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L
Just Said Yes May 2025

Throwing an engagement party in lieu of a wedding

Lilly, on February 8, 2024 at 12:51 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 12
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My fiancé and I are decided on eloping next spring. We haven’t decided on whether of not we are throwing a party for our family and friends after our wedding and to be honest we are leaning towards no because it seems so daunting to deal with after our honeymoon.


However, I recently learned his family wants to throw me a shower before our wedding. I feel pretty awful taking gifts from people without anything to give back, so we decided on throwing an engagement party for our family and friends and depending how smoothly that goes, we can decide if we are throwing a party after our elopement.
I just want to get your input on this. Does this sound appropriate? We made it clear to our family and friends before sending invites that we are eloping so they are clear that there won’t be a wedding they are invited to. Our families aren’t very traditional and for the most part are supportive of our decision to elope, so I dont think this will offend anyone.

12 Comments

Latest activity by CM, on February 10, 2024 at 1:14 AM
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Etiquette says that if you elope, you give up all pre wedding parties. Because those are for people invited to the wedding day. You can send announcements after the wedding to those you would have invited. But it’s not appropriate to go the other way.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    A later celebration is fine but your plan is not appropriate. Anyone invited to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding for what I’d consider obvious reasons.


    They may not say anything but I would not be so sure people won’t be offended or at least roll their eyes at you behind closed doors. Traditional or not it’s a widely known etiquette rule.
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  • R
    Rockstar June 2018
    Rae ·
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    A casual celebration after your elopement shouldn't take more work than planning an engagement party. It makes more sense to celebrate afterwards and consider stating "no gifts" on the invite.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    It doesn't make sense to throw a party to celebrate something that no-one is invited to attend. Makes more sense to have a party upon your return. Since you're eloping, you shouldn't expect shower/bachelorette etc. I would not refer to gifts at all on the invite, it's against etiquette.

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  • L
    Just Said Yes May 2025
    Lilly ·
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    No gifts are expected and there was no reference to it on the invite. I also want to add that neither of us are expecting Bach/showers but our friends and family are still offering these to us despite or repeated nos. We declined the bridal shower multiple times but his mother has her mind set on it and will probably throw a surprise shower as we turn it down. We were together for 7 years before the engagement so we are very close to each of the other person’s families. This is a celebration more for them than for us.
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  • C
    CM ·
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    I would just make it clear to her that you don’t want any surprises. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve been together. If anything that argues against any need for a shower.
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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Unfortunately showers are only meant for invited wedding guests and I think accepting a shower could create lots of confusion and hurt feelings among guests. I d simply explain to the families that since you are opting for a private wedding/elopement you will not be having any of the traditional wedding events and appreciate their understanding. I would say that their love and support mean the world to you and you will be having a happily ever after celebration after the elopement. If your families are really hurt by this and upset to not be having traditional wedding events I d reconsider eloping or at least just invite parents and siblings. Ultimately it's your choice, wishing you all the best.

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  • Jacks
    Rockstar November 2054
    Jacks ·
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    Again though, that may create confusion for people who may be expecting an invitation to a further event. You can choose this route, I'm just pointing out the etiquette and that it may be a faux pas.

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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Typically, pre-wedding events for elopements are frowned upon. However, if it is a properly hosted event (ie, guests will not be paying for any portion of the evening) and all parties invited to the engagement party are aware that you are eloping, then I don’t see anything wrong with it. I would just make it very clear that it is strictly a non-gift giving event. The shower, however, is a huge no. You need to have a talk with FMIL - perhaps she is not aware that hosting the shower would be in incredibly poor taste, and a huge faux pas. Tell her you really appreciate the intention behind it, but you are absolutely not comfortable with it. Set a firm boundary and maintain it.


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  • L
    Just Said Yes May 2025
    Lilly ·
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    Inviting only parents and siblings isn’t really an option. My father is suffering with kidney failure and we don’t know how long his body will respond to treatment or what his condition will be by the wedding date. My mother is his caretaker. It would be unfair to only invite my fiancés close family and not have mine there due to these health issues. It is a big reason why we decided on eloping to begin with.
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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    That's hard I m sorry to hear about your dad. Wishing you all the best. In the end the most important thing is you ll be married to your love do what's best for the both of you. 💜
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  • C
    CM ·
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    In that case, I would get married sooner rather than later and host a celebration of marriage shortly after. As a side benefit that solves your etiquette dilemma, but the main advantage is that your dad may be able to participate and enjoy.
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