My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year, but a few months ago I was diagnosed with PCOS which makes it more difficult to conceive. I found out yesterday that my husband's best friend is pregnant. She was previously in a relationship with the father of the baby several years ago. They got back together about nine months ago. My husband knew for four days and didn't tell me. She was in the process of buying a house, but the deal fell through so now she's buying her mom's townhouse and her mom is moving out and is going to rent an apartment. He told me that part, but he left out that it was because she was pregnant. He didn't want me to accidentally let it slip over the weekend when we were hanging out with a group of friends. I am angry because I feel like he lied because he made up some excuse about why she was buying her mom's house, but I'm also upset because I've been struggling with seeing a bunch of other people having babies and wondering why that can't be me. I have heard for the past 4+ years how his best friend doesn't want children yet now she's pregnant. She isn't even necessarily happy about it so I feel like it's so unfair that she can have a baby that she doesn't 100% want, but yet I really want a baby and I can't have one. I've been crying since I found out and I feel horrible for being upset, but I can't help it.
I think he probably didn’t tell you because he didn’t want to sadden you. Knowing all that you’ve been through trying to conceive, and like you said someone who doesn’t want a baby is now pregnant, it seems like that may be the reason he didn’t tell you.
Veronica, I know that this whole process has been so trying for you. I understand your anger and disappointment, though it is misplaced concerning this woman. She has done nothing wrong. Your Husband most likely said nothing because he was afraid of your reaction. He does not seem to be reacting in a mature manner. Trying to conceive under these circumstances is very difficult. You need a breather. Your body picks up on all of the stress. Concentrate on yourself and getting to a good place. You may also want to look into alternative methods to have a family. Don't forget to love yourself.
Your emotions are totally understandable. I think your husband was trying to be sensitive, and obviously the friend didn't do anything wrong. But it is normal and natural to feel jealous, especially when she didn't seem to want kids and now she is pregnant. Struggling to conceive is very emotionally difficult. Be kind and patient to yourself and share these emotions with others, maybe even talk to a doctor or pastor or other trusted source about these feelings. Because it IS unfair that you are struggling to get pregnant. The only thing you can do is figure out how to manage these emotions and keep doing what you need to do to destress and otherwise try to start a family.
It can be hard when you try so much to get pregnant, and people are getting pregnant and having babies around you. I sorry you are struggling. I am also sorry for my bluntness........you do not need to know if someone is pregnant. You husband probably didn’t want you to be sad or hurt about something that honestly has nothing to do with you. Yes, he withheld info that is currently important to you, but what would it have changed anything? Would it make a difference if she was buying a house with or without being pregnant? No. You can talk with him, and let him know that even if things that are sad or bum you out, you still want to know, because yes husbands shouldnt lie. As for being so angry at everyone. I think you are angry for other reasons. I can only imagine how upsetting and taxing it would be to try and conceive with out success. And yes, the world is unfair. A women who doesn’t want one gets one before you? but this doesn’t mean she will not love that little one, and be a good parent. Stay positive, keep trying, and don’t dwell and negativity and other people. Focus on you and being healthy in body and in spirit.
Unfortunately there’s a lot of people that don’t try and get pregnant easily but those that deserve it and try for years and are unsuccessful for a long time. Who knows why that is but that is something that just isn’t in our control no matter how badly we want a child. I can’t imagine how hard that must be for you, I’m sure you will have your baby one day! Good luck ❤️
I completely understand how you feel. I got diagnosed with PCOS when I was 18. That was 22 years ago. Back then I was told it was just a "cosmetic issue" but come to find out in my early 20's that I would likely not ever be able to have kids. It is devastating. Even at 40 it still gets to me because I cannot afford rounds and rounds of IVF and adoption is astronomically priced...my FH have chatted about it and we decided we will start with the fostering route after we are settled after the wedding and go from there. We may not be able to have biological kids, but we can still give love to a kid who needs it.
I was diagnosed when I was 14 with PCOS. When I was 24, I went in to a fertility doctor. She told me straight out, “I can have you pregnant in 6 months” my jaw dropped! She did a laparoscopic surgery and removed about 50 cyst off of each of my ovaries. She called it ovarian drilling but I am sure there is a medical term for it. Literally 6 months after the surgery I was pregnant with my son. He is now 13, and I have a daughter who is 9. I had no problems getting pregnant with her when I was ready. I just went in last year and did an ultrasound on my ovaries and my GYN said she would not even diagnose me as having PCOS if it were just by looking at the ultrasound. I still have other symptoms but my ovaries look great. Don’t give up. Not all women are the same but I hope my story gives you hope. I had always been told I couldn’t have kids but now I have 2. Good luck!!
Thank you! It definitely helps to hear from someone that has PCOS and children. I didn't have my period for 9+ months so it has finally become normal again so hopefully we will be able to conceive soon. It's just hard to hear that someone who didn't want children is having a baby when I want one so badly.
I truly understand where you're coming from; it took us 8 yrs to have our "miracle baby" 25+ yrs ago. At the time I worked in a large corporate HR dept where 98% of the staff were females, mostly between 22-35. It felt like there was a pregnancy announcement every other week and sometimes we held baby showers for a couple of people at a time in order to appropriately "celebrate" everyone. Honestly, it was incredibly depressing for me. I had to publicly act happy and excited for each new mom, while inside I felt like I was dying.... I also agree with pps that it's likely your husband was trying to avoid upsetting you further. Between my issues and the various treatments, I was one big uncontrollable hormonal storm -- sometimes my husband couldn't even guess what might send me into wild sobbing fits or spontaneous rage.... It's okay to feel however you feel, but I think it's also important to realize your husband is likely struggling too, so try to understand his heart was likely in the right place. In terms of your friend, I'd do all you can to acknowledge your anger/resentment toward her is misplaced; it's really about your situation not hers. Finally, I'd encourage you to consider some counseling -- your doctor should be able to refer you and/or your employer might have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) which covers at least a few counseling visits. Infertility is incredibly stressful and often becomes all-consuming. After about 7 years we decided to "stop trying" and attempt to move on as a childless couple -- a few months later I was very surprised to find out we were expecting! No guarantees obviously, but don't give up hope!
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My husband suggested counceling last month. I know his best friend isn't to blame, but it's just hard to see a woman that doesn't even want kids and I believe previously had an abortion end up pregnant. I guess it's hard for me to understand why God gave her a baby, but doesn't give babies to women that desperately want one. My sister-in-law struggled for years to have a baby. She had several miscarriages and she just finally have birth to her first child on 7/7 which is actually her wedding anniversary. One of my other friends has been struggling for about three years now and I know had at least one miscarriage. She and her husband desperately want a baby and I know she gets angry when she sees other pregnant women. When we first started trying I didn't even really want a baby until we were married for at least a year, but after struggling for months my mind switched to a really want a baby.
I totally get it. Some of our best friends at the time had three school aged kids, and then one of their teenage nieces got pregnant. She was a mess, didn't want the baby, and actually asked our friends to take her baby and raise it.... They declined, but did invite her and the baby to come live with them so she'd have some support in the early days of motherhood. At the time all I could think was WHY did a teen mom get pregnant with a baby she kind of wanted to "give away," but we couldn't???? We have a huge loving family that we were lucky enough to spend a lot of time with; one Christmas Eve, we had to duck out early because there were too many babies in the mix and I'd gotten my period that morning. It was just more than I could manage.... A few years later, those same cousins threw me the biggest most awesome baby shower. Try to hang in (and consider talking with someone and/or joining an infertility support group) -- good luck!
Thank you for your support! I am definitely considering speaking with a therapist like my husband suggested. Every time I put it out of my mind it's like someone is suddenly posting on Facebook that they're pregnant. My husband also asked me if he's not enough for me which only made me feel worse because I know he wants a baby just as bad.
Oh, my goodness...we had SO many of those types of conversations! At one point I told my doctor I needed to go off all the drugs, or I likely wouldn't have a marriage to have a baby in due to all the hormone craziness.... It took a long time, but it was such a relief when we finally got to the "acceptance" phase of our journey/grief and started to focus on what a life of just the two of us would look like. We even booked a second-honeymoon to Ireland and started looking forward to that. Then I turned up pregnant and my doctor figured with all we'd been through it would be better if I stuck close to home, so we canceled. 26 years later, the beginning of this year, we finally rebooked that canceled trip (our "miracle baby" is now a married woman and we've retired ), of course, now Covid forced us to postpone again! Hopefully, it won't be another 25 yrs! Again, hang-in!