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VIP May 2020

Venting

Jai, on June 1, 2021 at 9:30 PM

Today my mom got spinal fusion surgery and we went to visit her in the hospital. As we are visiting her my husbands on his phone reading a book. I ask to speak to him outside her room because I find his behavior rude and say this to him when we are alone. We are here to visit not read, I don't do this to his family. We have visited his uncle in the hospital before and neither of us read, we focused on the visit. Well he tells my mom that he has a lot to do today (focus on his truck to get it ready to haul stone down to where they live to help then cover more of their driveway) and how he doesn't want to stay too long. Well later on in the evening I called my mom and she was a little hurt that he had said that to her. She told me my presence is more important than his, and she appreciates him visiting but wants me there. Well we continue to argue about what he did and he thinks I'm over reacting and nitpicking and he's tired of conforming for me. I told him people change their bad hurtful habits for the people they love and he's tired of changing because he can't. I told him that if his temper changed he's perfect for me. Well he tells me therapy isn't working and to find a good lawyer in a couple of months. I tell him calmly that sometimes people don't work out and that's okay, even if it hurts I'll let him go. I love him but we may be too different and I want someone with a similar temperament to me; and that he brings out the worst in me, and I'm not normally an angry person. It usually takes a lot to get me angry but he triggers the worse parts of me. And after talking to my therapist, I decided that during our next couples therapy session I want to tell my husband in a safe setting that I love him, and I want this to work. But if things are still this way by the end of the year, before we sign for a townhome and invest a lot of money into it, I want to reconsider and go our separate ways. I love him and always will, but I have to put me first and I'm tired of trying when we make it so far then it all falls apart. We agreed tonight that his anger will make or break this marriage. I walk on eggshells around him all the time and can't ever 100% fully tell him how I feel because of his temper. I can't live the rest of my life this way.

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30 Comments

Master August 2019
Rebecca · on June 2, 2021 at 3:41 AM
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Hannah is right.
I've BEEN in this relationship - where I felt that I had to fix him, where I wasn't myself around him, where I felt like I had to "keep" him... and where he was perfectly content to tell me that I'd never leave.
I did leave.
And it was the best thing I ever did for myself, because I was unhappy, unhealthy, and driving my friends and family away.
My only advice is not to give yourself a timeline you feel you have to keep. If he says therapy isn't working, and you are so unhappy... spending the rest of the year forcing change won't do anything, except prolong your misery.
I'm so sorry, hun.
VIP May 2020
Jai · on June 2, 2021 at 5:35 AM
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I appreciate this and couldn't agree more.
VIP May 2020
Jai · on June 2, 2021 at 5:42 AM
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I appreciate your support, you always commrnt on my posts and say eye opening things. And that does help me. You're right I don't want to prolong my misery at all, I want to be happy.
VIP May 2020
Jai · on June 2, 2021 at 5:44 AM
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The fundamental changes you brought up, I never really thought about that. It's true, neither of us wants to change and I do want someone that's more similar to me.
Savvy October 2021
Dana · on June 2, 2021 at 10:11 AM
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Yeahh that's just not a way to live... It's good that at least he hasn't gotten to the level that you're afraid of him but still. You mentioned he goes to therapy but honestly he should be in an anger management program if he really wants to change
Dedicated June 2021
Doxie Mom · on June 2, 2021 at 10:23 AM
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Sorry you are going through this.

Woman go into marriage thinking men will change and men go into marriage thinning woman never will.
Master October 2019
Meghan · on June 2, 2021 at 11:30 AM
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So, when I first read your post I was thinking what's the big deal? So he was reading, its not that serious. But, as I read on, I can see that you two have deeper lying issues and this is just something you probably brought up out of lingering frustration. If couples counseling is not working, and he does not seem interested to change, then ending your marriage might be the healthiest decision for both of you. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Expert September 2022
Courtney · on June 2, 2021 at 11:50 AM
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I had a similar reaction. My FH likes to read/watch videos on his phone if he's not actively being brought into the conversation. It's just how he is as a person.
Looking at old posts/reading others comments who have followed your journey it's clear that your husband isn't a good fit. The stubborn unwillingness to take your concerns seriously and the out-of-proportion reactions to you expressing yourself are things that won't change. They may improve for a while, but it's unlikely to ever fully go away.
This man has already told you to get a lawyer, from everything I've ever seen that's a clear indication that the relationship is over, and you'll save yourself months of continuing heartache if you begin taking the steps to walk away now.
VIP June 2019
MIWM · on June 4, 2021 at 7:59 PM
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Seek counseling asap!!

Dedicated June 2021
Reasie · on June 4, 2021 at 10:50 PM
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There were quite a few points made in your "venting" post that signals "You'll be wasting your time if you stay while waiting for him to change". Unfortunately, the only person who will change in your current, horrible marriage is YOU.
RESENTMENT, FEAR, CONFUSION, and all things negative are surely attaching themselves to your personality each moment you stay with this insensitive man-child you have told us about in earlier post. Having to walk on eggshells isn't LIVING but merely existing in your own household and you shouldn't put up with it. It really is time for you to GET OUT! Your marriage was over long before now and the final nail was his statement, "therapy isn't working and to find a good lawyer in a couple of months." Any man foolish enough to say that is actually saying he DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN about the marriage or you.
I'm a FIRM believer that the only thing that totally destroys a marriage is when one or both stop CARING. When CARING is gone, there really is no point of wasting time or money on couples' therapy. Begin using all of those resources on HEALING you.
I am speaking from experience and GREAT EMPATHY. After almost 17 yrs of total BS in a marriage that I ignored the warning signs while dating, it took 3 yrs for me to "escape". Now I'm healed and on June 26th, I will be marrying a man who truly LOVES me.
Using every painful emotional as a stepping stone on your way out...YOU ARE A SURVIVOR! Now get ready to OVERCOME and then...LIVE!