs. S
    Super November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
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    We’re trying now and when I get pregnant we’re having a baby in an apartment. We don’t even know what city we’re going to live in yet, there is no way we’re buying a house. When people ask me about it I just say nope we’re not buying a house right now. They back off when they realize it’s not open for discussion. I’ve been taking prenatals for a few months and using opks. Im on the two week wait right now, hoping for the best!
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  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    We live in 500 sq. ft. and are TTC. It's the NYC metro area, we ... kinda figure we're stuck, at least for a bit. I feel you on the ridiculous prices. We'll just get creative with space.

    As for TTC, start prenatals, now, you should be taking them AT LEAST a month before you get pregnant. Be advised that it takes, on average about 6-12 months for most folks, without intervention. Our doctor said to have intercourse every other day during your fertile period (start tracking). After that, stop thinking about it. If you stress out about it, you'll drive yourself up the wall.

    And treat home-buying like TTC: it's no one's business but your own!

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
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    Everyone moves at their own pace. Don't let anyone talk you into something you clearly are not financially in a position to maintain. More importantly, don't let what other people are doing convince you that's what you should be doing. Your current situation is perfect for you and your spouse. Use this time to save money and improve your credit. Once you are ready to purchase, don't buy more house than you need. IMPO, your 1st home should be an investment that you will keep after you move into your dream home. This way you have additional income which can be put towards your retirement and your children education.

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  • Breann
    Devoted June 2020
    Breann ·
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    It amazes me that people don't realize that bombarding you with unsolicited opinions, especially regarding your life choices, is flat out rude! I think we all have to put up with it to varying degrees. I think I'm finally done hearing all about us "living in sin" for the past year now that we're married, but I'm sure the baby guilt won't stop for the rest of my fertile years. Even though I personally don't want to have a baby and my husband got a vasectomy years ago when his daughter was young.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Oh no! “Living in sin”- I’m guessing you are catholic or belong to a very conservative Christian family? I’m sorry to hear that. Like many people have been telling me, you and your partner do what’s best.


    The first line is so true. I don’t mind other people as much but it’s my close friend who tends to be nosy and ask and pry about my living situation as if she’s my mother. I don’t know why. We’re the same age, we just got married. My husband and I have our values and wants in a home and does she and her husband. She gives me unsolicited advice with home stuff as if she’s been a realtor for years and it annoys me. I absolutely hate discussing this bc it opens a rabbit hole of discussions and explanations, like our finances, how much we’ve saved up, our preferences. We live in Seattle where real estate is now insane, especially in the cities up north. The new homes average from $650k-900k. Older homes being sold (made in the 70s) are worth $500k. We’re planning on staying in the area where we grew up and somewhat near our parents. I have no problem talking about this with my realtor and broker since they’re the experts but not my friend. Like she has to know an update everytime we see each other
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  • Breann
    Devoted June 2020
    Breann ·
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    His parents are Mormon so.....there's a lot of subtle and non-so-subtle judgement. That's odd that it's a friend being pushy/nosy. Maybe she's deflecting or trying to validate that she's "on track" by hearing herself talk about those things like an expert?

    I hear ya with the real estate thing. We're across the water from you in Kitsap County and even the massive fixer uppers are WAY overpriced. We're renting and will likely wait for another buyer's market...however long that'll be.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Hi neighbor!

    "trying to validate she's on track" -BOOM. I think you've figured out the mystery, my friend. Thank you! In my head, she's always been the copycat friend bc she seems to ask what life event I'm doing and seems to follow along. I found it annoying. She'll tell me to start with an apartment bc that's how she did it but my husband & I are not into apartments (we've been talking with our realtor/broker for a long time and it was never what we wanted). I remember getting into grad school and being so stressed out and busy . She someone made it seem like we were one person and said, "Yeah, WE are so busy!" Even with wedding planning - "I'm not gonna have a midnight snack but what about you? What are YOU doing?"

    Yeah, I had a co-worker in Bremerton was telling me how INSANE the housing market was over there too. I looked at some of the new homes there online and they were gorgeous, especially the ones by the water. I feel like I'm in a tricky spot. Once everyone stopped pressuring me to have a baby, I had time for myself to think. Covid has changed everything and made me realize how much time I've wasted, especially in my 20's. I don't regret it but I spent so much time on school that I wasn't able to just get a decent career and save up. My finances are horrible right now with student loans, which blocks home buying (essentially). I'm 33 and I don't have that time like I did i my 20's and I do want a baby. What's stopping me is my career (not hired yet) and housing (can't buy a house but staying at my in laws has been WAY better with renting costs). Husband says we're fine financially. Everyone seems to be hell bent on doing things the "right away" - I know I'll be judged by other females with having a baby without my career and living with parents while saving up. The money and objects will come and go but the time won't aka that time to try for babies.

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    I like the way you think Smiley smile that's exactly what our realtor and broker told us. The first home is not the forever home. It's an investment Smiley smile Thank you for your reassurance. I responded to another a great poster who was very encouraging. I feel like I'm at a tough spot bc covid has made me realize more about time I've wasted so much time in my 20's on my education that I didn't have a job to be more financially stable right now. Our parents have been great with letting us stay, save up, and having cheaper rent. I'm 33 and time is no one's friend. What's having me hesitant with babies now is: 1. career (not hired yet) 2. our own place. I know everyone will judge me for having kids without having these 2 things yet but i do know people who waited until both of these were done and later found a hard time with the baby thing.

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
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    Trust me, you didn't waste your 20's on your education. I didn't finish my education until I was 32. I bought my first "home" a duplex at 35 and lived there for 6 years before I was able to purchase my dream home just before my 40th birthday.

    As for children, you have your children when YOU want to have them. Several of my sorority sisters had children before they purchased their first home. As a matter of fact, ALL of them lived with their parents so they could pay off their student loans and all their credit card debts which put them in a better position financially to purchase the first home better suited for their family rather than the one they could afford. You keep moving in the direction you're going. Take it slow and don't rush any decisions.

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  • Breann
    Devoted June 2020
    Breann ·
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    Hey no worriesSmiley smile I used to be caught up in doing things the "right way" to the point that I married the wrong person and felt pressured to stay with him from my own parents! (They still think divorce is a shameful thing). I also had a few friends that made everything seem competitive and stressful.

    But after spiraling into a deep depression and feeling trapped, I decided to follow my heart and get divorced. That decision snatched away my safety net and everything was chaos, but in a good way somehow. I decided to move to Japan for 6 months, met the person I'm married to now; life has not been as linear as it used to be, but I also feel so much less pressure. I have different friends these days who are much more easy going, and I've also stopped putting so much pressure on myself to live up to expectations. (By saying things aren't as linear, what I mean is that I am much more open to plans changing or not knowing what's next and being okay with it.)

    I'm sure it sounds cold, but I surround myself with people who are supportive of my choices, or at least respectful enough to keep their opinions to themselves. And the ones who just add doubts or constantly make me feel uncertain are the ones I distance myself from.

    If you do decide to move to Kitsap County, I'd recommend avoiding the downtown Bremerton area. Most places around here are safe but that's somewhere you don't walk alone at night.

    What did you go to school for, if you don't mind me asking? I only know a few people who went to grad school, and I admire that level of dedication! I was frazzled after my Bachelor's!

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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Thank you so much for sharing your story! Wow! Your journey has given me such a great perspective, thank you! Based on the people in my life, I’ve noticed that the ones who want to live life perfectly and want to be seen as doing things linear, are low key the judgemental types and nothing ever really works out in their favor...it’s almost does. My cousin had total middle child syndrome and used to brag how she was the only college graduate, then married her long term boyfriend, got her brand new home down South (pierce county) but has a hard time conceiving. My husband’s cousin did something similar and she unfortunately miscarried (prayers for her, that must be awful). My sister in law is very judgy and has never hidden an opportunity to “help” me (aka pitying & criticizing me for my life choices) but someone told me, “the wives who are seen as ‘in charge’ are usually the ones with lazy husbands...that gets old fast. They’re miserable deep down”. My own sister is nearing 30 and is not in a relationship. I feel her becoming more bitter as life moves on bc now ALL of her friends are either married or starting a family.


    I talked about it with my husband and we decided to lay off of finding our own for now. His parents have a big 3 story house. They will be empty nesters soon. They’re barely home (bc of work) and we have our own space in the downstairs living space. They don’t pry at all- if anything his sister is the one that does. I’m close to my mid 30’s and I don’t wanna take time for granted (with kids). My parents are less than 5 minutes away and located where the future light rail will be Smiley smile i know it will be temporary and hopefully by then, we’ll be comfortable and grounded with finances. It just sucks bc as women, I feel like we get the bad end of the stick. I’ll get judged more for staying in my in laws big house, pregnant bc the rule is “you’re supposed to have your own place before you have kids!” 🤦🏻‍♀️☹️ I already feel shamed from my friend, sister in law, and sister.
    I graduated from UW. I’m trying to get a job at amazon (spec. Amazing care) now bc it’s in the field from what I graduated from Smiley smile we were actually in Bremerton recently! I can’t believe how INSANE it is now! There’s a lot of people now vs. a few years ago. Definitely booming!!
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  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
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    Thank you so much for your encouragement! I was telling someone else on here that as women, I feel that we get judged more. When I told my friend that house hunting will be delayed and that I wanted to prep for kids, she said, “but you need to get your own house first!” Homes are very very expensive in my city and will continue to be bc of the booming tech industry. Husband and I decided to stay with his parents for now. They’re official empty nesters in 2 months and have a BIG 3 story house- we live in their downstairs space. And most of the time, they’re gone bc of work. They don’t pry nor are they nosy. We just want to be able to pay off my student loans (form grad school) and get that job security before continuing further. I hear stories of nurses getting furloughed and it scares me. My friend and sister are already judging me bc I’m not following the rules. Then again, my sister followed the rules and she’s almost 30, never been in a committed relationship and all her friends are either married or starting a family. My friend and her husband have their own house but it’s not their forever home, which is fine, however, once kids come, it’ll be less easier to get out, especially to the neighborhood she really wants to go to. His parents are supportive and my parents are supportive and see it from a “smart economical standpoint”. We pay rent and cook for them on occasion. I just don’t want to be those couples who seem like they’re mooching off parents of who can’t function independently.
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  • Breann
    Devoted June 2020
    Breann ·
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    As long as things aren't too stressful sharing a house with the in-laws, that sounds like a great plan! Less stressful that making big financial decisions when the timing might not be right for sure

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